My Chemico romance

Last updated 08:45 10/10/2008

As I mentioned earlier in the week, I will be moving flat soon.  This has meant that I've had to cast a rather more critical eye around "the pad" than usual and though I'm a generally pretty clean, lady-like lady, there are a few areas where four years' worth of accumulated grime has built up...and now I have to deal to it.

A colour not found in nature…Oh yes, there will be cleaning in my future but I almost don't care because I've rediscovered the bestest cleaning product ever.  It's pink.  It's pastey.  It comes in a tub.  It's Chemico.

The moment I opened the pink tub and took a whiff of the miraculous contents I was immediately whisked back to Linwood Intermediate.  It was the end of term and prior to stacking our desks on one side of the classroom we had to clean off all the biro-scrawled graffitti on them.  We were given a cloth, an icecream container half-filled with water, and a mysterious chemically smelling pink substance. Adolescent declarations of "Bon Jovi 4 eva" and crude depictions of male appendages really didn't stand a chance against the gritty pink onslaught.

Fast forward twenty years and Chemico is working its magic at Whare Tamaira.  The kitchen cupboard doors which had a patina of cooking grime from curries and pastas past.  Clean.  The spag-bol splattered wall next to the stove.  Clean.  The bath.  Clean.  I know what you're going to say. I'm starting to sound a bit like that crazed "Easy Off Bam" guy (sidebar - what kind of drugs is that guy on and how quickly can we get it banned? Because seriously, that dude is Gene Wilder freaky).

I'm even starting to love the smell of Chemico in the morning.  It smells like victory.  The aroma also strongly reminds me of the girls' toilets at school, so much so that I immediately find myself thinking of that scrunchy brown toilet "paper" and the illicit and ill-advised application of Maybelline blue eyeliner, whenever I inhale deeply (which I've taken to doing...often).

Really there's no ill that Chemico can't fix.  Quite likely Victoria Beckham is exfoliating her face with it right now.

Though the tub says that the contents are "Fully Biodegradable", the unusual smell and name "Chemico" do make me worry that I might be infertile now.  I mean, there's not a single ingredient listed anywhere on it.  What in heaven's name could this stuff be made of?  Ground up Barbie Dreamhouses?

It's a bit like that other strangely compelling cleaning product of days of yore, Swarfega.  It was green and viscous and could make grease magically disappear.  Swarfega would have to be the Incredible Hulk of hand cleansers.  Even the name sounds manly.  And much like Chemico you can easily imagine that it was back-engineered from some kind of alien technology.  It's not of this Earth I tells ya.

But I care not.  I love my little pink tub o' wonder.  I really think we could have a very bright future together (and since I probably won't be having children now, it's good that I have a little companionship).

Do you remember the scent of Chemico?  What do you think it might be made of?  Is Swarfega made from aliens?  Would you trust Easy Off Bam guy to babysit your kids?  Silly answers only below.

51 comments
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Label   #1   09:42 am Oct 10 2008

Swarfega is made from a combination of pitbull saliva, Chuck Norris sweat and ground up helicopters left over from Vietnam. No extra-terrestrial involvement necessary.

Asmodean   #2   09:55 am Oct 10 2008

I don't know this Chemico stuff... I've heard of it but I have never used it. Suddenly I want some, though.

Niri Tacen   #3   10:19 am Oct 10 2008

It looks so wonderfully edible. I wonder if we put it in a bowl and called it custard we could get a certain hotel heiress to eat some...

That Easy Off Bam is definitely on something. If I had kids, there's no way I'd let him near them. "BAM! And the kids are gone!"

Swarfega isn't aliens. It's made of animal eggs harvested from deep ocean trenches. One day, the egg-layer will come for revenge.

It's Friday! Time for twirling! :-)

Sober Scot   #4   10:31 am Oct 10 2008

I'm sure I've posted this elsewhere already but here it is again, as it's really funny... :)

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--dmLwKs_Ww&quot; rel="nofollow">Kitchen Gun!</a>

Megs   #5   10:39 am Oct 10 2008

Bam! And the kids are gone! Hmmm, tempting...

Cathi   #6   11:00 am Oct 10 2008

I love the Easy Off Bam guy.

He may be weird and freaky.. but he's absolutely hilarious, and has successfully sold his product. To me at least. And isn't that what he's on the advert for?

Admittedly, I've never actually bought the product, but I love the idea of it. And every time I see the ad, I make a little note to myself to buy Easy Off Bam next time I need a household cleaner, which never actually happens. (Me buying Easy Off Bam, not me never cleaning!)

Mongo   #7   12:00 pm Oct 10 2008

I'm glad you enjoyed your Swarfega. I'm sure the millions of oppressed Swarfan slaves who toil throughout the 40 hour day in the swarfega mines kilometres beneath their planet surface are thrilled to hear that you use this weapons grade solvent as a hand cleanser.

andrea   #8   12:20 pm Oct 10 2008

We used Chemico back in intermediate &amp; high school (over 10yrs ago) in home ec. i cant remember what it smells like tho - but i do know it got rid of EVERYTHING!

Emma   #9   12:41 pm Oct 10 2008

I remember Chemico, I also remember having badly damaged skin on my hands from not wearing gloves while using it but it did clean extremely well. I think it looks like that custard the Teletubbies have... are the teletubbies eating chemico or are we cleaning with *shudder* tubbie tustard. Potentially chemico could be made from all of the barbie heads and legs that come off and then get lost... they get transported and transformed into Chemico I never knew the green stuff was called Swarfega. Or maybe we used a different brand... it always made me think of alien snot (green, translucent, slimy, supernatural) or something along those lines.

Megs   #10   12:42 pm Oct 10 2008

@ Cathi

Don't bother, its the worst cleansing product I've ever used! It certainly doesn't live up to its promo imo


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