Apparently it's currently de rigueur for couples to conduct one-year warrant of fitness relationship checkups. Kate and Wills - or Willkat, to use their Brangelina monarchist moniker - don't have to, because the royal biographers and documentary makers do it for them in the latest royal watching instalment, William & Kate: One Year On (Vibe, Thursday).
Hard on the heels, or breasts, of Jugs-gate, the scandal of the royal bosoms being flashed across French magazines, this hagiography has arrived in the nick of time to remind us what a lovely, virtuous young couple the future king and queen are.
The narrator of the documentary endlessly praised the Duchess of Cambridge's adaptability and willingness to engage with crowds, in particular noticing how in her early royal walkabouts she instinctively knew how to split up with Wills to press the flesh and work the al fresco room.
In their first public appearance as marrieds we heard there was no need for Wills to worry that history might repeat itself, with all the attention focusing on his beautiful spouse.
Will's hairline might be in a state of retreat but he was nowhere near as old or as balding as his dear old dad was when he got spliced. And Kate, according to one biographer, doesn't have the dazzle factor of her deceased mother-in-law. She might be keen on couture but is a mere pony in the clothes-horse stakes.
The same biographer said that Kate was somewhat lacking in the tragedy department, unlike Diana, whose common touch led her to reveal all sorts of personal details to all and sundry. Because the young couple had known each other since university days, unlike the strangers that were Charles and Diana, they are presenting as a well-oiled unit. Kate, whose parents were an air hostess and a flight dispatcher, had to "punch above her social weight" long ago, and has come to grips with The Firm and their snooty aristocratic intimates.
One of the biographers even went so far as to ascertain that if Wills indulged in some extramarital grazing in another paddock (as Windsor males often did, we were told) then Kate would most probably turn a blind eye, because this was a relationship she really wanted and a small amount of adultery would be tolerated.
The duchess had a close and loyal family, which Wills appreciated and felt safe in, with Kate having learnt how to ''edit and create a circle of friends''. It had been a long audition with only one serious split, but Kate had won out in the end above a bevy of beauties and could take strength from that victory, opined biographer Andrew Morton.
Casting back to the final years of Princess Di and her very close, some would say claustrophobic, relationship with her sons, many Di fans would have thought William might have grown up to reject his father and choose a woman out of the mould of Mummy.
Not so, as Kate is a brunette and in her royal blue dresses and eagerness to play the part, it would appear that Wills has learnt what not to marry and found a true helpmate and cobber to assist with the role play.
Sure, if Wills was not of royal blood no-one would bother tuning in to watch any of the Mills & Boonery about HRH or his boring wife whose greatest asset is her killer grin. The only problem that this dull but well adjusted couple might encounter could be the continuance of the line.
No doubt Kate has undergone a fertility check, but the size of her non-existent hips and the hardness of her core abdominals might indicate future problems in producing an heir and a spare. Perhaps her sister Pippa, who seems to have inherited the lion's share of the Middleton seat, could step in to act as a surrogate.
- © Fairfax NZ News