Louis Crimp. Of all the public statements that Mr Crimp has made, there's one in particular that really rattles my cage. Which is saying a lot because there have been quite a few "interesting" comments made, some of which might involve sex acts in wooded areas.
But, inappropriate "creepy uncle" questioning of female reporters aside, the real issue here is the one where Crimp goes after those at the bottom of the heap. Those that were once the kings and queens of their own domain but now are treated with contempt.
I am of course speaking of the newspapers.
In April 2010, Louis Crimp wrote a letter to the Southland Times* in which he objected to a Māori word being used in the crossword (he only got the paper for the crossword, he said) and, not wanting to purchase a Māori Dictionary to complete said crossword, his inclination was to cancel his subscription to the paper instead.
But as we all know, newspaper readership internationally has been declining steadily over the years. According to some US statistics, newspaper advertising revenue is at the same level as it was in 1950s. The Southland Times probably had to downgrade from Tim Tams to Superwines in the team room biscuit tin because of this.
So Crimp's feedback, even though he may by his actions have condemned southern reporters to inferior morning tea treats, is actually very valuable. I'm sure there's not a paper in the land that can afford to lose even one paid-up subscriber these days without there being drastic effects. Heck, we may find a situation in the not too distant future where there are NO biscuits and I'm sure no one wants that.
If the regular income of an ongoing subscription could be lost over something as seemingly inoffensive as a Māori term being used in the crossword, then what other heinous crimes might papers be committing on a daily basis that are causing this haemorrhage of readership?
Well, I have to be honest - I don't have a newspaper subscription. But if I did have one, these are the things that would definitely make me cancel it. I hope all the Editors in Chief of the nation read this because this list might just end up saving their bacon:
Things that I would cancel a newspaper subscription over
Fashion editorials that encourage the public wearing of Crocs, flannelette pyjamas, Ugg boots, mankinis, tights as pants, leggings decorated with penises.
Papyrus used for headlines, Comic Sans for body text.
Printing the newspaper on sandpaper rather than newsprint.
All articles are published in txt speak.
Naked photos of Don Brash are published without any modesty-protecting "blurs". Mind you, I'd probably be blind at that point having gouged out my own eyeballs with hot teaspoons so I daresay I won't be reading much of anything in any format other than Braille.
Replacing all tittles over lowercase i's and j's with lovehearts.
In all instances where John Key is mentioned, a small line drawing of a donkey is used instead of his actual name.
It is revealed that the Editor in Chief is actually a meerkat.
The paper consistently fails to publish winning Lotto numbers until after they've been drawn.
The masthead is redesigned and becomes a picture of the Kardashian sisters reclining on a pile of money.
All photographs of people, whether they be local business people, children or politicians, are posed doing "duckface".
Photographs of sweaty sportsmen are "scratch and sniff".
Completely made up words are used in the crossword.
So, that's my list. I don't know if any of these resonate with you? I mean, I think these are all at least as bad as having some te reo in your crossword but then, it seems that people can be turned off by the most bizarre things so my frame of reference might be a bit skewed here. And hey, it's not like I haven't got a bee in my bonnet about things before. I once chopped up my Subway card over something that probably not that many people were bothered about.
But let's give the newspapers a helping hand and show Mr Crimp that yep, there ARE some things worth cancelling your subscription over, goshdarnit. Your additions to this list are warmly welcomed**.
*Hat tip to @Toby_etc for digging up the letter
** As long as they're not in Comic Sans
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When the Waikato Times changed from an afternoon to a morning paper. I read the paper after work with a coffee. This now means the 'news stories' are nearly 24hours old, and I have read most of them online, and they have usually been well updated by then. I only read the articles and other non news items these days. Tried to change my sub to a Saturday only delivery, but they dont do that yet.
Moata I completely agree with the Papyrus thing!!! There is a certain unnamed designer store on Wellington's Willis Street that I refuse to enter because their store is emblazoned with a papyrus or papyrus-resembling title. Yuck.
I think you're missing the real problem here, which is the idea that Superwines are inferior to Tim-Tams!
I argue that they are equal!
Sure, Tim-Tams are covered in chocolate and have icing in the middle, but Superwines can be dunked in your tea!
Maybe Tim-Tams can be briefly dunked to wet them, but not in the way a Superwine can. Plus, a Superwine tastes better with a Cup 'o Tea (TM) than a Tim-Tam does.
Face it, Tim-Tams are less a biscuit than they are a candy bar.
I say more respect is needed for the humble Superwine, and its cousins the Krispie, the Gingernut, the Arrowroot, and the Malt!
Also, Tim-Tams are australian. That's right - by eating Tim-Tams you are supporting The GC!
I find it kind of adorable that you think a Fairfax publication can afford to have a biscuit tin in the tea room.
I would cancel my (non existent) newspaper subscription if they suddenly started putting pop-ups in the middle of the pages, like those incredibly annoying birthday cards that fart when you open them
@Niri Tacen #4
I must respectfully disagree as I am not a fan of tea, but am fond of hot chocolate...which brings with it the option of the "Tim Tam Slam". This most delectable approach to Tim Tam consumption involves biting off each end of the Tim Tam to expose the chocolate center, then dipping one end of the Tim Tam in the hot chocolate. The chocolate center will melt allowing you to suck up both the gooey center goodness and hot chocolate through the Tim Tam like a straw.
"In all instances where John Key is mentioned, a small line drawing of a donkey is used instead of his actual name".
I'm struggling to understand why you included this one in your list, surely if a paper started doing this you would actually subscribe to it, rather than the reverse? Perhaps you meant to say:
"In all instances where John Key is mentioned, a small line drawing of a donkey is NOT used instead of his actual name"?
I agree with Niri Tacen #4 - Superwines are the equal of Tims Tams. But...put some butter between two of them, and suddenly you have something that a Tim Tam could never possibly hope to come close to!
"Fashion editorials that encourage the public wearing of Crocs, flannelette pyjamas, Ugg boots, mankinis, tights as pants, leggings decorated with penises."
Actually, I struggle to think of any fashion trend that any of the papers encourage that isn't that bad anyway, so...
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