Truly, truly, truly outrageous

Last updated 12:36 26/07/2012

Last night, I was having a few chats on Twitter (I know people like to bag Twitter as being vacuous, but if that's the case, why are there so many intelligent people on there saying such interesting things?) and I made the observation that there were two topics about which I can blog that are guaranteed to result in comments that are more akin to those you'd find on talkback radio than the usual kind. 

Those two topics are race relations in New Zealand and anything that sounds at all like I'm being pro-cyclist. Honestly, there are times when you can almost smell the bilious seething resentment as it bubbles up out of the comments box.

This led me to wonder what would be the ultimate spittle-flecked topic that would cause the greatest outrage? The perfect poop-storm, if you will.

So here goes.

So I'm going to get pregnant and then cheat on the Silver Fox so that he will leave me and then I can go on The Benefit because I am very lazy and don't like working for a living and would rather steal food from the mouths of middle-class New Zealand families than stay in a loving non-abusive relationship. That's sort of stage one.

Then, once I have the child I will call it either Sperm (if it's a boy) or Vajayjay (if it's a girl). I will alternate between breastfeeding it in public and bottlefeeding it in public. I have no idea which of these is actually more offensive so will have to do both. I think breastfeeding in restaurants and pubs and bottlefeeding at playgrounds might be the way to go.

I will then strap the baby to my back and cycle along highly congested roads (not because these are main thoroughfares, mind, but just so I can annoy as many people as possible with my existence) while singing Te Reo Māori versions of songs by Nickelback and The Feelers and wearing a Tinorangatiratanga flag like a cape.

I will harangue perfect strangers with a prepared speech on "Why Rugby is not as good as the kind of Football you play with your actual feet". At the mall I will jump queues and spread out picnic lunches in disabled carparks.

I'm going to be pretty busy. And I expect I'll take a bit of "flak".

Look, I know people get het up about things. Lordy, I am probably more het up than most on any given day. I just wonder at some of the topics that seem to be flashpoints for antagonism. Are these the things as a society that divide us? Are these the things that ultimately define us? How outraged would you be by the above?

NB - Apologies to the Jem and the Holograms fans among you who probably thought this post would be about something else. I imagine you are the most outraged of all.

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Me   #1   12:44 pm Jul 26 2012

I now have Jem and the Holograms theme song stuck in my head. thanks teehee :P

Lucky#13   #2   12:57 pm Jul 26 2012

Possibly the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time. However, if I may point out, you have made an error:

Your future child's name needs to not be spelt phonetically. Stick a slient Q or X in there somewhere please.

Lanthanide   #3   12:57 pm Jul 26 2012

You forgot about eventually discovering you're a lesbian and getting a gay marriage in the cardboard cathedral.

Alice   #4   12:58 pm Jul 26 2012

Brilliant Moata! I wish I lived in Chch so I could see it!

I_Not_Y   #5   01:03 pm Jul 26 2012

Not very.

You left out bare-knuckle boxing with a she-Ridge.

Donnelle   #6   01:04 pm Jul 26 2012

I love that I can pick your blogs just from the title.

Don't forget to schedule your c-section when you're three months pregnant. And feed your kid McDonalds.

Beebop   #7   01:09 pm Jul 26 2012

I did get Jem and th Holograms in my head until I read "while singing Te Reo Māori versions of songs by Nickelback" and I laughed so hard the earworm fell out.

You could do all the above and I'm pretty sure I'd still read this blog.

Drama Queen   #8   01:10 pm Jul 26 2012

Oh Moata you are really asking for trouble.... :oP

For the record Twitter is actually a really useful source of information not to mention jokes.

Its pretty sad some of the things we kiwis are "passionate" about and i guess in some instances its perfectly valid to get "het up" about various things. The DPB thing winds me up in the biggest way, but feel free to get your mammaries or bottle out in public and ride around on your bike with a illegitimate sprog on your back singing Te Reo Feelers till your little maori heart is content. Let me know where you will be doing that so I can come and watch and hand you a thirst quenching beer cause drinking and riding is nothng like drinking and driving and is completely ok ;o)

Also do you read every single comment on your blogs?

Qweenkaren   #9   01:10 pm Jul 26 2012

Not outraged, but definitely concerned about your child having a flag waved around it's head & worried said flag might get caught in your spokes or chain - I am trusting you will both be wearing helmets. Cyclists without helmets irk me, but I think this is due to the fine the copper gave me when I was on my 6:30am paper run.

Davo   #10   01:14 pm Jul 26 2012

While you are at it, why don't you walk through a shopping mall texting frantically, and not looking where you are going. Also, put some claims in for things your never actually had with the EQC. I know someone who nows owns their own home thanks to the money they got from "damaged contents". I can't even speak to her any more.

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