I've been sitting on my hands trying not to write this one. Predominantly because I believe we/me/society should leave pregnancy and pregnant women alone. Give them a break.
When you're pregnant everyone has an opinion. About your body, the sex of your baby and what type of birth you might have. Suddenly you become public property and for nine months you must endure a peanut gallery whose members range from the neighbour's mother-in-law to a stranger at the supermarket.
Been there, done that. Twice.
I know all too well what it's like to be told 'you must be having a girl because it's stolen your beauty'. So Kim, it's important you know that I write this from a place of love.
What's up with the maternity outfits?
I know you must be feeling the pressure to look just as fashionable, beautiful and desirable now you're pregnant. I understand that getting dressed is a big part of your day job but it might be time to embrace all the glorious changes your body is going through and relax the high-fashion look. Just a little bit. The second trimester is not really the ideal time to be posing in a pink, neon maxi underneath the statue of Jesus in Brazil. Or the best moment to trial a dominatrix-inspired organza cape. Or a feather mini-skirt. Pregnancy is the time for elasticised waist bands and no underwire. It is the time to take a fashion sabbatical.
In recent months the most famous Kardashian has undergone a major make-over by boyfriend, Kanye West. The Louis Vuitton Don is very serious about his fashion. He likes designer (preferably French) and he likes expensive, painstakingly re-stocking her closet with Givenchy, Celine, Prada and Dior. Directional, straight-from-the-runway labels have replaced her ripped jeans and bandage dresses. Her new look is lovely, but since she became pregnant I can see her struggling with how to make her sleeker wardrobe work on her changing shape. Everyday she's driving just a little bit further into Crazy Town as the paparazzi chronicle each elaborate outfit. Jumpsuits, cut-out tops and leather pants. On Monday she looked like one of those people who believe the Matrix is 'real' wearing a floor-sweeping, sci-fi-inspired black number. Everything is body-hugging, see-through or both. Kanye, it's up to you to take the pressure off the glamour pedal and make sure the next pair of Prada shoes you buy her are flat ones.
Kim's boobs have reportedly grown four cup sizes during pregnancy. Lord knows what that is in letters? Explaining her maternity style to Du Jour magazine she offered: "I think because I have big boobs it could make me look heavier if I don't, like, show off my waist or something".
It's the big conundrum of dressing when you're expecting - you want to look pregnant, not overweight. I totally understand where she's coming from but someone needs to remind her that her waist has been replaced with a baby and she's not going to see it again for another nine to twelve months.
Despite eating well and exercising most women experience major body changes during pregnancy. I know I did - and didn't mind either. The transformation wasn't a cake walk but I gave in to the experience and retired my fashion wardrobe for a maternity one. In the end, it was just a whole lot more comfortable and practical than squeezing imy bump into a corseted peplum top. Pregnancy clothes are similar to what you wear on long haul flights - they do the job but you want to burn them at the other end.
If maternity clothes taught me anything it was that fashion will always be there, that growing and nurturing a new life makes you feel better than any pair of shoes or handbag ever can and that elastic is a truly happy place.
So come on Kim, slip into something more comfortable. Every woman in the world is giving you permission to go there.
In fact, we'd love you to.
- Sydney Morning Herald