A week on the box: March 9-15

Reviewer James Croot checks out the best shows and films on New Zealand television screens for the week of Tuesday, March 2 to Monday, March 8.

Tuesday, March 9

Cricket: NZ v Australia, 1.30pm, Sky Sport 1

The Chappell Hadlee series shifts to Seddon Park, Hamilton for the third match of this Trans-Tasman arm wrestle. With the rise of Twenty/20 this could be the last time the teams play a five-match series of the 50 over game. Match 4 is at Auckland's Eden Park on Thursday with the final game at Wellington's Westpac Stadium on Saturday.

House 8.30pm, TV3

House (Hugh Laurie) resumes his post after getting his licence back and sets out to form a dream team of diagnosticians. That includes trying to get Thirteen and Taub back into the fold. However, he also has a patient to treat in the form of an adult film star admitted to Princeton Plainsboro for pulsating eye pain.

Welcome to the Sticks 8.30pm, Rialto ***

Post office administrator Philippe Abrams (Kad Merad) feels he is due a promotion but when he is caught out pretending to have a disability to take advantage of his employers' affirmative action programme he is sent to manage on office in the country's summerless north. A record-breaker in its native France and already destined for an Hollywood remake, Sticks is a charming little 2008 comedy that unfortunately just loses quite a lot in translation.

True Stories: Playboy Priests 9.35pm, Prime

2009 Irish documentary which exampines the case of two Irish priests charged with stealing from their parish in Delray Beach, Florida. The tale involves millions of dollars, girlfriends, Las Vegas high-rolling, heavy drinking and a company called Shag. The documentary combines major interviews with news, courtroom footage and police recordings.

Wednesday, March 10

Masterchef New Zealand 7.30pm, TV One

On tonight's episode the remaining nine contestants face a mystery box challenge, requiring them to make their own pastry and cook two pies - one savoury and one sweet - in just two-and-a-half hours. Expect some interesting and bizarre flavour combinations. This week's guest judge is Judith Tabron of Soul Bar and Bistro.

Team America: World Police 8.30pm, C4 ***1/2

Hilarious and subversive 2004 puppetry action-comedy that pokes fun at both Thunderbirds and the Michael Bay brand of action-blockbuster. From the creators of South Park, it also includes memorable songs like Montage, I'm So Ronery and the Bay baiting The End of an Act.

Secret Diary of a Call Girl 9.30pm, Prime  (Pick of the Week)

In this third series opener we find Belle (Billie Piper) is struggling with not only being "Belle de Jour" to her clients and Hannah to her family, but also with being a successful, published author. She needs her clients to provide her with "good" material for her new book. Followed by a new series of Weeds (10pm).

Reel Life: The Real Full Monty 9.30pm, TV One

2009 UK Sky TV documentary about six unemployed men trying to carve out a new career in stripping. It follows their progress as they attempt to get fit, learn their routine, prepare for their big performance, and work on their selling skills in order to get a full house. For those who prefer the female form, The Box is showing a special encore screening of the 2009 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at 7.30pm.

Thursday, March 11

Border Security USA 7.30pm, Prime

In tonight's episode of this reality series, two Iraqi nationals attempt to enter the US from Canada with suspicious agendas, share eerily similar histories, yet claim not to know each other. Meanwhile, a drug dog in El Paso sniffs out a family SUV packed with more than just vacation luggage and a student with too much time on his hands uses his academic wits to try and outsmart the Transportation Security Administration at Pittsburgh Airport. 

River Monsters 9.30pm, Discovery

A sneak peek at the brand new Animal Planet series hosted by biologist and extreme angler Jeremy Wade. He's on a worldwide pursuit to solve freshwater mysteries, debunk tall tales of killer fish and to track down harrowing creatures, some of which could truly swallow a human whole.

Nowhere to Run 9.30pm, Prime ***

A 1993 action-romance starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Roseanna Arquette, this has JCVD playing an escaped convict who single handedly takes on ruthless developers who are determined to evict Arquette's widow and her two young children. Fans of the muscles from Brussles will lap this up.

Project Runway 9.30pm, TV3

On this week's episode the designers are challenged to create a movie character and design a look inspired by various film genres including action/adventure, film noir, period piece, sci-fi and western. Oscar nominated costume designer Arianne Phillips is amongst the judging panel.

Friday, March 12

Super 14 Rugby: Chiefs v Crusaders 7.30pm, Sky Sport 1

Will the Crusaders don their cursed grey strip again for their first game on the road since their mauling by the Reds? That's just one of the questions in this intriguing clash between two of last season's semi-finalists. Replayed on Prime at 9.35pm. Meanwhile, the Hurricanes travel to Cape Town to take on the Stormers at 6am on Sunday.

Little Miss Sunshine 8.30pm, TV3 ****

Charming 2006 black-comedy about a family who are so determined to get their young daughter into the finals of a beauty pageant that they take a cross-country trip in their VW Combi-Van. The fantastic cast includes  Toni Collette, Steve Carell, Greg Kinnear, Alan Arkin and Abigail Breslin.

