This Moata's voice

23:32, May 03 2012

Last night from the kitchen, the Silver Fox called "what did you say?". I hadn't said anything. I hadn't so much as coughed. The TV wasn't on and I hadn't even shifted in my seat. The only sound in the immediate area had been that of the plastic supermarket bags that were crinkling madly in that special way that they do as the SF was putting away some shopping.

Naturally my response was "I said crinkle, crinkle, crinkle because I am a plastic bag ventriloquist and I was throwing my voice".

Are we to take from this exchange that my voice sounds like cheap, rustling plastic?

And again this morning, when I did up my backpack in preparation for leaving the house, the Silver Fox said "hmmm?" in response. So now I also sound like a zipper being done up.

Now there could be a couple of things going on here. One assumption we could make is that the Silver Fox interprets any sound that he's not directly responsible for as coming from me and errs on the side of "intelligible communication" because almost all of the sounds that I make are attempts at language*.

Or this could suggest that the Silver Fox needs to get his hearing checked.

Advertisement

Or it could be that my voice is an aural chameleon, often imbued with the sounds and character of the mundane and domestic. I couldn't rightly tell you as I hear my voice from inside my own head and to me it just sounds like thinking.

But having recently had my voice mistaken for a zip and a plastic bag I have compiled a list of things I hope it really doesn't resemble:

  *the clanging chimes of doom
  *a harmonica
  *cats fighting
  *the theme song to Two and a Half Men
  *that booming noise in Inception
  *a squeaky stroller
  *that noise the pipes make when we turn the garden hose on
  *the vocal stylings of Wing
  *anyone off The GC

Over the years I've got better about hearing my own voice when recorded. I used to cringe horribly but now I only cringe a little bit. For the most part I think my "telephone voice" is passably presentable but I can't be sure that my normal, unselfconscious voice is very pleasing. I have very "Kiwi" vowels on the whole as well as a few vocal hangovers from my time in the UK such as a habit of dropping the "g" off the end of certain words and substituting a glottal stop for a "t" in words like "getting". I'm not exactly ashamed of these features of my spoken output, it's more that they don't necessarily convey an air of intellectualism and sophistication. Not that much else about me does either but you have to aspire to something, don't you?

In terms of other people's voices I have always favoured the husky or gravelling sounding ones. I love Demi Moore's voice and Tom Hardy's sounds fantastically roughed up. The only time I ever approach sounding like that is when I have a cold or have had several whiskies**. Which is another good reason to have a dram (should need another reason).

What sort of voices appeal to you? How would you rate your own given that almost everybody hates how they sound when recorded? Is it normal to sound like a plastic bag? Your answers required below.

*There being notable exceptions especially after drinking carbonated beverages

**Does this spelling make it seem like I've been eating cat biscuits? Because that's not what I meant.

» Follow me on Facebook and Twitter.