Growing up fast: Mother and daughter's views

NZPA

Like most Kiwi mums, Linda Kitching has had her share of problems bringing up her daughter.

Her advice when confronted with children trying to grow up too fast was: keep your cool, and do not lose your temper or you'll lose your kid.

"Kids will not tell you things and often clam up if you lose your temper over problems with them," Ms Kitching said.

Charlotte's early years were fine, she said, but her attitudes changed when she reached 10 or 11.

"She suddenly started paying quick attention to grown-up things like most kids these days."

Charlotte, now 17, wanted to stay overnight at a friend's and wanting to go out with friends very often.

"Most of the time we, as parents, do not know what the kids are up to away from home," Ms Kitching said.

"The problem gets worse when your kids sneak out because you refused them permission to go out with friends."

That was the sort of behaviour perhaps expected from a 14- or 15-year-old – not when they were 12 or 13.

Every parent faced growing pains with their young children, and Ms Kitching was no different.

She had to make quick decisions when Charlotte insisted on wearing makeup before even a teenager.

"All the young girls love to dress up but what can be quite disturbing was the sexual connotations in fashion wear and the kids' sexual behaviour.

"The younger the child, the more disgusting it feels."

Ms Kitching said Charlotte grew up too fast like most contemporary young children.

She had a couple of rough years with her daughter, mostly due to a boy in her peer group, and the strong influence that group exerted on Charlotte.

"Their influence is much more powerful than it should be.

"They influence each other's thinking, and your children will decide important decisions in life from advice given by the peer group rather than their parents."

Parents got forgotten in the process, Ms Kitching said.

She handled problems by keeping communication open.

"I go straight to her and speak to her about it, if there's something going on. Most problems are confronted very quickly."

THE DAUGHTER'S VIEW

When she was 14, Charlotte Kitching loved a good party involving alcohol and older teens.

"Mum, I'm staying the night at Chloe's house," was really secret code, the Upper Hutt 17-year-old said.

It meant "Chloe's big brother is buying us some alcohol, we are going to party with people mostly older than we are".

It was the start of really growing up, of finding out who you were, where you fitted, and where you wanted to head with your life, she said.

Parties were the first big jump up from sneaking on lip gloss and mascara at 13.

Growing up fast brought her into conflict with her parents, as they tried to keep tabs on her.

"Lying to your parents peaks at about 15, your relationship with your mum and dad breaks down, you are always having to tell more lies to cover up for ones you have already told," she said.

"The best way for parents to control their child is to give them some leeway, but not enough to run wild.

"If there's a party, allow them to go but don't give them money, any alcohol and give them a time you will pick them up."

That tactic leaves the parents in control, but prevents the teen having to lie or sneak out, she said.

"It is better to know your child is at a particular party than not knowing where they are at all ."

Ms Kitching can now see why her parents, especially her father, caused her so much difficulty when she was younger.

"I always thought he was too strict and just evil, but really he was just worried sick about me," she said.

"My relationship with mum and dad is now very good ... in the end they are the ones who will still be standing beside you when it feels the whole world is falling apart."

As well as dealing with parents, teens have to cope with peer pressure.

Choices ranged from joining the "bad crowds" or hitting the books and studying, with one choice leading to another.

Making a friend introduced you to a group and with that came peer pressure, making it harder to cast off group behaviour.

"Whether you are silly enough to be the one who accepts the pass of a joint is completely up to you," she said.

"I have never felt the wrath of peer pressure. Saying no to things you don't feel comfortable with has never been that hard, and nobody really ever cared."