Tom Cruise likes his wives to be emerging actresses and he likes them kind of young. Mimi Rogers was older than him when they married (31) but Nicole Kidman was 23 and Katie Holmes, 27. So, for the sake of accuracy, we've cherry-picked 5 actresses who are emerging and under 30 in the hopes that they can heal Tom's broken heart. Or his public image. Or something.
Elizabeth Olsen, 23 years old
Pros: At 170cm Olsen has the height that's right for Tom - he likes 'em taller than him, as we know. Olsen has already starred in a movie about being psychologically manipulated by a shady cult, (Martha, Marcy, May, Marlene) so we know she can pull out what I'm going to call 'reverse method'* if she needs to.
Cons: Olsen is an emerging actress but there's every likelihood she'll hit it big next year - she has 3 movies coming out - and that's precisely when things started to fall apart for him and Nicole. Also? She's a little quirky for Tom's taste and therefore likely to be free spirited - and that's a no-no for the sea orgs.
Overall compatibility rating: 6.9/10
Leighton Meester, 26 years old
Pros: Meester found fame on the adolescent soap opera, Gossip Girl and has only starred in a handful of movies since. If that career trajectory sounds familiar, (Dawson's Creek anyone?) wait until you get a load of the long chestnut mane and big brown eyes.
Cons: Meester is 165cm, which isn't short but it's not really tall enough for Tom's taste. Besides, she appears aware of her sexuality in a way that might be jarring to Tom - he prefers them to be a little ...repressed, if not straight-up Catholic, (both Katie and Nicole come from Catholic families).
Overall compatibility rating: 7.2/10
Evan Rachel Wood, 25 years old
Pros: Her alabaster skin and coltish body make her pretty much perfect for him. There's also the fact that she got her big break in the drama, Thirteen, which, while significantly darker in tone than, say, BMX Bandits, did involve roundabouts, (a type of transport, if you will) and teenagers. Also, she has a thing for indie features - a cause close to Nicole's heart. But perhaps most importantly of all, Wood has a taste for older, creepy men - she dated Marilyn Manson when she was 16 and he was in his late 30s before becoming engaged to him for a short time. Wood also appeared to enjoy his almost total remaking of her, which meant she went from 'slightly rebellious teen' to 'Emo goddess' in the time it takes to remove a pair of coloured contact lenses.
Cons: Wood is currently dating actor Jamie Bell. She's also bisexual, which might not go down that well with the Scientologists who view homosexuality as a 'perversion').
Overall compatibility rating: 8/10
Shailene Woodley, 21 years old
Pros: Woodley's long, dark, thick hair almost guarantees another 'wig-wearing-newborn' situation, a la Suri, should she decide to breed with Cruise. And if we learned anything from The Descendents, (which earned George Clooney an Oscar nomination) it's that Woodley has the maturity to work well with an older man. Then there's the slightly questionable fashion sense - a hallmark of Holmes. Woodley has a habit of turning up to red carpet events wearing something you thought you gave to the Smith Family.
Cons: At just 21 Woodley wasn't even born when Cruise was enjoying what might be called his renaissance period - Top Gun, Rainman, Cocktail, The Colour of Money- which means she's never known him as a sex symbol or ever had a pin up of him on her wall and is therefore unable to spout the line "When I was young I thought I'd marry Tom Cruise."
Overall compatibility rating: 6.5/10
Elisabeth Moss, 29 years old
Pros: She's a Scientologist! Better yet, Scientology is rumoured to be the reason behind her split from Fred Armison last year. She also has a girly voice and on that level alone is likely to appear compliant.
Cons: She has a leading role in what will probably be remembered as the most expertly crafted television show of the last 50 years - Mad Men and that level of acclaim is not the sort of thing to make a commanding spouse jump up and down with joy on a couch. Plus, she spoke out about her divorce, and not in a good way so she can't really be trusted if the proverbial ever hit the fan.
Overall compatibility rating: 7.5/10
And the winner is ... Evan Rachel Wood? Hey, let us know if there's someone more suitable.
*'Reverse method' - a shout out to that other famous Scientologist John Travolta, who is alleged to have offered a masseuse a 'reverse massage'. You're welcome.
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