If motherhood were like an office job

Last updated 14:28 17/06/2014

Last week I explained about how my son was born.

Naturally, this event has changed my life quite significantly. This was expected, of course. I knew going in that I had no idea what I was getting myself in for, and how true that was.

It's difficult as a yet-to-be-parent to fully grasp quite how terrifying, overwhelming, and well, hard it is to care for a baby. Certainly no one was able to sufficiently describe it to me, pre-baby, in a way that even scratched the surface of the thing. 

It truly is the hardest job in the world.

In that vein, in case any non-parental types out there are wondering what that particular line of work is like I have created a series of visual aides below that use an everyday office environment as a frame of reference. Just how much does motherhood differ from an office job?

Well, first there are issues around communication.

#1: Your boss is constantly complaining in Icelandic

And then, of course, there's the fact that babies are so cute. Which means they get away with murder. 

#2: Your boss is completely incompetent and cruises by on their good looks

There's also a certain level of grossness that you don't generally have to deal with in the average open plan office.

#3: Paperwork = unsanitary

It's not the drinking. It's how we're drinking.

And where we're vomiting. And the velocity and force with which we're vomiting. And can anyone recommend a good carpet cleaning product?

#4: Friday night drinks are MESSY

Every little thing you do in the day has an added degree of difficulty, usually because you're trying to do it one-handed while holding a wriggling infant but other times it's just about discomfort.

#5: Simple everyday tasks are just more difficult

I literally do get kicked in the tits. Every. Single. Day. Why don't they ever show THAT on a Huggies advert, hmmm?

The conditions of work are pretty horrendous. And you don't have a union.

#6: Your employment contract is of the DEVIL

Now, I'm actually a writer rather than an artist so if any of the above looks wobbly or slightly weird then that would be why.

Parents, is this what it's like in your "work environment"? Non-parents, does this honestly sound like something you'd be keen on? 

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