Gorily good, but not my Spartacus

BY LINDA BURGESS

OPINION: I had four telling religious moments in my youth.

There was the dumpy grey-haired Sunday school teacher who told us that she believed everyone in Heaven was middle aged (thus putting me off the afterlife forever. Well, till quite recently).

There was going to The Ten Commandments with the whole of Patea Primary ("Go Moses! Go Moses!" we chanted, hundreds of little feet drumming in unison as the waters parted.)

There was the school holiday programme run by the Salvation Army in which there was a felt board and Jesus with a door in his heart, which to my over-active imagination implied that all hearts had a door in them which was slowly closing and when it closed you were DEAD.

Then there was Spartacus.

This movie, starring Kirk Douglas, was an essential part of my religious upbringing. In fact, such was its effect on me that if I hear the distant sound of a builder hammering, to this day my palms start to hurt.

So I was always going to be hard to please when they brought out the new improved edition. What I did not expect, however, was to discover almost immediately that Spartacus: Blood and Sand has nothing to do with religion: in my innocence I'd been led astray by (spoiler alert) all those people dying on the cross.

Somehow, Rome and slaves had got mixed up with the Christian message. If watching episode one of this new series has done no more than right my historical wrongs, then I can be grateful to it.

On one level, something filmed in New Zealand and set in Rome and its empire was always going to be high camp with "epic" written all over it. If that's what you're expecting, this brand new Spartacus (The Box, 9.30, Sunday) is not going to let you down.

When someone bleeds - admittedly after having their throat cut or even, in one overly dramatic moment, their whole head sliced off - blood spatters towards you so realistically that you can find yourself worried that you won't be able to get the marks off the sofa.

When the characters walk through snow you feel involved, as if they're in one of those round globes so loved by children, and you yourself have shaken it. You can marvel how we learn that autumn has become winter by floating leaves artfully turning to snow before our very eyes. This is serious effects territory.

Then there's the fun of hearing Romans and gladiators speaking with a New Zealand accent ("You're a luddle layte"). Craig Parker - I know he's moved on in his career but for me he's forever in a medical setting - manages to sound convincingly mid-Atlantic, as a Roman doubtlessly would have.

He's quite good actually. He gets to say lots of meaningful things: "Barbarian hordes mass to the north - barely half a day's march." He also gets to participate in some softly lit porn-lite involving delectably golden entwined limbs.

Most women in this new series come wrapped in nothing more than a fox fur stole and a bit of tastefully sparkly bling on the ear- lobes. And this was before global warming! I guess you may as well enjoy yourself while you can, because, as is predictably pointed out, the future is bleak: "They've raped our women and murdered our children."

"He speaks out of turn - yet truth falls from his mouth" is apparently the sort of thing said back then. Also, if this series is historically accurate, there was a lot of foul-mouthing going on, with the "f" and "c" word both used as if they were in everyone's most used 100 words.

If you're a woman, much of your dialogue is spoken artfully over your shoulder. In these times, long before women flung themselves in front of princes' horses or chained themselves to railings you were either a coquette or ... a what? I don't think we met any woman who wasn't on the flirty side.

There were slaves and Romans and fighting between those in armour and those looking like Robin Hood's merry men. There much talk of people called something like "Jedi" which made me wonder what genre I was actually in.

I was bored rigid and couldn't even find much about it to laugh about. It's sure not going to stay with me in the way the original does, springing to mind every time someone in my neighbourhood puts up a new shelf.

I've discovered that the original - made 50 years ago, can you believe it? - was directed by Stanley Kubrick.

Along with Kirk Douglas it starred Charles Laughton and Laurence Olivier. No wonder there's no competition. But if this latest take on the life of Spartacus is your sort of thing, don't give up on it.

According to the internet, it gets much much better after episode three.

* What did you think of Spartacus? Post your comments below.

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