X Factor: Mr Lava-lava

HEAVEN SENT: Jackie Thomas keeps on wowing them week in, week out.
HEAVEN SENT: Jackie Thomas keeps on wowing them week in, week out.

It's a fair bet Jackie Thomas' dad, Kevin, doesn't look as good in his lava-lava as she did in that green dress last week.

So, Greymouth residents have another reason to applaud her X Factor success even more now that he's packed it away due to her increasing public profile.

As mentioned in a previous review, I played cricket against Jackie's then DJ dad - he was nicknamed Two Song - many years ago.

CAT WOMAN: Anna Wilson
CAT WOMAN: Anna Wilson

He tracked (see what I did there?) me down this week and we had a very convivial chat, remembering the glory days. I just hope he is wearing something else on his bottom half now the lava-lava is gone.

Anyway, here we are: eight acts remaining. Last week we had the rather contradictory situation of Fletcher Mills, good looking, nice chap, couldn't really sing, being arsed along with Maaka Fiso, not quite as dimply, nice chap, could really sing. My head hurts, but that could be the drinking.

Hells, what's going on with Pink (Ruby) Frost's hair? It was already pink but it's now fuzzy wuzzy was a woman (any fans of 80s Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor out there?).

The X Factor judges Daniel Bedingfield, Ruby Frost, Stan Walker and Melanie Blatt.
The X Factor judges Daniel Bedingfield, Ruby Frost, Stan Walker and Melanie Blatt.

Someone must have been let loose with a crimping tool back stage, because teen Cassie Henderson is also sporting a mixture of hair styles.

She dedicates her rendition of Bastille's Pompeii to Christchurch. I'm not quite sure that's appropriate. Are they teaching history at schools anymore?

The judges like it, Melanie Blatt saying she's got more balls than Miley Cyrus, more front than Selena Gomez but, as she also points out, it wasn't perfect. Not that Ratty, Daniel Bedingfield, her mentor notices. That look on his face is creepy.

The SBWs, Moorhouse, nail it. Whatever it was they were good. Very good. Like them Blatt, their mentor, is wearing black. Blatt is Black. She's giving them the cougar eye and blushing. They all look good.

Whenua Patuwai, an exceptionally nice chap with a great voice, stands still yet again and thunders out X Factor UK winner James Arthur's version of Shontelle's Impossible. Hell, there's a mouthful. Frost, Bedingfield and Stan Walker luuurrrrve it, but Blatt is right when she says: "sometimes perfection is boring". Patuwai needs a bit more crazy to go with his heavenly voice.

Who let Cat Woman loose on the show? Anna Wilson is trying to capture some crazy too. Pink Frost likes her leathered-up version of Imagine Dragons' Radioactive, maybe because it's even crazier than her hair. 

To give Pink Frost her credit though she has, on the whole, made better choices for her acts than the others. But I'm sorry, I'm sick of Benny Tipene, can definitely sing, clever, nice teeth, etc... destroying songs with his guitar-led, uber-tortured take on everything. Frank Ocean's Lost did not need that. David Gray worked in the 90s - they started 23 years ago.

Host Dominic Bowden (God, I'd nearly forgotten about him, I've been trying hard too) tells Tipene the show is all about taking risks - no it isn't, look at your own outfits Dom. I was going to leave him alone but then my mother texted with these of his choice words: "Don't forget it's so right now, right now."

We've run out of wine. Thankfully, Gap 5 are doing Robin Thicke's (his dad was the dad on Growing Pains) Blurred Lines. It's the pop equivalent of RTDs and has been No.1 in this country forever. They look great but the sound is a little, er, blurred. 

And here's Mr Lava-lava's girl. Has anyone else noticed that Jackie Thomas regularly gets one of the last singing shots on the show? And tonight's she got a mini-orchestra too. God, there's even a harp. I love harpists. Ratty, judging by the look on his face, has gone to heaven and been touched by something.

He's within his rights though. Thomas' version of Rihanna's Stay is, simply, excellent. She's got the middle-of-the-road staked out and no one is taking it away.

The stylist has run riot with Tom Batchelor again. He doesn't need to dress (this week sans shoes) like someone from the free-love movement week in, week out. Giving Blatt the glad-eye is just a bit gross too. The joke about liking bush (I blush typing that), was just a bit sweaty and pervy. 

And, as Bowden says, that is it. And it is for me. I love this show so much I'm off to its spiritual home, the UK, for a bit. In the end, I just hope music is the winner. And that Stan gives Ratty the pash. I mean the bash. Do I?