Heinous sweet heinous
I've gone on record several times bemoaning the presence of the criminally ugly, so much so that no one could accuse me of sitting on the fence when it comes to my own personal aesthetic. And for the record I do not believe that the iconic status of the Bain jumpers should give people licence to dig these artefacts out of opshops everywhere and brandish them in an expression of hipster chic. Some things are so ugly they should be left to moulder, if not doused in kerosene and ceremonially cremated.
But earlier this week I was reminded that ugly, like charity, begins at home. I had a friend come over who hadn't been to my house since I moved. When you look at something every day you kind of forget how heinous it is until you find yourself apologising for it to someone whose opinion you value. "Oh, um, that's right," I muttered "please do excuse the ugliest curtain in Christendom." It lives in my lounge covering a glass-paned door that leads to the sunroom. On the occasions when I'm brave enough to look directly at it in full light it makes me think of the contents of one's stomach splattered into a gutter, should the stomach owner in question have been drinking red "raspberry" fizzy. Truly, it has a very emetic quality to it. Should I ever accidentally swallow poison or bad shellfish I'm quite sure five solid minutes of fixed staring at the curtain will have me sorted. Upon arrival at the hospital I shall be able to say "No stomach pump for me thanks, I've had curtain."
My second encounter with the unfeasibly heinous involves me wearing a comedy beard. To explain why I needed such an item would be not all that interesting and a bit long-winded so we'll just skip that part. All you need know is that I am now in possession of a $6.50 beard. However, it's the packaging that the beard came on that's got me worried. Have a look for yourself and tell me what you think.
Now, obviously you don't see this charming fellow's dial when you buy the beard because the facial fur in question is covering most of it. But once you have de-bearded him, well... He makes me feel quite unsettled. He's like the model for pedophile beards. Initially I thought he looked like a cross between Leonard Nimoy, Walter Matthau and Dr. Mesmer but more recently I have felt as if this is a representation of a zombie Charlton Heston. From his cold, dead, but somehow re-animated hands? At least he doesn't have any teeth with which to rend my comparatively youthful flesh.
Honestly, the more I look at it the more weirded out I get. Why is the earlobe on the right so much bigger and lower than the one on the left? Why are his irises so colourless? Why is he Lindsay Lohan orange? Is it just me or is there menace behind those eyes? That's it. I can't actually look at it any longer.
Do you have any contenders for "ugliest curtain in Christendom"? What do you think the story with "Beard & Mustache" man is? Oh, and last year when I got dressed up like a ninny and did that Real Hot Bitches thing in Cathedral Square? There's video on Youtube (you can see me in a hot pink headband, side ponytail and unflattering lipstick shade in one of the shots of the crowd. Brownie points to anyone who can specify the timestamp of my half-second appearance).
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Oh my! I can't figure out if his mouth is supposed to be open or closed, because it's all the same colour.
I used to live in a little house that hadn't been redecorated since about 1976 so sported some lovely LOVELY brown and gold patterned wallpaper which had also absorbed several years worth of cigarette smoke which gave it a further golden wheat/spewish yellow sheen.
Then of course there was my grandparent's lounge wallpaper which had a recurring pattern of a scene involving some sort of dilapidated castle on an island? Who came up with these wallpaper themes? Can I get that job?
OOOOOoooh that guy is creepy!
I had the ugliest curtains ever in my last place which I rented off my brother. I was honestly too ashamed to invite people over. They were black and white arrow-type patterns from the 1950's. Not only vomit inducing, but trance inducing.
They got replaced after 6 months of my constant whinging.
They offended me so much that instead of using them as rags for when I painted, I took them straight to the tip so they would never see the light of day again.
The carpet in the living room at my mum's house should be tried for crimes against interior decorating. It's a mad green with horrid patterns on it, dating from the early 1970's, when I can only assume it was bought on sale, because even hippies wouldn't buy it.
Should you spend five minutes looking at the worst curtains in Christendom, and threw up on the carpet in question, it would on average actually improve the said carpet.
In my own house, the bathroom was painted a colour that could only be described as 'oh my word that's nipple pink'. Rather than cause trauma, and severe constipation, this room was actually repainted blue before we even moved in ... and this was a house we were only renting! Yes, it was so ghastly, that we painted a rental property bathroom before we moved in.
He kinda looks like the cigarette smoking man off X-Files.
I have a friend who would love that curtain - she's into abstract bold colours (although not as clothing, happily).
It often seems that people design the pattern, and never consider how it's going to look when it's repeated across several square metres of fabric. The same is true for paint - even a tiny test patch won't tell you how hideous your room will look when the entire wall is that colour.
Subtle is how it should be. Muted and subtle.
Wow - it looks like something out of the labyrinth.
Our last flat had pale, mint-green shagpile carpeting, baby pink striped wallpaper and the bedroom had maroon leopard-print curtains. It made me simultaneously sick and like I was in a bad porn film. Add to that the layer of chicken grease on everything in the kitchen thanks to the previous owners and the handles everywhere for the wheelchair-bound woman who owns the property and you've got one wierd looking house. Although the big lever-type handle by the toilet did come in handy after particularly violent curry expulsion and repetitive booze-induced vomiting.
OK I'm even grossing myself out now.
Is that you at 8.59? You can tell there's some serious procrastination going on here...
he looks like a scary version of Dr Huxtable. I expect him to be yelling at Vanessa (the little cow) and praising Rudy who was obviously the favourite.
Ahem. I lived in a revolting house for a time that had the most ugliest brown fake wood panelling, 3/4 walled - then above it pink floral wallpaper. revolting.
That dude is like a cross between Abraham Lincoln and Leonard Cohen -now there's a combination! The 'best' ugly curtains were the green, brown and yellow bamboo on the beige crimpalene fabric. Life-sized bamboo, not a miniatutre pattern. Second best were the ones with a depiction of the battle of Waterloo as a repeating pattern, in a blood-stain brownish red. In the same house as the bamboo. I did in fact do a ritual burning when we removed them. Wish I'd kept them now, I could have put them on Trade Me along with a great story about Pandas fighting for the French, and made a small fortune.
LOL at your nasty curtain! I replaced all the curtains in my house very quickly when I moved in.
I do have a couple of heinousities left in my house. I have these awful lino tiles which are mostly grey faux marble look, but with orange, blue, yellow and black ones thrown in randomly (like 1 or 2 of each colour total). They have survived 2 years but I'm now in the process of removing them. Then its just the green faux marble shower lining left!
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I can see you in some camp thriller movie - the villain has you bound to the table while you expect the unveiling of the megawatt laser that burns inexorably towards your never-named nethers and with a moustache twirl he says "It's curtains for you Ms Taimara!" then with a flourish he unveils The Curtain (behind a curtain you see). Cue screaming and pleas for mercy...