Moata Jones and the tights of doom

Last updated 10:05 22/04/2009

Yesterday my attire for the day included a pair of tights I'd bought the other week in preparation for cooling Christchurch temperatures. I'd noticed at the time that they were "firm control opaque tights" but I pretty much just thought that meant they were a bit thicker than average. It wasn't until I went to pull them on yesterday morning that I noticed just how tight they were. Putting them on I suddenly understood how it might feel to be slowly consumed by a boa constrictor if the snake in question had forgotten to render you unconscious first.  Actually, make that two boa constrictors.

I've been putting on (and removing) my own tights for some years now and I fancy I've managed to pretty much get it down to something approaching a fluid motion (or series thereof). This was not like that. There was grimacing and discomfort and mild bad language. At some point it became apparent that I had reached "the point of no return". It seemed inadvisable to continue...and yet going back didn't seem an option either. So I persevered onwards and upwards.

After successfully (if you could call it that) squeezing myself into these black nylon/elastane tubes of torture I examined the packet, which informed me in slightly smaller print that they came "with a firm control brief that slims & shapes". Oh, is that what it's doing? I just thought it was really needy.

I decide to give the tights the benefit of the doubt and wear them all day, partly because you always have to suffer for beauty and partly because as difficult as it was to get them on, getting them off is probably going to be even more time consuming and I don't want to be late for work.

Eventually I acclimatised to the odd band of pressure around my mid-section but things went awry when I swung around in my office chair to converse with a colleague. I was leaning to the left when I felt an unrolling sensation down my left side. I froze, uncertain how far said rolling would go. It stopped just above the hip but for a terrifying moment I imagined that my womanly curves might have proven too much for industrial strength hose. Luckily not.

But worse was to come. As any woman (or cyclist) will tell you, toilet breaks tend to become more complicated when wearing any kind of tights. These ones really didn't like being rolled down. They gripped me at the knees like a vice. Actually more like a really super-tight rubber band. I wondered if I sat too long and eventually lost the feeling in my legs, the numbness would make removing "Tightzilla" easier or more difficult. As it was, I was grateful that the next cubicle was empty so no one could hear the small sounds of exertion that were coming from my efforts to re-establish control of my undergarments.

"But," I hear you exclaim, "did they make you look slimmer?" Not really, but they did keep my pins warm. And I'm still wearing them because I'm afraid to take them off.  I may have to be buried in them.

But seriously folks, have you, or someone you know, ever had to wrangle their underthings? Or suffered some kind of "catastrophic failure"? There must be some beaut (but clean) stories out there that you can share.


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JeM   #1   10:18 am Apr 22 2009

Try putting those slim and lift pantihose things on - it is killer! On the box it even says to insert hand and move butt cheek into desired "lift" position.

But it does make the clothes look a wee bit better - just not ideal for a romantic night out - you don't want to be getting down with it and revealing those beauties...

becks   #2   10:36 am Apr 22 2009

Oh yes, I feel your pain! I had the same kind of problem yesterday, only mine were not super control, just too blimmin small! spent all day yesterday with the crotch of the tights down round my kness, and the top bits under my bum!

To make matters worse my normally well behaved dress decided to go ultra clingy, and I was paranoid the world could see rolls from my funny undergarments!

anabels   #3   10:40 am Apr 22 2009

Guess it's not such a big deal for you Moata but the firm control tights make standing all day easier on your back. Also they seem to generate less cling factor than other opaques - though that could just be that your over garments are terrified of being strangled as well!

They do soften off a little after they've been washed a couple of times! But for the love of all things holy do not attempt to put them on wet! (Don't ask!)

Cat   #4   10:52 am Apr 22 2009

Scene: Te Awamutu Intermediate, Form 2. Swimming time, girls changing room. We shall call her K was skiting to the rest of us flat-chested girls that she had the first bikini (we were all in Speedo 1-pieces). She was also being super skity-bum about actually having a chest to rest the bikini on. We all file out to the pool. K waits to make her grand entrance in front of the boys. She saunters out, hips swinging. Impact made ... all eyes now on K. She dives gracefully into the pool and then turns over to do a length of backstroke. Shame her left tit's poking out of her 'kini and by now, everyone's in stitches. She looks down, realises faux pas, jumps out of pool and refuses to come out of changing room for the rest of the lesson. Next week, she's back in a one-piece!

paul   #5   10:54 am Apr 22 2009

I feel liked I walked into a meeting of a sinister feminine cabal. Sorry.. will have to come back tomorrow when Moata talks man-propriate stuff again.

China   #6   11:19 am Apr 22 2009

The 'unrolling' sensation is horrible!! I always think that an under garment muffin top will be visible to the world! Especially not good when you're standing up in front of 30 odd people for a presentation. This is the time to spray the Rescue Remedy until your tongue is numb and the bottle is empty.

lovelycate   #7   12:05 pm Apr 22 2009

I tend to get sucked in by the promises of those firming/shaping things, and then bitterly disappointed. I once purchased, from a popular NZ clothing catalogue, a little lycra corset-y thing - not your full-on Victorian drama, just a short thing designed to smooth out the waistline and tummy. However, like your tights Moata, it seemed designed only to be worn while in a perfectly upright position. As soon as I sat down or attempted to slouch, the blasted thing would fold itself in half, thereby giving me extra folds and rolls just where it was supposed to be eliminating them...

I have also found out through much trial and error the importance of well fitting bras (side boob, back boob, double boob...) and that however attractive they look on first trying them, 'balconette' bras are not my friends - unfortunately, my lady lumps quickly have an irresistible desire to leap off the 'balconette' and make a bid for freedom.

By the way, I firmly believe that pantihose are the work of satan.

zelz   #8   12:08 pm Apr 22 2009


By far the worst is when you are you walking down the street and you're under-garments are half swallowed by your bottom and its really uncomfortable so you want to 'unpluck' it as such. Damned if you do, damned if you don't type scenario, so you wait for the right moment to do it and then right when you do someone appears out of nowhere! And from experience never try slimming 'bike short' underwear underneath a slinky dress on a windy day - DISASTER!!

Nick-   #9   12:10 pm Apr 22 2009

Whoever invented cotton boxers needs to be shot. people who give them as christmass presents need to be shot twice.

The seam is the underwear equivalent of a cheese slicer.

mac   #10   12:14 pm Apr 22 2009


ermmm.... aaa..


How about those Highlanders, huh?

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