Married At First Sight: Life goes on for people trapped inside an apartment
Like a family road trip along the Southern Motorway, Married At First Sight continues on with mild comedic value fuelled by the faint idea that there is indeed a finish point somewhere ahead.
Homage must also be paid this week to another faucet of love-fuelled cringe; The Bachelor New Zealand, which this week replenished the pool of outlandish dating stories for all of New Zealand to feast upon. Welcome.
Unfortunately for you, reader, your trusty Married At First Sight writer Fleur Mealing has been whisked away to the world of roses red and white. You are now left with me, a confused peasant in this world of on-screen love who once endured the most awkward interview ever talking about it.
So, let's get on with it. Here's what happened in episode 19.
We're now six weeks into "the experiment", a voiceover informs us. Six whole weeks, that's multiple months – which feels even longer if you spend all of your spare time with someone you hate, which a few of these people seem to do.
In this episode we witness the final commitment ceremony. As someone who has never watched an earlier commitment ceremony, this was in fact my first and last commitment ceremony.
Commitment ceremonies appear to involve flashbacks to earlier episodes, philosophical questions and long pauses intercepted by well timed reaction shots.
Love is the topic of discussion in Married At First Sight's elongated living room during its final ceremony.
In the living room we ask: What is love? What is emotion? What is reality?
And, like all trips along the Southern Motorway, we think to ourselves: "why are we doing this?"
Andrew and Cheryl couldn't answer that last question. So they crashed and burned during a heated commitment ceremony where they admitted they actually severely disliked each other. Awkward.
Andrew got called out from Simon, who said he'd been instilled with a sense of righteousness and confidence thanks to his new wife.
Henceforth the show was dominated by Simon spilling some juicy boys' night gossip about Andrew. What happened at that boys night? My colleague Fleur reports:
"Andrew got really drunk, he was saying she was really stupid – that she had nothing going for her and all she could talk about was the hair extensions and the Kardashians. Pretty much he was saying all she had going for her were her boobs."
Ouch. So Simon brought that all up. Then bam, Andrew's under the bus. Goodbye Andrew. And goodbye Cheryl.
"All I'm asking for is a decent conversation and I feel like I can't get there with Cheryl," Andrew bellowed as his relationship came to its end.
"It's time for you to leave the experiment," the grey suited host said.
All the other couples stayed together. A few of them professed their love for each other. It was a run-of-the-mill gossip sesh.
My favourite bit of the show was when the subjects showed us what pictures they'd drawn during the "big reveals".
It was cute, like watching an elephant paint or talking to a six-year-old about their favourite television show.
Nadia drew a picture of a horse.
Susan drew a wonky smiley face, saying it showed how much she loved her partner Sean. This was strange as it was a very badly drawn smiley face, with an obviously crooked smile. Was Susan trying to say something?
Simon stopped everyone to give an extended show and tell. He explained what the squiggly line meant, why there was a smiling Teletubby sun and why he drew flowers. Love. Love was always the answer.
That was about it, except for a strange quote from one of the contestants about Sean and Susan.
"Sean is a horse man and he needs a horse woman, Susan is not a horse woman!"