Alice Brine's Survivor blog: They tried and failed to make it feel like the US version

Survivor New Zealand contestants filming in Nicaragua.
SCOTT MCAULAY/SUPPLIED

Survivor New Zealand contestants filming in Nicaragua.

OPINION: For some reason 2017 has been the year broadcasters decided to riddle New Zealand TV screens with bad remakes of old American reality shows.

No one asked for this, but as long as the networks keep insisting on pumping it out, then I will gladly keep writing about how hilariously terrible it all is.

Before watching the first episode of the not-at-all-anticipated, Survivor NZ, I was willing to place a $100 bet with myself that I would actually hate this show more than I hate The Bachelor

Matt Chisholm filming a tribal council for Survivor New Zealand - they've gone hard out to make it look like the US ...
SCOTT MCAULAY/SUPPLIED

Matt Chisholm filming a tribal council for Survivor New Zealand - they've gone hard out to make it look like the US version of the show.

Within about 3 minutes of episode one, I'd won that hundy. Here are 17 thoughts I had while watching the show. 

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1.They've tried, and failed, at making this feel like the American version of the show. They've hired some standard Kiwi man to host. The only reason I can come up with for that is because, when wearing that von-dutch-trucker-cap, he looks pretty much exactly like the original American host. 

They voted off the guy who set up their camp and the woman who built their fire. These people are idiots.
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They voted off the guy who set up their camp and the woman who built their fire. These people are idiots.

2. They've clearly asked him to try and sound dramatic in the voice-overs. However, he just ends up sounding as if he is trying to talk while helping someone move a refrigerator, in the rain.There is something so uncomfortable about listening to a New Zealand accent attempting to sound dramatic. 

3. The season takes place in South America where the scenery is much like it is in New Zealand. To be honest, they could have probably filmed this whole thing on Stewart Island, but the risk of hypothermia would have been too high. 

4. One of the women on the show says she didn't even know where South America was. How does anyone not know where South America is? It literally tells you where it is in the name. It is a self-titled location. It's literally south of America. How did you not figure that one out? 

They have to be blindfolded and avoid hitting a bunch of poles. The poles are perfect male crotch height.
SCOTT MCAULAY/SUPPLIED

They have to be blindfolded and avoid hitting a bunch of poles. The poles are perfect male crotch height.

5. I had a prediction that the unsuspecting New Zealanders, were going to be eaten alive by the competitive American nature of this show. That prediction is made hilariously clear in this first episode.

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It all happens when the oil-rig-girl from Orange team, steals the stuff that everyone in the Blue team had piled up on their matt. Turns out, it's actually allowed and the host says it's not cheating. They all complain saying "but that's cheating. She cheated." But she didn't, she just did something a bit unfair and the Kiwis hate it. I love how upset Kiwis get when something isn't fair. It's like the worst thing you can do to a Kiwi, make something unfair. We hate it. 

6. In the end of this episode, Hannah gets voted off by the idiots on this show. Hannah is a weightlifter and roller derby champion. She built the team a fire out of huge heavy rocks, single handedly. But they vote her off because they think she's going to slow them down because she is not skinny like they are. Why is everyone so stupid?  

Matt Chisolm sounds as if he is trying to talk while helping someone move a refrigerator, in the rain.
BEVAN READ/FAIRFAX NZ

Matt Chisolm sounds as if he is trying to talk while helping someone move a refrigerator, in the rain.

8. The old ex-army guy is such a fizzer. I honestly couldn't have written a funnier character myself.  He bloody loves surviving. But i get the feeling that he actually has no idea what he is doing. At one point he cries because he called Hannah fat and it's so sad. 

9. The male model goes and hunts for food. It is funny watching this happen as we all know that legally, behind the scenes, these people are getting fed by the crew. 

10. The boringness level of this show is outstanding. They all just wander around talking about each other and try to pick who they are going to vote out. That is literally all that is happening. 

Ex-army man Tony Deane is voted off Survivor.
SCOTT MCAULAY/SUPPLIED

Ex-army man Tony Deane is voted off Survivor.

11. I like this Georgia chick. She's really hot and she's won by tricking all the boys into falling in love with her so they don't vote her out. Hi-5 Georgia. 

12. They do some kind of blindfolded challenge in this episode. Again, hearing these Kiwi accents yelling against this American suspense background noise makes my stomach curl. Just sounds like a bunch of robots trying help each other parallel park, while the Indiana Jones soundtrack plays in the background. 

13. They have to be blindfolded and avoid hitting a bunch of poles. The poles are perfect male crotch height. It makes me feel warm inside watching everyone get hit in the balls. 

14. Immediately after the challenge, it's back to everyone talking about who they are going to vote off again. This conversation lasts for two entire ad breaks. It is the most boring thing I have ever seen. 

15. Sala, the soft spoken Pacific Islander who constantly just looks like he is at home, is best friends with the fizzer old ex-army guy. It's the cutest little relationship I have ever seen. 

16. Sala is bringing me life on this show. It is so good to hear the full on official music with Sala's dialogue over top going "oh just make sure you check your shoes before you go in the shelter, fullas." It is amazing. 

17. They vote the fizzer ex-army guy out even though he single handedly set up their entire camp. These people are idiots. 

 - Stuff

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