'Astonishing' talent, believe it or not
New Zealand’s Got Talent, apparently. And if tonight’s season finale is anything to go by the talent seems to be doing a good job hiding away.
The last episode opened with brief highlights of last week’s performances, accompanied mainly by Rachel Hunter crying about how talented everyone is, darling.
The only thing less appealing than the close-ups of the judges' faces is the strange beard on Cris Judd’s chin.
But this is serious, folks, and so let’s get on with killing the dreams of the 10 who weren’t good enough to reach the final trio.
Singers Jenny Mitchell, Renee Maurice and dance duo Silhouette are quickly announced as the top three and the other 10… they aren’t even mentioned. Why bother with the losers, eh?
Judge Jason Kerrison joins The BabySitters Circus on stage to play their latest single, ‘Giving Love’.
Kerrison is, inexplicably, wearing a black eye mask and… nope, I have nothing, it’s just ridiculous. Although it’s slightly more entertaining than ‘The Lone Ranger’ was earlier this year.
After the break we’re treated to a world first - a cover of the damn fine Emeli Sande song ‘Next To Me’ by the two singing finalists while Silhouette dance in the middle.
Apparently the talent is "astonishing" and everyone "nailed it".
Before judge Judd gets up on stage to dance to Bruno Mars, we get a brief clip of Britain’s Got Talent’s Susan Boyle wishing everyone the best of luck.
The clip lasts for about 20 seconds and has more cuts in it than Freddie Krueger’s favourite jumper.
Host Tamati Coffey is breathlessly excited after the former Mr Jennifer Lopez’s trip around the stage.
"There is a beauty and power and stillness in dance," Coffey tells everyone. Judd wonders what Coffey is on and exits stage right.
Coffey is back to tell everyone the winner will walk away with $100,000 and a brand new Toyota Rav 4 before we get some highlights of the entire season.
And when I say ‘highlights’ I mean filler of the judges behaving like besties and the worst contestants. I literally couldn’t start laughing.
Then we’re off on a competition between the judges as they drive brand new Toyota Rav 4s around obstacles while some of the contestants pretend to be excited by the whole thing.
Did I tell you they were driving Toyota Rav 4s? Made by Toyota? And Rachel hits it out of the park, putting Judd and Kerrison to shame by taking the win.
And then we’re off on some other Japanese-car related shenanigans and I’m off to get an infusion of caffeine to keep me going. Three double shots should be enough.
Before we get on with the important stuff there’s another opportunity to destroy people in front of a massive audience once again. Mime acts, singers who can’t sing, and an old guy who sings Katy Perry songs.
And with a giant wink at the camera from Coffey, multiple acts are back on the stage, joined by the host himself and Cris as they dance to ‘What A Feeling’.
"The fun and games are over", says the former weatherman. Oh, please let it be true.
There’s time for one last song from Jason, this time accompanied by keyboardist Eddie Rayner and ENZSO as they cover Split Enz’s ‘Poor Boy’ - I guess Hunter's talent for licking Trumpets didn’t warrant her getting time on the stage as her fellow judges did.
After a quick run down on those who finished in 13th to 4th place (you missed nothing, believe me) it’s time to announce the top three.
Unfortunately for 14-year-old Jenny Mitchell she hasn’t won the competition and takes home third place.
And the winner is . . . Renee Maurice.
The 22-year-old from Wellington performed the Whitney Houston song ‘I Have Nothing’ in her audition and hopes to follow her idol, Julie Andrews, to Broadway.
Whether winning New Zealand’s Got Talent will help her achieve that I’m not sure. But after a final blast from her impressive pipes we’re finished and she can get on with the rest of her life.
I wish her the best of luck.