Got sleep?
So in case anyone was wondering, yes, this will be another earthquake-related post. Pretty much because everything about my life, and the lives of everyone who lives in the area, is now "earthquake related", from how you brush your teeth in the morning (with water out of an old juice bottle poured into a Luke Skywalker tumbler) to how much sleep you get, to where you can buy eggs from. Every boring, mundane aspect of our lives is now affected by the shaking of the earth.
Not the least of these is sleep.
I've never had any kids but I've always suspected that the whole "waking up every two hours for feedings" deal that new parents have to navigate might potentially send me loopy. And my recent lack of sleep kind of has, but the sleep deprivation is only part of the issue. In fact, with only 5 or so hours on board today, I feel more or less fine because after nearly a week of broken sleep my body is now conditioned (and by "conditioned" I do not mean in a "sleek and high performancey" way) to believe that five hours' sleep is a bit of a luxury. And I do sometimes go through periods of sleeplessness, so being in a tired running-on-eighty-percent-capacity state is not unknown to me.
But then you've got two other aspects of the potent cocktail of psychological torture that we're currently partaking of - adrenalin and unpredictability.
When you're awoken from sleep in the middle of the night (or any time, really) by a fairly hefty shock, your body becomes flooded with adrenalin. Your heart-rate increases. Your breathing becomes fast and shallow. Your senses are heightened and you're watchful for danger. And then after about five seconds of shaking, you've got nowhere to put all that nervous energy. Certainly sleep isn't an option until you've wound down again and managed to uncoil that rattlesnake from around your guts, which in extreme cases can take a couple of hours...by which time, if you're unlucky, there'll be another aftershock...
But for me, the most disturbing aspect of this experience from the point of view of my own mental health is the way in which human beings deal with unpredictability. We don't much like it, as a rule. Whether you're aware of it or not, you seek out order and pattern. You want things to make sense. Look at an electrical socket for a three-pronged plug. Do you see three slits, or do you see a face? See? Pattern. Order. Sense. Human beings crave these things. I firmly believe, and you're welcome to disagree with me if you like, that all religions everywhere have this underlying human need as their foundation.
But you know what doesn't have much pattern, order, or sense (at least as far as any can be apprehended by the average person)? You gotcha. Earthquakes (and the aftershocks thereof). You don't know what time of day they're going to turn up. You don't know how strong they'll be when they do and how much damage they will cause. You don't even know how long they'll be continuing to make an appearance for. On the whole, you don't know much of anything about the one thing that is informing the big decisions about what goes on in your life. And it makes you do loopy things.
On Monday I couldn't find Chewbacca, my unlikely earthquake good luck charm. I looked all over the house for him. I searched the same bag five times looking for him. I became almost frantic...over an action figure...because I thought that I needed it. I might not be "safe" without him. And then I realised what I was doing and gave myself a good talking to and the more rational Moata came back. But I really did scare myself with the ease with which I slid into fear and superstition.
On a similar but slightly less maniacal tack, I've taken to carrying at least one torch, sometimes more, with me. Even during the daytime. It makes me feel safer to have one with me. I tell myself that it's in case I become trapped in a collapsed building as that would be dark even in the daytime but in a very real way the torches are a totem just like my Chewie. They just make me feel better. In another example of the now morbid nature of the contents of my handbag, I'm also carrying my passport around with me so it'll be easier for someone to identify my body (or for me to skip the country with George Clooney, whichever is required).
So how are you coping with the drawn out psychological torture? Have you ever been in a situation where you became superstitious almost overnight? Did you make it back to the land of the rational? Oh, and if you see a 1970s Kenner Wookiee out and about, could you send him home please, my handbag misses him.
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apart from being a little dazed and confused, im almost taking the aftershocks in my stride and subconsciously expecting them at irregular intervals by placing coffees away from the edge of the bench and lying things on their side (which really annoys earthquakes because they enjoy knocking innocent, harmless objects over, so i take all their fun away).
im amazed you can still spit out such witty outpourings m, despite losing chewie and being sleep-deprived. legendary my friend!
Getting frantic over a missing wookie, or carrying torches during the day time makes perfect sense from at least one perspective - it represents a form of control in a situation that's beyond our control - if that makes sense. Human's generally seem to desire control as much as they seek patterns.
