My body is a temple

Spring.  Even if the improved weather weren't a clue to which season we're in, you'd be able to tell just from the frequency with which the phrase "I really must start going to the gym again" is being deludedly bandied about the place...even by people who should know better.  And I'm including myself in that category. 

Another dead giveaway is the increased number of TV ads for various hair removal products.  Jeez, anyone would think that during the winter time all we do is sit around eating bags of chips and getting furry (sideways eye-glancing and nervous laughter from this quarter...).

Health and grooming.  Maybe in the winter months they do go on the back burner in favour of things like couch-time and hours spent rocking backwards and forwards in shock from the increased power bills. 

But luckily Sir James Sawler has come along to save me from my wicked, wicked ways.  Modern self-help has nothing on this guy.  He rolls old-school...like 1898-old.  Let me explain.  Last week I was very much in the grip of Conference-fever; this manifests as getting up early, staying out late and generally squishing as much information as humanly possible into one's brain...and also there are freebies. 

I was reasonably restrained this year but somehow you always manage to end up with at least one pen, bag of lollies, notepad and tote even if you're not really trying.  My favourite freebie this year, though, has been some postcards featuring advertisements and other snippets of interest from old newspapers that have been digitised by the National Library.  One such was "Latest Rules of Health" from the Ellesmere Guardian of 23 March 1898 compiled by the aforementioned Mr Sawler.  He's got 19 pretty nifty ideas and I am heartily looking forward to revamping my lifestyle accordingly.  Let's dive in, shall we?

1. Eight hours' sleep - This could be a challenge.  Ever since I discovered Facebook, going to bed on time is a rather unattractive proposition.  And have you noticed they bury all the best TV shows late at night?

2. Sleep on your right side - I have so been going wrong on this one.  I don't even sleep on the right side of the bed.  How do you break yourself of lefty sleeping? Maybe if I place a photo of Colin Firth at my right side I will naturally turn that way?  Would a bar of chocolate have the same effect?  I may have to experiment.  Rightside sleeping is obviously very beneficial in some mysterious yet scientific way.

3. Keep your bedroom window open all night - Okay, the only way I can see this working is if I move to the tropics and employ Ninjas to guard my house, otherwise there's no way I'll actually get the all-important eight hours' sleep.  Do they have a lot of unemployed Ninjas in Jamaica?

4. Have a mat to your bedroom door - I think this might be to stop germs sneaking up on you in your sleep.  They are unable to pass the threshold of a room that has a mat at the door.  Much the same way violent criminals will not crawl in your bedroom window and assault you as you sleep.  Anyway, it's an easy fix.  Freedom furniture, here I come!

5. Do not have your bedstead against the wall - Now, this one is more difficult because I have a slopey floor and if I orient my bed the other way all the blood in my body may be forced towards my feet.  I'm sure this is good advice, though.  Very feng shui.  Advanced furniture arranging is assured to have a compelling effect on my health and well-being.

6. (though inexplicably this is labelled 9. in the list) No cold tub in the morning, but a bath at the temperature of the body - I'm with you on this one James.  A cold bath in the morning sounds tremendously unpleasant.  I wonder if I can substitute a shower for a bath, though?  Unfortunately my shower only does freezing cold or scalding hot so "body temperature" could be difficult.

7. Exercise before breakfast - Does reaching for the remote to turn on the TV count?  I hope it does.

8. Eat little meat and see that it is well cooked - So no medium rare steaks then?  Darn.  Does KFC count as meat?  I hope it doesn't.

9. (For adults) Drink no milk - Milk is one of the healthier things I drink but if Sawler says, I will forgo this in favour of something more nutritious...like gin.

10. Eat plenty of fat to feed the cells which destroy disease germs - Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner!  Since I'll be sleeping with a chocolate bar (see #2) this is not going to be a problem.  This man is a genius.

11. Avoid antoxicants, which destroy those cells - I don't know what an "antoxicant" is but I will absolutely avoid them.  I will refuse to friend them on Facebook and if we're at the same party I will stay on the opposite side of the room, trash-talking them and their cell-killing ways.

12. Daily exercise in the open air - But not when it's raining, right? And in the winter time Christchurch's "open air" is a touch "smog-heavy".  But, yay! Ex-er-cise. Love it! Wicked.  Can't wait.

13. Allow no pet animals in your living rooms; they are apt to carry about disease germs - Do they carry about disease germs in little pet animal handbags?  That would be cool.  Pet animals will only be admitted to hallways and bathrooms. Done and done.

14. Live in the country if you can - I can't.

15. Watch the three Ds; drinking water, damp, and drains - Are we avoiding all three?  Okay then, I prefer my scotch straight anyway.

16. Have a change of occupation - Well, he doesn't say how often.  I have changed jobs in the last three months so that'll probably do for now.  Hopefully I will be "discovered" by Simon Cowell very soon anyway.  All that singing in my not-quite-body-temperature shower is sure to pay off.

17. Take frequent and short holidays - I tend to be an annual leave hoarder of the worst kind but if I must, for my health, indulge in three-day weekends from time to time I suppose I could be talked into it.

18. Limit your ambition - Hmm, well this seems to be in conflict with #16 but let's face it I'm not really going to be a pop star therefore in actuality my ambition is indeed limited.  I had no idea that having a complete lack of drive was good for you.  Yay me!

19. Keep your temper - Ah, nuts.  Just when I thought I was doing so well.  Maybe this is not the health regime for me after all.

So ladies and disease germs, how well would you go if you were to apply the "Latest Rules of Health" to your own lifestyle?  And have you been feeling the spring urge to improve yourself with disgusting exercise and formerly non-essential grooming?

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