Fake testicles for your pet
BY NICK BARNETTSensitive readers shift your gaze, because today this family-rated blog turns its attention to a sexual subject. I'll try to do it tastefully, without smirking or placing innocent-seeming phrases to prompt ribald laughter. I just hope, with the subject of neutering and testicles, that I haven't bitten off more than I can chew.
Neuter your pet! That's what all the authorities tell us, and most of us go along. We go along because neutering cuts the number of unwanted, abandoned or abused animals. We go along because neutering improves a lot of troubling behaviour in our pets, and can even give pets the chance to live longer.
But some people won't do it. Breeders have a perfect reason. But let's not beat around the bush, among that group of non-neuterers is a breed of man who won't do it. They don't want their male dog or cat to suffer something that they themselves would feel weakened or unmanned by. Perhaps it's because they want their dog (usually it's a dog) to enjoy the rich parade of sex, aggression, restlessness and territoriality that they'd choose for themselves if society and good sense didn't forbid it.
Or perhaps sometimes it's aesthetic, and some owners just love the look of a pair of retreating doggy danglers; the music of the spheres, if you will.
I remember an episode of Dog Whisperer in which Cesar Millan recommended that an aggressive dog be neutered. The dog's human mum was fine with it, but the human dad dug his heels in. "I'm Italian, it's not in my culture," he said. Eventually, reluctantly, he came around.
Well, to all those guys who cringe at the thought of neutering their pets, my personal message is "get over it". It's not you it's being done to, or for. It's not a cultural desecration or an implied affront to your manliness.
But I can acknowledge the aesthetic argument. Not because it fills me with naturalistic joy to see dogs' balls jouncing around, but because there is power to the As Nature Intended argument.
And the answer may be at hand. Believe it or not, you can buy prosthetic testicles for your neutered pet. Choose a size to fit your pet: for example, my year-old dachshund Connor would require a set of the 0.63-inch Neuticles to fill his wizened raisin of a scrotum, at a cost of US$119 the pair. If I want to go up-market from polypropylene to solid silicone, the cost will be US$259.
I won't make you sick into your Kornies by showing them to you; let it be enough to say that they look exactly like jellybeans.
The Neuticles site boasts that their little products can help a pet's self-esteem. To that I say bollocks; it's the owner's self-esteem or aesthetic delicacies at issue here. Or do you really think your dog's or cat's mood would be improved by having a couple of silicone nuggets between its knees?
But the one good argument for having these things available is that they might actually make some people more ready to neuter their pets. And that's a good thing, right?
So would you use them? Or do you find the whole idea of prosthetic animal testicles hard to swallow? Are these implants a kindness for a pet? Are you turned off neutering, for any reason?
Oh, and Neuticles make attractive earrings. Not sure if that holds true for the genuine articles, though.
Also, check out the Neuticles site for other surgical titivations available for your pet, including ear implants to keep your dog's floppy or broken ears perky.
Anything else you can think of that the Neuticles makers could get into?
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Picture: Reuters
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you said you were not going to be unkind "wizened rasin of a scrotum" LOL. I can't help it (furious crossing & uncrossing of legs here) I don't think you know what exhibitors have to go through with an entire dog for the show ring & the judges cold hands. I don't know how easy it would be to tell the real from fake once they are inserted. I think that there is too much haste to get it done far too early in the life of a dog. I prefer to wait untill 9 months at least.
@ #2
Why wait!?! So they can feel like they've been totally violated?? At least if its done when they are very young they likely won't remember having them (girls not at all *grin*) so can't miss them. Waiting is MEAN!
my boys licked themselves there when they had balls and they licked themselves there after the chop. Guess what... they don't care either way! They'd be more concerned if they couldn't have a good old chew downstairs, what's there doesn't matter! I have heard about people in the dog show world using these which I can sort of understand but really? This is a vanity thing for owners. Nothing more. Does anyone else want to know what they feel like once in!? Weird.
I've always thought it was funny that there are those men who go all 'he-man' on their dog; yet I've never come across a woman who has a problem with their bitch being speyed.
Read: dogs do not have your peculiar attachment to their manhood. They are dogs. People - especially these kind of men - need to stop projecting human emotions/needs onto their animals and think about how they would feel if they were prevented from ever having sex again.
Its definitely a guy thing! We have 2 dogs, a girl and a boy. No one really seemed to care when our girl was spayed despite the fact that its quite invasive surgery where they pretty much take everything. We just had our 5 month old boy done, and the amount of comments I've gotten about the "poor little guy". I guess its just that males seem to have some sort of emotional attachment to them, like it makes them more of a man.... as a female I guess I will never get it!
Crazy my fixed male dog is perfectly happy they way he is. We fixed him so we didn't need to worry about him trying to get out when there were bitches in heat.
@n Re: Why wait... If you want your "dog" to reach his full size and development, it is better to wait until they have finished growing, ie at around a year old. This is probably more important if you have a "breed" eg a lab or a rotty, where he is supposed to have a particular build. If you've got a bitzer, SPCA special etc that doesn't have a breed standard, or "typical" body type, then it probably doesn't matter so much. Sex hormone and growth hormone pathways interact. A lot of people say you shouldn't get a bitch fixed until after her first season for the same reasons.
The fact that there is an anti-neutering lobby out there is sheer nuts.
My dog didn't care either way, it's not like he was using them anyway! And we're like Missy, didn't want the dog getting out because he gets carried away. It makes no difference if they're intact or made to look as though they're intact. The dog has no idea, it's just the owner who feels the need to help the dog fit in! What a strange concept, but I guess if you need to buy for "the man who has everything" this could be a good Christmas idea......
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wow.. I'm practically speechless.. it sound so ridiculous.
now if they did prosthetic limbs or tails (I always feel sorry for dogs that have docked tails even if it is supposedly for their own good)
Not sure I'd wear dog balls as earrings although they might go well with a reindeer poop necklace.