For (or against) the birds?
Birds are sometimes referred to as "our feathered friends" but recent events have made me wonder if they are really deserving of such declarations of camaraderie. After all, when was the last time one of your mates took a dump on your car? 
(If you live in the Hutt or Hornby or any regional variation thereof, feel free to skip that particular query with no further questions asked.)
But really, isn't there something a bit off about creatures of the avian variety? Maybe it's their cold, dead eyes or the claw-like talons or just the weird jerky, almost robot like head movement that some them have but I am highly suspicious of their motives. Why, just over a week ago I and my friends were subject to brazen bullying behaviour from one such feathered fiend at Arthur's Pass.
Yes, we were all suckered into taking photos of the cute and cheeky kea who came hopping over, and weren't we just thrilled to bits that he decided to park up on the roof of Moose's car (can you say photo op?) but much like a drunk that goes from entertaining to angry in no time at all, this kea was not to be trifled with. When we tried to shoo him off the roof of the car so that we could open the doors and get in without danger of him diving inside and making off with our much treasured packet of roadtrip grainwaves, he would not be shooed. We waved our ineffectual fleshy arms at him and he stood his ground with claws and dangerous-looking beak. He had the stout, no-nonsense look of a geezer about him. He knew he was tougher than us and more to the point he knew that we knew it too. We had come up against the Ray Winstone of keas. As every schoolboy knows, the only thing that can beat the Ray Winstone of keas is the Vinnie Jones of pukekos but sadly none of them were available. Fortunately, I managed to perform a rather magnificent impersonation of a bullfighter with my heavy wool coat, which bought me and Betsy enough time to leap in and get the doors closed before tough nut Ray-kea could give us a kickin' (or a beaking).
And just yesterday, I was innocently eating a muffin outside the City Art Gallery in Wellington when I looked up and realised that I was surrounded by pigeons. It's probably a bit of a hangover from my time living in London but I always think of pigeons as "rats with wings". That is, they are dirty, disease-carrying vermin and under no circumstances should you touch them.
I guess I don't mind birds as long as they keep their distance but these ones were quite shameless and were getting a bit over-familiar, circling like sharks (or like drunken men on the pull on the West Coast), so I was doing the occasional kick-out with my leg just to remind them of how much higher up the food chain I was and that they should "respect my authoritah". And then one of them flew right up into my face. And that was it. I just lost it. I screamed and flapped my arms and legs around wildly and I really don't want to know what the people who were waiting in line for the Yoyoi Kusama exhibition thought about this embarrassing display. I'm hoping they assumed it was some kind of avant garde "performance art". One can but hope. In the end I was forced to put my muffin away so as to not draw unwanted attention. That's right, birds deprived me of my muffin enjoyment. This is NOT ON.
And Christchurch birds are no better. I know of several people who have had seagulls swoop in and knock pies or other food out of their hands, only for a second or third gull to come in and "claim" the dropped item. They work in teams...like pickpockets. For all I know they also steal tourists' wallets too. I wouldn't put it past them.
Generally, I'm okay around a bird, singular, but there's just something a wee bit menacing about a flock of the blighters. I think Alfred Hitchcock might have been right on the money with that film of his. Have you had bad bird experiences? Are they evil and sneaky? Are ducks the only exception? (I think they're cute and non-threatening). Or is Big Bird from Sesame Street the only benevolent bird of the bunch?
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I am petrified of black swans. When I was very young, we were feeding them at Rotorua Lake. I ran out of food, the black swan ran out of goodwill. He chased me for about 10 minutes, I was screaming, he pecked me on the back of the head and drew blood. Swans are the evil spawns of satan.
My brother will tell you, ducks are not at all cute. He was trying to get a duckling (well, he was warned) when Mummy Duck came over maternal, ran at him and pecked his kneecap - HARD. End result, 7 stitches. Not cutey cutey.
The only birds I like are little ones like fantails, staunchly beautiful ones like Tuis and, of course, crispy ones like roast chicken.
I knew a bloke in Auckland who, while having lunch in Aotea Square, had a hot chip snatched by what he reckons was a sparrow as it (the chip that is) made it's way from the packet to his gob. What about Donald - always a bit dangerous & I wouldnt want my kids left alone with that Big Bird for long - that creepy voice.
A few years ago I got attacked by a magpie at the Polytech end Barbados Street on my way home from work. It dive bombed me, pecked my head, and drew a little blood. The next few weeks I was too scared to walk along that stretch, so detoured through the Polyetch to avoid being attacked again. I rang the council to report it but they didn't seem very interested. The irony is I grew up i the country, and never had any problems with magpies. Moved to the city, and then they start attacking me. Very odd.
I hate to break it to you Moata but ducks can be just as evil. My girls and I had a picnic in the Botannical Gardens, we had a real spread going on too - great salads and breads, cold meats and of course bubbles.
It started with 5 unassuming ducklings. They were warm-fuzzingly cute but also very brazen. They streaked through the middle of our spread, they trampled the salad like pinot noir grapes and generally caused a commotion. Then just when we thought we were shot of them (they don't like having olive pits thrown at them, for reference) they returned, with back-up from a few sparrows, their mums and a finch or two. Each time we chased them away they came back with more cronies until we were forced to skull our bubbles, pack up and retreat to the safety of the glass houses.
Moral of the story: Do not underestimate the wilyness of a few ducklings when they are hungry.
What's not to like about birds? Fantails, kereru, tui, bellbirds, korearea, stitchbirds... wonderful. Pheasants, magpies, song thrushes... excellent. I'd probably even be impressed by gulls pigeons and sparrows if they weren't so common. I just wish someone would clone a moa and reintroduce them in NZ. And the Huia... so close... another few years and we might have saved them.
I'm from the Hutt so will skip your first question, thank you...
I don't mind pigeons at all, which is just as well working in Wellington as they are everywhere. I saw one get hit by a car in the CBD and took it home to rest (and it died a few days later in my arms poor thing). I didn't get any diseases though...
Overall though, I am not a bird fan. I hate getting woken up by the buggers! My father had a cockatiel which was so damn loud and I was rather glad the day it escaped...
Birds are great.
Especially with roast potato and kumera.
I like birds and do all I can to encourage them on to our section. They're very cute and they're good for the garden. So far we have all the usuals - waxeyes, finches, sparrows, blackbirds, starlings, and the other day we even had two wood pigeons which was pretty awesome. Oh, and sometimes we have some rosellas (sp?).
I've been a vegetarian for 12 years, and I would happily eat my sister's rooster. Innocuously named 'Tweety,' that mofo has raked his claws on most of my family. I have vivid memories of my sister running towards the house, screaming as she is chased by a tiny but devilish bantam. Birds = evil.
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Yes Moata, pigeons are rats with wings.. filthy diseased rats at that. I'm not keen on birds either.. they smell, they never shut up and are not what one would call cute. I mean how often do you go aww look at that cute bird.. unless of course it is a baby duck or chicken.. they hardly count though.
Pigeons remind me of Uni.. having to train the little buggers to do things with food.. fattest pigeons you've ever seen .. it also reminds me of them landing on and crawling all over the tables in the cafeteria.. or if you turned your back for a minute they would attack your lunch right behind you.. nothing worse than turning around after saying something to a friend to find a pigeon with its head in your butter chicken.. yuck.