Brine's Survivor: the comic genius of Survivor NZ
Produced by Leigh Hart and broadcast on TV2 circa 2006, Moon TV was one of the greatest comedies that New Zealand has ever made.
With segments like Speedo Cops, Sniffing Murder, and Sea Doctors, it was a pure and hilarious mockery of New Zealand's half-ass attempts at making serious drama shows.
Watching Survivor NZ took me back to the days of Moon TV. Unfortunately the major difference between Survivor NZ and Moon TV is that Survivor NZ isn't actually a parody at all. Survivor NZ is an actual serious show. Despite that, I spent this week's episodes half-expecting Leigh Hart to stumble out of the bush, carrying a hamster, collecting bugs to use for speed cooking.
Here are the nine most high drama things that happened during this week's episodes of Speedo Survivor NZ.
* Alice Brine's Survivor: sexist Survivor
* Alice Brine's Survivor: 30 things I thought of while pretending to like this show
* Alice Brine's Survivor: They tried and failed to make it feel like the US version
1.The boys sit on the plank.
Spirits are high as day one of 'the official boys club' unfolds. We've got the sad guy who tries to hide his sadness by constantly making jokes that aren't funny. There is also the hot one who will probably win the show. Then there are two other ones who don't speak.
2. The boys get a log.
After that intense plank sitting event, the boys decide to go and get a really big log. They get some rope and tie it to a log. they all pull it on the sand, into their camp."come on boys, pull the log." We do not find out why they did this. We never get to see where the log ends up.
3. Giving Justin Marshall a run for his money with this epic commentary.
Two of the women have to battle it out in a special half-ass challenge. The girls stack some tiles up and the host walks around saying what is happening. His intense commentary includes phrases such as, 'looks like Georgia has stacked one of her tiles up.' He also says 'Shay is now stacking some tiles up.' He's really good at it. So far he has not missed a beat.
4. Saying 'Hard Luck' to someone takes away all their pain.
Georgia doesn't win. The boys are gutted about this as she was the prettiest one out of the two girls. It's ok though, just when you think Georgia is about to get emotional, one of the boys yells out 'hey, hard luck Georgia.' Honestly, thank god he said that as I don't know what Georgia would have done without that intense encouragement to be honest.
4. All that log work went to waste.
The teams all merge into one big tribe and onto a new camp. This is when we realise that the log the boys spent all morning dragging around, has gone completely to waste. Move over Downton Abbey, Survivor NZ is bringing the hard core drama.
5. The great cake count-down of 2017.
In the American version of survivor they have 'reward challenges.' They're seriously intense. People pass out from exhaustion mid-challenge. At the end, they win a reward. It's normally pretty awesome. Something like a helicopter ride to a pizza feast on a floating restaurant with a swim up bar.
On survivor NZ you win a chocolate cake covered in hundreds and thousands.
You don't get a knife and a plate. You just have to stand there on the sand and eat the cake with your hands. Mike, the hot one, wins the reward challenge. He picks two girls to share the cake with. They stand there on the sand and eat the cake with their hands. All of a sudden the host starts counting backwards from ten, and they have to stop eating the cake. It seems like more of a prank from 'What-Now' than a reward of any kind.
6. The cop sulk.
The police officer is one of the first who fails at the reward challenge. He puts his head down and walks off. He then says that 'he thought it was a weird choice that Mike picked the girls to share the cake with.' He is clearly jealous of not having a hand full of the cake, with his hands.
7. Someone put something on the fire without asking.
The first 25 minutes of Monday night's episode is packed full of suspense. Everything is going fine until we notice that someone has put some sort of random old shell on the fire. Barb is pissed off. Barb is really cross about this shell on the fire. The audio is really bad due to the fact that the entire series is being filmed on an iPhone, so it is not clear why she is so pissed off about the shell. But she is pissed off. It's getting serious.
8. Barb has a serious talk with the cop about the shell that got put on the fire.
Barb is absolutely fuming. She pulls the cop aside and explains that the worst has happened, Lee has put a horn on the fire. Turns out it wasn't just a shell, it was a horn. He did this without even asking or considering anyone else. Barb is distraught. I find it quite reasonable that she is so upset, she had plans to use that horn for things like singing with all the voices of the mountain, and panting with all the colours of the wind.
9. You've burned your horn and now you must lie in it.
Lee is voted out of the tribe. It was just totally not ok that he put that horn on the fire without asking. The tribe has spoken Lee, and not through the horn that you burned.