Review: No more party mode or surf lingo for the Bachelor NZ, Episode 7
There must be something in the water in Hawaii, that's what The Bachelor NZ viewers were left wondering on Monday night.
Easter weekend's travel extravaganza reminded us all that while we may be taking a vacation from the real world this long weekend, you can run but you can't hide from the Bachelor and his bad puns.
Episode seven of the most uneventful Hawaiian getaway of all time, provided a mash-up of sponsored travel promos, what to expect on the pending series of Survivor NZ and a smorgasbord of unwarranted dating advice from Old Mate Mauger – a title he has most certainly earned after a full sixty minutes of acting about 104 years old.
In case you'd missed the onslaught of promotional reminders, episode seven saw the remaining 14 contestants treated to a surprise trip to Hawaii.
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Not only did the destination date card feel a little premature this early on in the season, it had us all questioning how on earth MediaWorks is going to foot the bill when the final fantasy dates roll around?
It could quite possibly be the bright lights of RotoVegas for Fleur, Rebecca and possibly Shari or whomever else can withstand Mauger's puns for that many weeks in a row.
"Who's going? Are we all going?" asked an incredibly eager Ceri with a C.
"One by one, the names were called out and I'm thinking, 'am I going to be left here?'"
We wish, Ceri, but no, not the case for you.
Much to Ceri with a C's delight, all that home baking and waiting around twiddling her thumbs and bursting into tears finally came into fruition when she received her very first single date.
"It's such a romantic place, a place to explore my feelings for Jordan," she said, staring down the barrel of the camera.
As the heavy rain poured down on the island, Mauger and Ceri enjoyed a romantic Japanese-esque indoor picnic on the floor.
Ceri was rapt Mauger was there.
"I'm the girl that's out there with collection buckets, on the side of the road, doing charity," said Ceri with a C, fitting as much self-promo into the course of one meal as humanly possible.
After a full three weeks of nothing but baking and boot camp and backyard scrapping with Naz, Ceri with a C had a lot to get off her chest.
"I have something to show you, it's not over yet," said Mauger, leading an incredibly tanned Ceri with a C back outdoors to enjoy the picturesque Hawaiian surrounds.
"It was very surprising, impressive, surprising and impressive to see a whale in full breach, playing around in the ocean like that," said a sincerely impressed Mauger, seemingly unaware that's actually their natural habitat.
After a thrilling day date, Mauger flung open the helicopter door at an uncomfortably high altitude and presented Ceri with a rose, proving the sky really is the limit for Mauger's unforgettably bad rose gags.
After Ceri had reached her quota of Mauger in the sky and seen a small but memorable snippet of Waikiki, it was back to Bachelorettes Abroad HQ.
"And then, we saw a whale, and had lunch and went in a helicopter," giggled Ceri with a C while sharing her date with the other contestants, leaving many of her roommates wondering if Ceri enjoyed the day's activity more than she enjoyed Mauger's company.
Naz paddled around ominously in the pool, mentioned something about Ceri being "childish" and then faded away into the darkness for the majority of the episode.
Monday night's Girls on Tour extravaganza saw a whole new side to Mauger, who revealed (on more than one occasion) that "party mode is over" and everybody better be here for the right reasons.
Plot twist: All the women go off with their own lives and #thebachelornz just has to hang out with me listening to cool ideas for podcasts— AliceBrine (@AliceBrine) 28 March 2016
It became quietly apparent that Mauger had snatched the "right reasons" torch from Naz, as he proceeded to harp on about "party mode" and "being serious" for the remainder of the show.
"Aloha, ladies," suddenly it was group date time and Mauger was beachfront in that now archaic stripey singlet that somehow made its way into his suitcase and through customs for the vacay.
"Today, we're going to pick teams," he said, pretty pleased that his quest for love had morphed into a sort of mash-up between Survivor and The Hunger Games.
Channelling his very best Katniss Everdeen, Mauger volunteered himself as tribute and instructed the other, weaker contestants to do the same, picking teams to take part in a canoe race to trump all others.
"I'm chomping at the bit to speak to Jordan," said Lara.
"I don't know if there's a prize, but maybe it's one-on-one time with him?" said an incredibly keen Danielle, the world's most enthusiastic firefighter.
In the end, everyone performed semi-well and Mauger chose to spend his precious time talking to Alicia, the animal woman with the crazy miniature pony.
"A date" appears to be defined as standing or sitting 5 metres away from the other contestants #thebachelornz— Ali Ikram (@AliIkram) 28 March 2016
"I'd be willing to relocate my furry family," said a heavily tattooed Alicia from Paraparaumu.
"Maybe Alicia is a little too quirky, impressive, but quirky," said Mauger, who may be on holiday but is still doing his bit and writing this semester's report cards.
The pair then waddled off down the beach to enjoy the sunset and a refreshing scoop of shaved ice.
Mauger chose a big ol' scoop of regular ice because MediaWorks clearly blew the budget on flying every single bachelorette to Hawaii and had to tighten up the purse strings.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the girls were readying themselves for the destination cocktail party. Mauger got word that apparently contestants were actually enjoying themselves without him and decided to go full-Naz on the remaining girls.
"It's actually time to snap out of party mode and remember, you're here to form a connection with me," he said to the majority of the women on the island.
"Are you serious about me?" he asked a bewildered Storm.
"It's time to get real," he instructed Lara.
"It's time to knuckle down and stop having fun," he advised Fleur, spreading his dad-like wisdom throughout the Hawaiian mansion.
After what felt like an eternity of dad jokes and a lot of party-poopering on Mauger's part, Mike Puru popped up his delightful little head and reminded everyone how great Hawaii was.
"Aloha!" said Puru, brimming with that trademark Puru enthusiasm.
Mauger, being the serious contender he now clearly is, got down to business and told everyone watching at home those who didn't bother to brown nose him all night long were in troubled waters for the elimination.
One by one, much like every other episode, Mauger began to run out of red roses.
"Shaka, brah," said a grateful and confused Shari, much to the dismay of everyone viewing at home.
Dad, sorry, Mauger, looked confused, before returning to his rose-offering obligations.
Before finally, there were two.
"Alicia, will you accept this rose?" he said, offering a rose to the crazy pony lady.
"Danielle, you must leave the island," Puru announced, stating the obvious.
"Danielle, don't let that fire burn out," said Mauger, exceeding the night's bad pun quota.
"Maybe I should have spoken to him tonight? I hope he has friends," laughed Danielle, the firefighter who wasn't all that fazed about getting away from Mauger.
And so, after a random 60 minutes abroad, tonight's teachings were clear: try and have less fun and snap out of party mode.
Here's hoping the 13 remaining bachelorettes ignore that old fuddy-duddy's advice and amp up the drama or the drinking, because we need a little Naz in our lives, if anything to liven things up a little.