What the Kiwi gossip mags say

BY CHRIS SCHULZ

She's an agony aunt whose advice includes going out with criminals, throwing up to end bad dates and eating house plants to lose weight. Welcome to the weird, wacky and wonderful world of Jaquie Brown.

But if you're expecting New Zealand's answer to Oprah Winfrey, you're expecting too much.

In her new book, Jaquie Brown's Guide to Everything, the actress advises - presumably female - readers not to let boys fondle their "clavicles" on a first date, and says that criminals make perfect boyfriends "because you'll always have a captive audience". Badda boom.

"My diet advice in the book is to eat your house plants and put cheeseburgers in a blender to break up the calories ... smart stuff," the star of TV3 comedy show The Jaquie Brown Diaries tells Woman's Day.

"You can liquidise all your food. I did this for a few weeks but I must have been doing it wrong because after blending cheeseburgers and chocolate milkshakes and sucking them through a straw, I actually put on weight."

According to Woman's Weekly, that's what Oprah's been doing lately. The mag says the talk show queen is weighing in at 136 kilograms - and she's not happy about it.

"There's a real sadness in her eyes," an insider tells WW. "No matter what angle the cameras catch her during her show, she just looks very lumpy and pudgy."

Perhaps a strict diet of houseplants could help?

Meanwhile, New Idea gets serious with interviews with Sophie Elliott's mother, photos of California kidnap victim Jaycee Dugard and a two-page spread on the Aisling Symes tragedy.

But it lightens the load with a photo spread of Victoria Beckham's appearance at a school fair, where the Spice Girl turned up looking like a Gestapo agent in a staggering $25,000 outfit - including leather studded pants and a matching jacket.

Careful - you could poke an eye out with those shoulder pads, Posh. Is that get up really safe around small children?

Elsewhere, Jude Law and Kiwi model Samantha Burke have been remarkably quiet about their love child Sophia - but the same can't be said for their gossipy family who spill juicy details to WD.

Burke's mum Lea tells the mag she would prefer it if her daughter had a husband to help raise the child, while her aunty says Sophia has inherited Law's chin.

"It would be nice if the father was was around, but that's not going to happen because of his job and she knows that, she's realistic about that," says Lea.

And there's this from Christchurch-based Aunty Deborah: "(Sophia) has gorgeous looks. She looks just like her father. She has a dimple in her chin just like Jude."

Let's hope she hasn't inherited her father's hairy chest as well.

Finally, the quote of the week comes from recent New Zealand visitor Fergie and her wedding to actor Josh Duhamel: "At the end we served everyone cheeseburgers, hot dogs, shakes and fries - to soak everything up."

Sounds like a wedding to rival anything seen on Outrageous Fortune. Looks like Fergie knows that west is best.

* What do you think of the stars in this week's gossip mags? Post your comments below.

 

 

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