You must have been an average baby

I don't have a baby.  The reason that I'm declaring this up front is that it is understood that if you are going to critique people who do in some aspect of their parenting, then as a childless person you have to disclose that you're one of those vile "I don't have as much experience as you, but by God I've got an opinion and I'm about to share it with you, you lucky devil" people. 

So what perceived shortfall in modern parenting am I going to weigh in on?  Can you guess?  Is it bedtimes?  Is it birthday party oneupmanship?  Is it those nasty blankies that some kids drag around with them?  No, it's much more important than that.  It's about accessories.

Accessories are pretty important to me. Though they may be small, they're significant.  In much the same way that all the insects (horrible, bitey things) on planet Earth would vastly outweigh all the humans despite the difference in size, I'm pretty sure that all my shoes, bags and assorted embellishments would outweigh all the rest of my possessions (including a lounge suite and fridge-freezer).  Of course there's no practical way of testing this hypothesis so why don't we just assume that I'm right (you probably always should, anyway).

But do you know who don't need accessories?  Babies.  Babies are, almost by definition, cute.  Yes, you might occasionally come across a homely one but on the whole babies are stupidly attractive.  Put me in a room with one and just watch me turn into a gooey, squishy mess with the vocabulary and intellect of someone with a sub-normal IQ.  Babies have big "fall in love with me" eyes and soft, youthful skin.  They have pert button noses and rosebud mouths.  Putting accessories on a baby is rather gilding the lily, I think.

Which is why I have always scoffed at the elastic hairbands that some people strap on to their babies' heads.  I have especial hatred for the ones that feature a little lacey rosette.  For the record, I have no issue with hats or bonnets, but hairbands for people who don't as yet have any hair is as close to parental lunacy as one can get without CYPFS getting involved.  Yeah, you heard me, putting a naff frou-frou band on to a head that's probably pretty damn gorgeous to start with doesn't make them look cuter, it actually detracts from the natural beauty of the child in question.

Which is why the makers of Baby Bangs are now on my "list of people I'd like to be hit by a meteorite".  This takes the already pretty heinous hairband for babies...and adds the hair.  Basically it's a decorative toupee for infants (oh, how I dearly wish I'd never had the need to write that particular sentence).  It's really hard for me to express how tremendously wrong this is.  I thought the high heels for babies were bad (and they are) but wigs now?  What next, fake boobs?  Press-on nails?  Dentures for that combination of dazzling grown-up smile and cherubic cheeks?

My thinking is if you feel so compelled to tart your baby up it must be because you think it's not cute enough, which is weird because I thought everybody automatically found their babies cute regardless of whether they were or not.  Look, a baby is a very, very young human.  Eventually, if they're lucky, they'll be old but why so much of a hurry to make them into little adults?

So what are your thoughts on headbands, hairpieces and heels for the toddling set?  Just a bit of decorative fun or more than a little disturbing?

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