What's wrong with boobs on beaches?

Toplessness on beaches.  This topic, which has recently been brought to the fore by a piece on Campbell Live, makes me furious.  Not because I am opposed to breasts being flaunted in the fresh air but because the Christchurch weather of late is simply not providing anyone with the opportunity for flesh-baring of any kind.  I feel like I'm being risque by going out without a cardigan on, much less being al fresco with only a pathetic layer of skin to protect me. I'll tell you what, it's really dissing my gruntle.

But weather-moaning aside (national pastime though it is), I never cease to be amazed by the knee-jerk reaction that people have to the very idea, never mind the reality, of breasts being in plain view.  It's as if the very presence of mammaries might lead to some great cataclysm or breakdown of the social fabric.  Fabric that could be well put to use in a nice high-neck blouse.  What if young children see boobs?  How might this warp their tiny, impressionable, prone-to-prurience minds? Well, it wouldn't but that never seems to come up in these conversations, does it?

My own view is that if you want to sunbathe topless, as the woman interviewed by Campbell Live does, then I'm not much concerned.  Yes, I'd probably do a bit of a double-take if I saw you but that's as much of a reaction as not having a top on warrants in that context.  I've done it myself and it's quite nice.  Having been on beaches in Europe where entire families from the smallest toddler to the most unfortunately wizened grandma were sans top, I can attest that no one was driven to distraction by the sight.  People did not run around looting, worshipping the devil, or dry-humping power-poles as a result (the people who did these things were doing so because they were British...on holiday...in Spain).  Don't blame the breasts.  It wasn't their fault.

But before I whip off my top and declare myself empowered by my own womanhood and race down to the beach to enjoy a pleasant bout of hypothermia...I should probably mention that I have no intention of going topless myself, not around here anyway.  Because the fact of the matter is that while dispensing with your bikini top is par for the course in much of Europe and it's all very normal and no one, and I mean no one, not even pubescent boys, gawps at a bare pair of knockers at the beach, New Zealand is nowhere near being that laid back and sophisticated no matter how much we might bang on about pinot noir-this and supercity-that.  Essentially we are a nation of uptight, sexually repressed accountants who know deep down that boobs are "naughty".

"That well may be," I hear you cry "but what about Boobs on Bikes, then? Surely people were staring and gawping there. In favour of that too, are you?"  I'm not, as it happens, but not on grounds of morality or even legality.  I don't like Boobs on Bikes not because I think it's wrong but because I think it's tacky.  The owners of the boobs wearing chaps are tacky, the teenage boys dribbling with their mobile phones out are tacky.  To paraphrase Daphne and Celeste, TA C K Y. You ain't go no alibi. You tacky. Hey, hey. You tacky. Although obscenity and tastelessness may often walk hand in hand, I happen to think they're quite different. Boobs on Bikes is guilty of the latter but not necessarily the former.

The reason that I'm not keen on going topless at the beach myself is that as pleasant as that would be, no one wants to be the only one with their head above the parapet or in this case their boobs above the balconet.  And I have no faith that the general population has the maturity to not freak out about it.  When it comes to boobs on beaches I guess the strength of my convictions might not be as strong as the need to conform (or stay sheltered from an easterly).

Now, I am quite sure that I'm not the only person who has an opinion on this subject so I encourage you to lay bare your thoughts, if not your chests.  If the notion of free-range breasticles bothers you, can you explain why? Are we, as a nation, hopelessly screwed up when it comes to our bodies?  If everyone else was doing it too, would you get yours out?

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Picture: Fairfax