What the flock?
Well it's been a big week and we've discussed some pretty important topics. We've covered red carpet events, door-to-door salespeople, and unclothed mammaries. The debate has ranged far and wide and in some arenas has been quite impassioned. So how to round off this week? I think we could all use a break. Since it's Friday, let's talk about something frivolous and filled with whimsy. Let's talk about religion.
No, wait. Don't go running off to see what Schulz's best links of the week are. Religion doesn't have to be divisive and scary. It can bring us together...but only if we all decide to belong to the same one. That is the really, really crucial part. Remember back in ye olden times when there were only two TV channels and so you knew that every kid in school would have watched Spot On that week (because there was nothing else on and Playstations hadn't been invented yet) and you could rehash your favourite bit of the show in the playground with a friend while hanging upside down on the jungleg-gym? That's a shared cultural experience, folks, and apparently religion can have the same effect. I know, religion joining people together with as much efficacy as television! It sounds ridiculous, I know, but I've got it on good authority that it can happen.
So where has all this interest in religion come from? Well, for reasons even I can't fathom, last night as I was dishing up some icecream for dessert (I had a salad for dinner so I'm allowed) my mind wandered to "Bishop" Brian Tamaki, and I thought "well if he can make himself the head of a church, why can't I?" And of course the answer to that question is... that I can.
But of course, you've gotta have a flock first before you can be the head of anything and for that you have to have a religion. Now, breaking into an established religion would way too much like hard work so I think the best way to go is to invent my own. It worked out pretty successfully for L. Ron Hubbard. Why bother with those imperfect existing dogmas when I could create an improved moral code myself? I'm talking about the spiritual Esperanto here.
Now, admittedly I don't have very much experience with religion, organised or otherwise, so inventing one could prove tricky and unlike old father Hubbard I don't have a career in science fiction writing to use as source material. I did once claim that my religion was "Jedi" on a census form, purely on the basis that I'd tried doing the Jedi mind trick at least as many times as I'd tried praying (so it seemed reasonable enough to claim that as an afflilation). But of course that was before the prequels...
So, my potential flock, if I started a religion with myself as the head, what kinds of things would you want it to have? I'm really looking to start a "populist" religion here. Something with a vanilla-flavoured, non-offensive "boy band" kind of feel, yeah? Personally, I'd like to include a regular "consumer confessional" where people get to atone for buying clothes and accessories that they don't really need and/or are not flattering. I'd also like for our hymns to be written by Dave Dobbyn (because everything he writes is automatically, like, iconic?) But as I said, I really don't have enough experience with this topic to know whether these might be hallmarks of a form of worship that has spiritual stickability. Advice please?
Oh, and several people have expressed concern (yes, actual mild worry) that Blog Idol 2 means that Blog Idol 1 (i.e. me) is on the way out. Not so, my children. In much the same way that Kelly Clarkson didn't cease to exist when Ruben Studdard (dawg!) came along, more than one blog competition winner can inhabit the same internet (we just can't ever be in the same room together, is all).
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You know Moata, I don't think that going the vanilla religion route is really going to work that well. I mean if you're going to use examples like Scientology and Bishop Brian (or any other evangelist) then I think you need to go for something zany and sensationalist instead, something that will get you attention and is different from all the other middle of the road religions because lets face it noone cares about Anglicans, Presbytarians, Baptists and Catholics (except when priests do naughty things).
Consumer Confessional works though, you need to rework it for Capitalism and the 21st century. We should head on thursdays to shoe mecca (no1 shoe warehouse) and praise the humble platform next to an image of our leader Queen Moata. We should have pledge groups that we the people will reserve our cheese toastie maker buying experience until marriage to another toastie connoiseur.
I also think the blatant rip off of already established practices but changed slightly.
If there really is a God, why did (s)he make me an aetheist?
I was with you right up until you used the word iconic. While it could be argud that it has some vague relevance in a blog on religion, it is the most overused word in NZ and I effing hate it. So I was going to offer you entry into Antipentecostal Church of Dereliction, in which I hold reasonably high office (our Pope is a heavy-drinking cheesemaker - and blessed are the cheesemakers). But I shall have to reconsider after your most grievous error. Tui culpa, tui culpa, tui maxima culpa...
regular pub crawls to spread the word and copious amounts of group loving would be a good start ;)
Why not go the ancient route and take chocolate as a sacrament, I think it used to be mixed with human blood for religous ceremonies but I'm sure mixing it with roasted almonds has some spiritual significance (the seeds of new life maybe).
Think how popular you'd be if you told people that religion demanded they gorge on chocolate?
Sign me up Bishop Moata. Or perhaps Pope? Archbishop even - that's got a nice ring to it.
The thing about religion is that you have to find a way of getting us all to think we're in on something great that no-one else has. And i think reading your blog religiously counts :)
As long as this religion involves daily blogs from you for the amusement of your flock, I'm in
OMG! You do realise that once I start writing on this subject, I may not be able to stop! Be warned! I have seriously considered starting my own religion at times, mainly for the tithing, and great tax benefits, rather than any actual "belief" in a deity of any kind. I also watched with interest the guy on the news the other night who has started his own "Atheist" church type group, who meet on sundays, and discuss the absense of a God. This did seem a little pointless to me, and slightly hypocritical too. But, as we are discussing your religion Moata, we can start with a clean slate. If we take it as given that you are the head of this church e.g. Bishop, Minister, President, then I would like to put myself forward as the actual deity, or "God" for want of a better word. I am perfect for the role. I am unseen by your readers, and no one knows who I am. The one advantage I do have, is there is proof that I actually do exist. I can easily condense the 10 commandments down to 3 good commandments, with another 2 just needing a little updating. I would also add some fairly useful ones e.g. Do not eat Silica Gel, Do not go swimming after eating etc. So....please keep me in mind for the role. As for the service itself, I would love to hear a roomful of people belting out "Loyal", "Welcome Home", as well as Oasis's "Let The Be Love", "Wonderwall", and of course, as a homage to myself, "D'ya Know What I Mean". Check out the lyrics online!
I have started a new religion-and its head is the Car Parking Genie-he/she (I haven't determined the gender yet) sits on my shoulder and whenever I want a park-voila-one is there. My wife can attest to this-it is real. Now all I want to find is a me specific Lotto Genie-they are quite hard to find.
P.S. I am going to enter Blog Idol 2. You have all been warned! I will have to keep my writing to a less offensive level though.....at least until I have won....mwahahahaha
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Being a religious leader is a nice indoor job that doesn't involve heavy lifting.
On the negative side, you might get nailed to a tree.
Sacramental cheesecake?
A wedding vow along the lines of "with this Chocolate I do cellulite"
Oh the fun that could be had. Especially if you did a donation regime like that school that keeps hitting the headlines. You know, the "donate or else" school.