Incidentally, Moata, if you don't mind me asking, are you the same Moata that the New Zealand Herald quoted in their article regarding yesterdays big aftershocks as stating she had "just moved the booze to within reach of the doorframe. Priorities."
As far as my account goes though, I'm in Dunedin, I sat bolt upright in bed, noticed the bedroom light swinging from side to side and said to my wife "What the **** was that?" And she replied "Earthquake." At which point I grunted, rolled over, and went back to sleep expecting to wakeup again in a few hours, check my email and find a notification from GNS that there had been another 5-pointer a few km's off the shore. Aside from that I'm sure I've felt a couple of the after shocks here.
Best thoughts and wishes though, I'm not sure I'd care to imagine what it's like (waiting for life changing news can be bad enough).
I had an update from a mate down there and she was saying how strange it is that each day when you leave the house you dicuss where your emergency meet up point is.
You just dont think about the finer details of lack of sleep, meet up points etc when your sitting at your desk in Auckland.
I'd find lack of sleep and constant worry very hard to cope with.
I am loving your blogs Moata. Always did, but as a fellow Christchurch resident, these last few have brought normality and humour into a situation that has too little of both.
Yup, the aftershocks are a serious setback to psychological recovery, in my opinion, and yesterday morning's in particular set a lot of people back a long way, myself included. Keep an eye out for NZ Psych society press release on coping by the way.
My own irrational move? I bought a set of 12 AA batteries yesterday. I don't have anything to put them in. I do not own a battery powered radio (other than the one in the car). In my defense, I intend to, because sitting the car to get updates is really quite restrictive, but you'd think I'd buy the radio first and then the batteries? I also bought more bottled water, even though we still had loads left over (including a vat that I had all boiled and ready to use). I'd like to think that these things don't count as "panic buying", but "acute stress buying" sounds pretty accurate.
I think living closer to the epicentre makes me awaken a lot, maybe more than those in town (sorry, I am not going off on one of those "well, I have it worse than you" type of spiels that are starting to pop up), so I am tired all the time, like most of us, and am still a little on edge. I find it strange that each night I leave town (not CBD though) and drive back out to where the epicentres are to spend the night. But what else can I do? It is my home. I am supposed to be flying to Australia tomorrow on holiday, and while part of me is thankful that I will get a break from it all, I also feel a bit guilty about leaving everyone else to carry on with the ordeal. I may be able to sleep finally, but I will still be worried about what is happening back here, and hope my friends and family are coping. But hey, at least I can shower now. I am sure those having to spend time with me are very grateful for that!
I'm with you on the IDing the body thing - my handbag & wallet now live right next to my bed at night, and I've taken to keeping my bag with me in the living room in the evening as well. I'm fanatical about having my work ID card with me on the drive to & from work, and anytime I get up from my desk. My passport wouldn't help for skipping the country - it's expired.
I've worn a ring every day since - it gives me something to fidget with. I'm constantly eating & drinking, to try to give myself an energy boost that the poor sleep isn't providing (I'm getting about 7-8 hours a night, but not very good quality, so I'm buggered by about 11am).
I'll keep an eye out for the Wookiee, but I warn you, I can't find my keys on the best of days, so there's not much hope.
I still think going for a run is helpful (not past the collapsing buildings of course). I know it is not assisting the clean up in our small town but it stops me from losing it completely and definitely uses up adrenalin.
I'm usually pretty calm during thunder storms and such like but earthquakes freak me out, I'm so glad I live in Wellington (bit ironic seeing as we're on the equator) and didn't have to go through what you guys did. Think your wookie might be a good luck charm at one of your friends houses that you went visiting the other day??
I always have a torch in my handbag. sooo handy. the thought did cross my mind this week that if I found myself in a situation like chch that I'd be woefully unprepared barring one thing: I'd at least know exactly where to find a torch.
Moata, maybe you need to take up smoking pot...not enough to get super paranoid but enough so that it disperses the nervous energy of being jolted awake at night, enabling you to nod off?
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i'm kind of getting used to broken and significantly less sleep. A week ago I would not settle for anything less than a solid 7 hours, at least, but now I go to bed thinking "I wonder how long until the next one hits?" and "How big will the next one be?" I am completely over these aftershocks and cannot wait for them to be over so things can go back to normal. Also, I have found that I rarely notice anything less than a 4 anymore. A week ago and earthquake of 3.8 would have had me freaking out but now I just don't care.