Kiwi mums feel they're not measuring up

BY SARAH HARVEY AND LEIGH VAN DER STOEP

Forget the idea of the yummy mummy: 21st-century mothers are feeling overwhelmed, under-supported, unsexy and terrified of making the wrong choices, according to preliminary findings from a study into the psyche of Kiwi mums.

And not only that – the study suggests that rates of post-natal depression among mothers is much higher than the one-in-five figure currently accepted.

It's even tough being a mum  when you're gorgeous celebrity mum Kate Hawkesby, mum of three-year-old Marley, eight-year-old Josh and 10-year-old Jackson.

"I don't think 'terrified of making bad decisions' is the right choice of words but I think you would go a long way to find a mum that doesn't worry about making the wrong choices for her children. It does weigh heavily on you."

Hawkesby says becoming a mum means having to get into a different "space" – "where what's important for them is paramount ... and yourself is second.

"My pains and my pleasures sort of amount to theirs. I'm positive and happy and healthy if my kids are happy and healthy. It's a much greater boost than putting on a bit of lipstick."

The online study, created by two Australian women, attracted a massive response from mothers in New Zealand and Australia.

Between last May and December 4708 women (half from each country) answered 131 questions, including ones asking if they were doing a good job as a mum and as a partner, and whether they had the right support.

The women behind the study, Jodie Hedley-Ward and Angela Huntsman, are mothers – of a daughter and son, and a son respectively. They had no financial backing for the study and advertised through word of mouth.

"It's that idea that regardless of whether we are choosing cloth nappies or disposable nappies, we are still feeling like we are not measuring up – and that's sad," Hedley-Ward told the Sunday Star-Times.

The findings seem to support a growing international sentiment that women are putting too much pressure on themselves to be perfect mums and partners. French philosopher Elisabeth Badinter caused controversy recently with a new book advocating women return to the old French motherhood model which involved whatever necessary – bottles instead of breastfeeding, disposable nappies, baby minders and smoking and drinking if mums so desired – to prevent children taking over their lives.

Hedley-Ward said her survey was in response to feedback she received after publishing her book in 2008 called: You Sexy Mother – a Life-Changing Approach to Motherhood. She has just released a follow-up, You Sexy Mother: A Journal, which provides a guide on how to achieve a balance and how to improve self-perception and self-respect.

Hedley-Ward, who grew up in Dunedin and now lives on the Sunshine Coast, and who had a career in marketing before having children, teamed with Huntsman, a clinical psychologist, after they met at a social gathering.

Preliminary findings from the study showed women were stressing themselves out by trying too hard and running themselves ragged, she said.

"We are feeling overwhelmed, under-supported and terrified of making the wrong choice. No matter what choices we are making we are still facing conflict and feeling guilt."

Of the mothers who responded to the survey only 12% said they felt satisfied with their appearance. The overwhelming majority were very dissatisfied, Hedley-Ward said.

Over two-thirds of the women said the way they felt about their bodies affected their desire to be intimate with their partners (though many of those conceded that their husbands still found them attractive despite their harsh self-assessment).

Only 13% of respondents said they spent regular quality time with their husbands or partners.

Other bad news: 12% reported feeling satisfied with their health and fitness, and just 5% reported that they looked their best ever when they answered the survey. Hedley-Ward took that to mean most women feel the best point of their life is in the past.

"Perhaps we have gone too far to the extreme of being the eco-mum, trying to do everything so perfectly: organic food for our babies, prepare everything from scratch, breastfeed for as long as we can.

"We are seeing a lot of guilt with mums who are feeling they are not good enough."

There were also indications in the study that the post-natal depression rates are much higher than they may appear. Exact numbers are yet to be collated but many more women than the one in five often cited diagnosed themselves as having post-natal depression.

The pair are writing a book based on the findings, and in May the study will be launched in the UK and US.

SUPPORT NETWORKS EASE THE STRESS

Wellington mum Camilla Peet considers herself lucky.

While she has adjusted well to being a mum and is coping with the juggling act of looking after her two-year-old with working three days a week as a speech and language therapist, she admits that her husband's help has been crucial.

"My husband has been really supportive and is a very hands-on dad, which really helps. I'm also really lucky that my boss was really supportive and allowed family flexible time into my working day. But having to put my daughter into daycare at a young age – she went in at 10 months – was really, really hard," Peet admits.

As secretary of the Wellington North Parent Centre, the 30-year-old knows many mums do struggle emotionally with all the demands placed on them and that many feel stressed and isolated by the experience.

"It's not easy being a mum," Peet says. "I was really lucky because Olivia was always incredibly settled, but I know for a lot of people motherhood comes as quite a shock. There were some nights when she would wake and I would be exhausted the next day and think `thank God this doesn't go on night after night' because you could see the path you could go down and it would be really, really tough."

Peet says having support from other friends, family and others mums is very important. "That's why the coffee groups we run have been fantastic. They provide that chance to go and hear everyone's child is doing the same thing and that other women are feeling the same way – that it's all normal."

HOW TO BE A SEXY MUM

Author Jodie Hedley-Ward's top tipsPrioritise date night – relationships can suffer so it's important to have regular quality time to spend with your partner.

Prioritise your own nutrition and exercise regime – do not always eat the children's leftovers.

Reconnect with your passion, what you enjoyed before children. It is important to have another focus apart from the children.

Spend time around other happy and positive mums.

Drown out the noise: you don't always have to listen to what everyone else is telling you to do.

Listen to the voice within: journal-writing helps you to reconnect with your own emotions and thoughts.

Give up the guilt – it's a wasted emotion for mums.

Remember that hearing the word "mummy" is a gift, not a given – many women have trouble even conceiving, so it's important to remember that being a mother is something to be thankful for.

- © Fairfax NZ News