True romance or toxic myth?

So you believe in love at first sight?

Well forget it, says a psychiatrist and relationship expert who insists the myth of love at first sight is not only untrue but is to blame for many unhappy relationships and failed marriage.

Gordon Livingston says it's "mindless" to think you've found "the one" after making eye contact with that random guy on the train, or the girl who made your coffee.

"It's impossible to make those kind of judgments until you really know someone," Livingston said from his home in Maryland, US.

"There's certainly such thing as attraction at first sight, and in retrospect you (may) have been right that this was the person, but often those initial chemical surges betray us."

He said society and advertising portray a certain look as being "beautiful", but this can mislead us and confuse our ability to make decisions about potential partners.

"We're automatically drawn to (those deemed beautiful) on an almost instinctual basis but they may not have those inner qualities that make for satisfying marriage," he said.

"This is why it's so important to know somebody."

In his new book, How to Love, Livingston explains the key to a long-lasting loving relationship is finding a person who possesses most of what he calls the 10 "essential virtues" - kindness, optimism, courage, loyalty, tolerance, flexibility, beauty, humour, honesty and intelligence.

He says a fulfilling relationship is achieved by picking the right partner in the first place, rather than learning to deal with differences.

That's where a lot of traditional marriage therapy gets it wrong, he says.

"There's a lot of talk about negotiating differences and all that sort of stuff that often I feel ... is missing the point," Livingston says.

"I think that it's sort of a ditch-digging school of marital therapy, that is, that it's hard, nobody's perfect, you have to work.

"It seems to me that we've been sold on that idea but maybe the problem is that we picked the wrong person in the first place.

"People are capable of change but our basic personalities remain relatively stable over time so that the people we are at 20 are very similar in some fundamental aspects to the people we are at 50.

"We tend to make our decisions, sometimes very hasty decisions, based on superficial characteristics that don't wear well.

"That causes us to make some pretty catastrophic errors early in life."

If teenagers were taught about love and finding the right partner in school, the road to romance wouldn't be as rocky, or end in divorce as often, Livingstone says.

This is because falling in love goes much deeper than falling in lust.

"(Falling in love) is more than a chemical reaction to another person which is the way a lot of people treat it, as if their minds and if their judgment didn't have anything to do with that selection.

"The purpose of the book is to point this out and to bring a little more rationality to the process."

* How to Love, by Gordon Livingston, published by Headline, is available now.

- AAP