TV review: Pondering the nudes left me blue

Great tits are laying their eggs earlier in Spring - "they say".

The set was blue, the topless news reader's eye shadow was blue and the text was ever so slightly blue as Lisa Lewis made a tit of herself on Alt TV's News Flash or News "Flesh" at 10 o'clock of a Monday night.

Looking like a skinny Joe Cotton, Lisa Lewis struggled through a news bulletin, which included a laboured ornithological joke about Great Tits benefiting from global warming and laying their eggs earlier in Spring.

The Royal Forest and Bird Protection Society must have been mortified to have been given a special mention, but I guess they had got well used to it when Benny Hill was at his peak.

Of course those who had tuned in wouldn't have appreciated the artistry of the script and would have instead concentrated their orbs on Lisa's, which I must say looked as fake as the news reader's hair colour.

Wasn't she a blonde when she infamously streaked across the pitch?

If those bosoms are real then her offspring must have missed out on being breast-fed as they showed no signs of lactational wear and tear.

Ah, but she's got great posture. I'll give her that as she sat up ramrod straight and began the bulletin flashing one bosom at a time, in what Lewis must have imagined was a coquettish manner as she self-consciously played around, shuffling her bits of paper.

The drawback of topless news reading is that one obviously has to keep as straight a spine as possible to prevent any sign of droopage.

But that did not stop this viewer from discerning that the right breast was slightly bigger than the left. Her right, that is, if you care to look.

While most news readers' arms will drift to the centre during a bulletin, our Lisa's were rigidly placed at the side to give full view of the bosoms that made Angela D'Audney's look positively ordinary.

Her hands were placed unnaturally at the edge of the screen, the fingers hovering over blank white pieces of paper as if she was drying her nails, which were appropriately painted in the French nude style.

It was of no consequence that Lisa hasn't got a voice for news reading. She swallows her words and doesn't know where to put the inflections, making dictatorship sound like a word which needed to be sent off to the censor's office to be given an urgent rating.

Lewis ended paragraphs with "they say", as if she didn't believe a word of what she had just read. She also - and this was the best bit - wound up the bulletin by throwing to the cameraman and giving herself the compliment of: "That went pretty good, eh?"

Whoever did her hair must have been trying to effect a seaweed theme as it hung round her shoulders like washed-up kelp.

In keeping with the blue theme, I half expected make-up and wardrobe to have colour-coded the nipples in matching baby blue, or for them to suddenly burst into speech.

After all, topless news reading is pretty old hat in Europe and one would have expected an "out there" channel such as Alt to have delivered something novel and controversial rather than this soft old porny.

About a week ago Lewis appeared on Campbell Live fully dressed to answer John Campbell – looking positively loose without a tie - as he asked with the Lisa, Lisa, Lisa head shaking of a despairing parent: "Why, are you doing this?"

Lewis' answer was that it was a damn good way of fast tracking journalism school to quickly get to the top - or topless as it is in this case - so that she could get a job just like Campbell's, as if she'd never heard of student debt and taking crap at the bottom - if we must talk tops and bottoms - for years.

It's as easy as that, Lewis dared to suggest, as her hands shook at being in the presence of - from what she seemed to be intimating - her mentor.

Being half nude and half arsed, Lewis had succeeded in getting on Campbell Live, so I guess one would have to agree with the shameless exhibitionist, that indeed, anything is possible.

Ponder that, she seemed to have said.

What I was left pondering was why we only got the back view of the weather guy on Lisa's news bulletin, who was both nude nutted on top and birthday suited down below but, alas, we only got the chaste back view.

Front bums are obviously a bridge too far for Alt.

With Lewis constantly announcing that the bulletin was sponsored by a condom company you'd think the weather guy would have had the decency to wear the sponsor's product.

It was the least he could do.

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