Lorenzo's Oil  8.30pm, Vibe ***1/2

Susan Sarandon, Peter Ustinov and Nick Nolte star in this 1992 tear-jerker about a five-year-old who is dying of an incurable, mysterious brain disease so rare no one is even working on a cure. The unlikely director of this very human drama is Australian helmer George 'Mad Max' Miller.

Krod Mandoon and the Sword of Fire 9.05pm, Prime

Sean Maguire and Matt Lucas star in this six-part Anglo-American action-comedy that is billed as equal parts workplace comedy and sword-and-sorcery fun. Filmed in Hungary, the show was inspired by The Simpsons, Get Smart and Monty Python and the Holy Grail. "The series has the sword-and-sorcery look and trappings down, as well as a feel for the stilted dialogue and conventions associated with the genre," wrote Variety.

Saturday, March 13

The Living Daylights 8.30pm, TV One ****

1987 Bond film that marked the debut of the much-maligned Timothy Dalton in the role. Certainly the most entertaining of the 1980s Bonds, this has 007 travelling to Vienna, Morocco and Afghanistan to try and stop an arms dealer. Highlights include Bond girl Maryam d'Abo and Aha's toe-tapping theme song.

Married Life 8.30pm, Rialto ****

Based on John Bingham's 1953 novel Five Roundabouts to Heaven, this is a terrifically taut and understated 2007 thriller that builds nicely to an almost unbearable tension-filled finale. Director Sachs crafts a fantastically-realised, colourful film noir, complete with a laconic, ironic voice-over by Pierce Brosnan, plenty of jazz on Dickon Hinchcliffe's (Keeping Mum) atmospheric soundtrack and a hatful of awkward moments and unexpected twists.

Red Dragon 10.40pm, TV3 ***1/2

Despite being only the second-best adaptation of Thomas Harris's 1981 novel (1986's Manhunter is superior), this 2002 thriller was a welcome relief for Hannibal Lecter fans after the excesses of Hannibal a year earlier. Anthony Hopkins is joined by Edward Norton, Ralph Fiennes and Emily Watson.

Eataholics 10.30pm, Prime

Twenty-five year old film studies lecturer Pete Turner from Maidenhead seems to have it all. He's young, he's fit and he's got a lovely girlfriend. But Pete's got a big problem with food; he lives on a diet consisting almost entirely of meat. Nutritionist Natalie Savona and psychologist Dr Stephen Briers attempt to sort him out as part of this BBC series.

Sunday, March 14

Rugby League: Warriors v Gold Coast Titans 4pm, Sky Sport 1

The Warriors kicks off their 2010 NRL Season with an away match against one of their bogey sides from last season, the Gold Coast Titans, who heavily defeated them both home and away (28-12 and 30-10). All eyes will be on the Auckland-based sides new captain, 23-year-old Simon Mannering.

 Starter For Ten 8.30pm, TV One  ***1/2

James McAvoy stars as a lovestruck Bristol University student in this dog-eared but delightful 1980s-set 2006 romantic-comedy. In order to get closer to the object of his affection (Alice Eve), McAvoy's Brian tries out for the University Challenge team. Features a fabulous 80s-infused soundtrack that includes The Cure, New Order and Motorhead.

 The Running Man 8.30pm, C4 ****

Classic Arnie slice of sci-fi from 1987 that actually looks quite prescient today. The Austrian oak plays Ben Richards, a wrongly convicted man who must survive a television game show that doubles as a way of public execution in 2019 America. Based on a novel by Stephen King, written under the pen-name Richard Bachman, this is hugely entertaining fun.

 Mad Hot Ballroom 9.30pm, Documentary ****1/2

Following in the footsteps and formula of Spellbound, this heart-warming 2005 feature documentary looks at the lives of a group of 10 and 11 year old boys and girls competing in the New Your Public School's dance competition. Preceded by the gay rugby documentary Walk Like a Man (8.30pm).

Monday, March 15

 Who Do You Think You Are? 7.30pm, Prime

In this first US episode, we follow Susan Sarandon on her journey to trace back her family's history through her mother, Leonora, who grew up in a children's home. Sarandon has heard rumours that her grandmother was a showgirl in New York and is determined to find out if they are true or not.

 James May's Toy Stories 7.30pm, TV3

For the series finale, James May and his army of helpers attempt to build the world's first full-size house made entirely out of Lego. If it proved a success he promised to spend a night in it. "It'll be a bit like camping, if I've got something to read, it'll be fine!"

 The Spirit 8.30pm, Sky Movies ***

Graphic novel king Frank Miller tries his hand at film directing with mixed success in this 2008 action movie based on Will Eisner's comic book series. Samuel L Jackson, Scarlett Johansson and Eva Mendes star in this tale about a rookie cop who returns from beyond to rid Central City of crime.

 CSI 8.30pm, TV3

Nick and Catherine arrive at an alley where a young man was beaten up. Langston and Greg were five blocks away at what seemed to be an arson case. However, Wendy finds DNA from the suspects at both crime scenes. As the CSIs piece together the evidence, they realize that both cases are connected by a twisted revenge plot.

 

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