School for seduction
As I think I may have mentioned at various times in this blog, I am a single thirtysomething woman. There are lots of things that accompany having this status. I can stay out late if I want to without checking in or disrupting dinner plans. I can go to the movies without engaging in longwinded "negotiations" wherein my preferences and list of already viewed films are overlapped with another person's. Sometimes I get the "look of pity" from smug marrieds, which is always fun. Also par for the course is (hopefully) being chatted up by guys every now and again.
I know that approaching a stranger and striking up a conversation is not, by any stretch of the imagination, an easy thing to do, and as someone who has a sometimes uncontrollable tendency towards sarcasm, speaking to me in particular might be even more fraught with difficulty. Having just undertaken a "girly roadtrip" where there was a series of spectacularly unsuccessful attempts at successful male to female interaction, I feel compelled to outline the following pointers for any likely lads who might be reading and would like to brush up a little. Most of these I would imagine to be what you might call "no-brainers" but recent events have made it apparent that this is not necessarily the case.
How about we exchange names first? - Generally speaking, when it comes to the wooing of women, one cannot put the cart before the horse - that is, as one must crawl before one can walk, so too must certain simple steps we taken before great leaps. For instance, if a clutch of ladies should be entering the hotel you are staying at, yelling your room number out in their general direction is NOT the appropriate way of announcing your interest in them. How about starting with a simple but direct "Hi there"?
You're not wittier when you're drunk - Women can be incredibly talkative creatures and are often happy chatting among themselves, without male companionship, for hours on end. More often than not there won't be an obvious pause in the conversation for you to take advantage of. You may just have to bowl on up there. That's okay but try not to wait until after you're on your eighth pint to do it. Chat up lines are a lot less effective when they are slurred. There are very few men who can pull off "suave" in this state of inebriation. Sean Connery could probably do it. Oliver Reed almost certainly did. Unless you are an incredibly famous British thesp this approach is best avoided. (NB - If the woman you are approaching is also on her eighth pint then obviously there's a level playing field and you may actually stand a snowball's chance in Hell. Just keep those beer-goggles firmly in place and all will be well.)
Not all attention is good attention - If your previous attempts at "chatting up" have resulted in the womenfolk removing themselves from the bar, to the less raucous atmosphere of the TV lounge then a second approach may be possible but only if you are less drunk than you were during the first encounter. Definitely do not attempt a follow-up flirtation if you are more drunk than before. If upon tracking them down, you find you have difficulty engaging the ladies in conversation, pretending to play a game of chess with your offsider that involves throwing chess pieces all over the floor while making obvious puns around the word "pawn" will get their attention (though women, being wily creatures, will probably give the impression that they barely notice your presence in the room). Be assured, the attention you receive will not be of the kind that will "further the relationship". The second you leave the room they will be making very unladylike faces (not to mention gestures) at each other. They will not be "swoony" facial expressions and the gestures will not involve fanning their faces due to your hotness.
"Norman Bates" won't get you dates - Having failed twice to "make a connection" it's best to quit while you're behind. Don't keep "popping in" to see if the objects of interest are still there. If they should still, for some bewildering reason, manage to resist the kind of opening gambits that George Clooney wishes he was smooth enough to come up with, accept defeat gracefully. If the room is lined with historic newspaper pages, reading out a pretend headline as in "Three girls go missing in ... Oh, when's this one from?...2009" will not make the girls in question seek the shelter of your manly frame. It will make them consider stealing steak knives from the restaurant for protection, not to mention going to the toilet in pairs (but they probably would have done that anyway, because chicks love going to the loo together). In terms of the chat-up, however, you've pretty much doused that bridge in kerosene and had at it with a flame-thrower. Passing out in a corner somewhere is the best that you can hope for.
As much as I wish I could say that I was exagerrating, all of the above, er, "approaches" were made toward me and my friends this weekend. Now, I know that not every bloke can be as smooth as the proverbial gravy sandwich and I think that most of the above was due to an excess of alcohol but does anyone seriously think this is "the way to woo"? What are the worst examples of chat-up fail you've ever seen/experienced? If you're a successfully coupled-up fella (or a much chatted-up gal), have you any tips for the lads?
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Hot tip from me: coming out baldly with "If you play your cards right you could have me tonight" is a guaranteed fail. His confidence was rather dented by my uncontrollable laughter. Still my favourite chat up fail experience.
Yikes! I have to say that by the time a guy reaches the stages you outlined, no amount of advice is going to make him attractive.
My most oustanding example of chat-up line fail was being approached by a stunningly ugly bloke who said "I just got my girlfriend pregnant. Wanna shag?" (No, I'm not making this up. I wish I was.)
I will admit to the classic fail of checking my wristwatch/pouring my drink on the floor while chatting someone up once. Classy that was.
So why do women go to the loo in pairs Moata? I wouldn't think a shared bladder relief experience would be particularly rewarding.
Spoken like a typical woman who's neevr tried approaching a member of the opposite sex.
Most times starting with a simple but direct "Hi there" gets ignored and doesn't go anywhere.
I rarely if ever use chat up lines. I just sit in the corner licking my eyebrows.
Grab ya bags bi6ch, you just scored!
As a former bargirl I have heard many a shocker during my time. Currently thinking about which one I'd give the award for worst ever! I can say that I have had one somewhat effective approach tried:
He said hello nicely while ordering his drinks, asked how my night was going, then when he gave me the cash to pay he'd slipped a piece of paper with his number on it in between the two bills! Very smooth and not too sleazy, if I wasn't taken I'd have definitely called him!
How entertaining. Sad thing is their memory of the night will be so different to yours - they probably woke up the next day thinking "man we played it so cool last night".
I can't say I've had any really shocking lines or behaviour used on me but my finace tells me he once tried to impress a girl by driving like James Bond. He went to do a skid into the driveway of the party they were headed to, then mixed up the accelerator and the break and drove right through a fence. Needless to say the girl wasn't impressed and he didn't try the same thing on me.
@samm #4 It is so we don't have to walk from our table to the toilet alone through throngs of horny men. It's much much safer in pairs!
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I have seen this before and it is sooooo lame!!
Last year I was staying at a motel in Ohakune with a few girlfriends. A bunch of guys was staying in the room next door. As they got drunker (alcohol appears to be a big factor here) they decided it would be funny to call our room.
Them: "Hi, is your car licence plate _____?" Me: "Yes" Them: "It's on fire" Me: "WTF" *Friends and I go running outside. Car is fine and there are a group of guys around it.* Them: "So, now you're here, you girls want a drink?" Us: "Losers..." *Head back inside to our own drinks and girly DVD*
A knock on the door with an introduction and invite would have actually worked (providing they were a little more sober). Telling me my car was on fire once they were beyond reasonable conversation was a fail.