Being ugly to be beautiful

Last updated 05:00 17/08/2012
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SLAP IT ON: Are you killing your chance for bedroom fun with night time beauty rituals?

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Beauty sleep is a pleasure best taken alone. It can be pretty ugly. All sorts of things can be applied at night for some very real beauty benefits.

But not at the cost of your love life, surely ladies. What is the point to that? If the devices and products are impossibly unsightly in daytime, why would you want your partner to bear witness?

This is what I am asking myself. But still I do it. I blame you.

There are some things which are best left until your partner is away for the night.

The cliched rollers-in-hair and greasy night cream of the last-century housewife are cute compared to the beauty arsenal available now. Tooth whitening mouthguards, anti-wrinkle patches and leave-in deep conditioning hair packs, darling?

If you're never apart, it may just be better just to leave them alone. When he is away, you may be so distracted by their novelty that you neglect to feel lonely - and you wake up lovely.

The ultimate passion-killer would, typically, be the most effective beauty tip I have ever trialled.

A medical specialist told me the best way to reduce water-retention was to heap Lectric soda crystals on the ankles and lower legs and bandage them close with a tea-towels, topped with a pair of old tights, and leave it all on overnight.

The Lectric soda draws the moisture out (into the tea-towels and tights) and you wake up with slim legs.

Can you picture this? My husband didn't have to because I tried this with him lying next to me.

It's an old home hint I'd read about many a time but because it was a very stylish vascular surgeon giving the advice, I took it on board that very night to report the results to you. See how it's your fault?

Well, it worked a treat. Legs looked relaxed and yoga-fied the next day, ankles skinny.

Unfortunately bedclothes were scattered with soggy stray soda crystals. I couldn't countenance tights, let alone in bed, and one of the tea-towels dislodged some time during the night.

Another beauty aid my husband has enjoyed at my expense is a silicon facial pad between the eyes - designed to soften frown marks in a less invasive and immeasurably longer term way than Botox injections.

He said I looked like Adam Ant (the Dandy Highwayman days) which led to an invasion of my laugh lines.

An overnight face mask caused a ruction early in our relationship even though he was away for the night.

The masque wasn't supposed to be left on overnight but I thought it would amplify the beauty benefits for a welcome homecoming.

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Unfortunately all it did was work its way into my eyes so I woke up half blinded behind a painful wall of white moisturising film.

A walk to the local pharmacy for help was so frightening I phoned him to come home and look after me.

He'd just arrived at his destination, four hours away. With his family. My stunning stupidity and undoubted vanity made quite an impression on my future in-laws.

Do you add to the benefits of rest with unattractive beauty aids? Do you leave in conditioner, pack on the Vaseline and fuzzy bedsocks or wear a dodgy dental implement?

Or have you found overnight treatments that avoid detection and make you look better the next day? Do you feel familiarity breeds contempt? Do share.

- Sydney Morning Herald

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