Research proves cats are better, so there

BY NICK BARNETT

Much is being made of a study published in New Scientist which found that a dog is a better pet than a cat. But you probably didn't know that some in the scientific community say that this conclusion is, to use the technical term, crap.

You probably didn't know that this subject has already been the, er, subject of rigorous scientific testing. It's just that the pantywaists at New Scientist, well known as a paid-for front for the US Kennel Club and Big Dogfood, wouldn't publish it.

But Four Legs Good, being neutral and non-aligned and in possession of 79% in School Cert science, is in a position to reveal the true scientific facts.

We refer to the 2009 study by researchers at the Stokes Valley Institute for Doing Pet Studies, titled is Catz iz Gr8: An Unbiased Scientific Pet Study.

Research team leader Dr Philippe Navidad explains:

"We pitted cats against dogs in nine categories, with 'best in show', ha ha, being awarded to the pet that prevails in most categories."

I asked Dr Navidad who selected those nine categories. He replied, "Mum."

The research team's findings, under each of the nine headings, are as follows:

Length of Tail: An exhaustive survey of pets' tail lengths found that cats' tails were "really long except for those ones that don't have any, which we didn't count". By comparison, dogs' tails were "all over the place and in some cases hardly there at all". Winner: cats.

Messiness: An examination of household habits found that "dogs are way messier than cats". "The typical dog leaves 3.6 chew toys on the floor at any given time, compared with the cat's 0.7. Tread on a half-chewed plastic bone and you can cut your foot real bad. Imagine! As for toilet and food, don't even ask, dogs are pigs." However, researchers were forced to conclude that dogs and cats were on a par when acts of public self-cleaning were counted. Winner: cats.

Inappropriate Humping Behaviours: Based on Dr Navidad's personal experience in this category, cats were declared the easy winners.

Cuteness: Dog and cat pulchritude was measured by the research team giving pictures to their mums and then using sophisticated microphone technology to measure intensity, duration and pitch of the "awww" sound emitted. Winner: a tie.

Doing Tricks: "Dogs can do sit, come, roll over and that stuff," reported Dr Navidad, "but I knew a cat that could dance". Winner: cats.

Size: Cats were found to conform closely and conveniently to a predictable size range. Dogs, by contrast, were "all over the place", which would suit some people, the study reluctantly conceded. Winner: A tie.

Meanness: "It's a well known fact that dogs bite people's noses off and kidnap babies," the study concluded. "You never read about vicious tabby attacks, it's all 'pit bull' and 'pit bull crosses', so dogs are totally much more meaner than cats." Winner: cats.

Recognising and Chasing Off Intruders: The study found that cats were significantly more likely than dogs to rub up against the legs of, or sit on the lap of, a hostile intruder. Dogs were more likely than cats to bark wildly or let out a little bit of submission-pee. Score one for the dogs.

Irrational Fears: Cats were slightly more likely to be phobic about rain hitting a skylight, but dogs were losers in this category due to how they're afraid of their own farts and growl for half an hour at a streak of bird poo on the window.

The overall result? "Cats totally win this one," smiled Dr Navidad, who presented the study's findings accompanied by research assistants Dr Bella Bossikins and Miss Chubby-Paws.

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