The Hair-vengers

00:13, May 02 2012

There comes a time in every person's life when they must ask themselves the hard questions. What do I want from life? Am I heading in the right direction? If I could only listen to the music of bands that have all five vowels in their name how long a list would that be?*

And yet even more important that any of these must be "Why would an awesome movie like The Avengers have so much bad hair in it?"

Naturally, this question is spurred by my seeing said movie in the last week and enjoying it very much and coming out of the movie theatre with a blazing aura caused by the Joss Whedon fangirl reactor in the core of my being going into meltdown.

So there's that.

But I have to admit, that I was a little distracted by the bad hair. So who are the worst offenders in this merry band of superheroes and what else do they have to offer? (Don't worry there aren't any spoilers)

Ironman - Rich, smart, witty, and very nearly a human robot. He certainly gets all the best lines in the movie. On the downside he's hugely arrogant and has what I think of as a "douchebag beard". Aggressively geometric and overgroomed, it prompted me to ask myself "is that an isosceles or scalene sideburn?". This is not the sort of question I wish to be pondering in this sort of movie.


Hawkeye - We don't really get to find out very much about Hawkeye. He shoots things with arrows and has puppy-dog eyes. I mean, I'm sure that's very nice for him but it's not overly exciting for the rest of us. His hair is largely inoffensive. Are his lack of character involvement and lack of emphatic haircut coincidental?

Captain America - He has easily the worst outfit of all of them (if you're going to dress like a flag vomited on you it should really be for a special your wedding). He also has an awesome shield and an inability to understand pop culture references because he's from the forties. Also has the worst hair of the entire group by quite a long stretch...because he's from the forties.

Black Widow - In movies like this "The Chick" is usually pretty kick ass right up until she's suddenly not and then has to be rescued by the guy who she's romantically interested in. Thank you, Joss Whedon, for not doing that to us for the millionth time in cinematic history.

Black Widow is far less annoying in this film than I thought she'd be and is pretty awesomely fighty. Not to mention being quite tricky. Unfortunately she also has super-fake looking red hair. It's like they left her head out in the rain to rust or something. Honestly, they spend millions and millions of dollars on movies but they never can do a convincing ginger dye job on anyone, ever (Exhibit A - Kirsten Dunst in Spiderman. Exhibit B - Kate Winslet in Titanic). They need to call whoever did Gillian Anderson's hair in The X-Files and get them on the case.

The Hulk - When he's not hulking-out Dr Bruce Banner is the most cerebral of The Avengers. Tortured, moody and prone to smashing up the place is fine if you're Pete Doherty but not so good if you're a research scientist. Also, the question of his Magically Giant Pants is never really dealt with. Does anybody else feel that he should, by rights, be walking around in ultra-stretchy sweatpants? You know, just in case? Also his hair is almost as dorky as Captain America's. A side part is not your friend, fellas.

Thor - He's a demi-god with family issues who's bad-ass enough to headbutt someone wearing a helmet. Also, he has the best hair by far which is why I felt the need for a little Thor "pose down" in the movie theatre last week. Sadly when I looked at the photo later I realised my own crowning glory didn't compare favourably so I drew "Thor-hair" over it.

Feeling ambitious I added Thor's hammer as well which prompted the following conversation:

Silver Fox: Why are you drawing a letterbox? Shouldn't you put a little flag on it?

Me: It's not a letterbox. It's Thor's hammer.

Silver Fox: Thor is gonna be pretty mad when he realises you've stolen his letterbox.


I think all that time spent doodling princesses in my youth has stood me in good stead in terms of hair drawing but not so much with regards to ancient weapons of the gods. That thing DOES look like a letterbox.

So consider yourself all up to speed on the Hair-vengers. It really is a very enjoyable movie, if you can get past the bad dos. And I haven't even mentioned the mad ski-jump flickiness of Loki's mane. There's a lot going on in the hair department. I'm sure Samuel L Jackson is thanking his lucky stars he's bald.

Has anyone see The Avengers and what did you think of it? Were you similarly distracted by the hair? Any other suggestions for our 5-vowel-band-playlist?

*An actual brain teaser that the Silver Fox and I puzzled over last night. So far our imaginary vowel-dependent playlist includes Tenacious D, Mahavishnu Orchestra, Fine Young Cannibals, and ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead. What a wild party that would be, huh?

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