<i>What the Kiwi gossip mags say</i>
Kiwi cricketer Chris Cairns and his family have a heroic tale to tell the gossip mags, but their efforts to escape a burning building are overshadowed by supermodel Eva Herzigova breastfeeding her baby.
Trust those crazy Czech chicks. Eva is snapped by Woman's Weekly in this week's weirdest photo shoot as she gets groped by the two males in her life - stubbly partner Gregorio Marsiaj and cute two-month-old son George.
The pics prove Gregorio and George both like sleeping, cuddling up to their yummy mummy and pulling Eva's breasts out of her low-cut maternity tops.
The apple obviously doesn't fall far from this tree.
If Eva posing for a close-up baby breastfeeding session isn't weird enough, the one of her dressed in a sexy swimsuit rocking a pram and being seduced by Gregorio is just bizarre.
At least she knows how to keep her entire family happy.
Once you've diverted your eyes from Eva's chest, flip back a few pages to WW's story on Chris Cairns. The cricketing legend thought he'd lost his family when a fire broke out in the Belgium house his wife and two sons were staying in.
Chris - stuck in London and communicating by cellphone - was left helpless as his South African wife Carin and two sons Bram and Thomas struggled to find an exit from the smoke-filled luxury home, which was fitted with bulletproof glass and sealed doors.
Were they were staying with James Bond?
"I was talking on my cellphone to Chris in London when I heard this massive explosion," Carin says, as fire began engulfing the house.
"We couldn't get out. I kept hitting the reinforced windows trying to break them, trying to do anything that would get some air in or allow us to get out.
"We were running out of air. We couldn't see anything and the smoke was hot and choking us. There was no escape. It was like the house just shut itself down."
If only Chris had been there with his trusty Grey-Nicholls Excalibur cricket bat, he could have knocked those windows for six. Luckily, Carin managed to call the Dutch fire brigade, who arrived in the nick of time to rescue them. Whew.
Elsewhere, New Idea believes it has uncovered a "sex orgy scandal" involving Prince William's on-again off-again girlfriend Kate Middleton and a Kiwi girl. Calm down - it's nowhere near as entertaining as that headline would make you believe.
Basically, Kate and Wellington-born Natalie Sisson are members of a charity dragon boat racing team, and NI says team leader Emma Sayle once owned an adult party business that organised orgies - which neither were ever part of. Shame.
Other stars who hit the headlines this week:
Finally, the quote of the week comes from TV One Breakfast host Paul Henry, who tells WW departing co-host Kay Gregory was starting to annoy him: "That tapping me on the knee thing was really beginning to get on my nerves. She was basically setting herself up for a bit of a showdown, so it's just as well she left."
He's kidding. We think.
What do you think of this week's gossip? Send us your feedback and we'll publish your comments.