Truly, truly, truly outrageous

00:36, Jul 26 2012

Last night, I was having a few chats on Twitter (I know people like to bag Twitter as being vacuous, but if that's the case, why are there so many intelligent people on there saying such interesting things?) and I made the observation that there were two topics about which I can blog that are guaranteed to result in comments that are more akin to those you'd find on talkback radio than the usual kind. 

Those two topics are race relations in New Zealand and anything that sounds at all like I'm being pro-cyclist. Honestly, there are times when you can almost smell the bilious seething resentment as it bubbles up out of the comments box.

This led me to wonder what would be the ultimate spittle-flecked topic that would cause the greatest outrage? The perfect poop-storm, if you will.

So here goes.

So I'm going to get pregnant and then cheat on the Silver Fox so that he will leave me and then I can go on The Benefit because I am very lazy and don't like working for a living and would rather steal food from the mouths of middle-class New Zealand families than stay in a loving non-abusive relationship. That's sort of stage one.

Then, once I have the child I will call it either Sperm (if it's a boy) or Vajayjay (if it's a girl). I will alternate between breastfeeding it in public and bottlefeeding it in public. I have no idea which of these is actually more offensive so will have to do both. I think breastfeeding in restaurants and pubs and bottlefeeding at playgrounds might be the way to go.

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I will then strap the baby to my back and cycle along highly congested roads (not because these are main thoroughfares, mind, but just so I can annoy as many people as possible with my existence) while singing Te Reo Māori versions of songs by Nickelback and The Feelers and wearing a Tinorangatiratanga flag like a cape.

I will harangue perfect strangers with a prepared speech on "Why Rugby is not as good as the kind of Football you play with your actual feet". At the mall I will jump queues and spread out picnic lunches in disabled carparks.

I'm going to be pretty busy. And I expect I'll take a bit of "flak".

Look, I know people get het up about things. Lordy, I am probably more het up than most on any given day. I just wonder at some of the topics that seem to be flashpoints for antagonism. Are these the things as a society that divide us? Are these the things that ultimately define us? How outraged would you be by the above?

NB - Apologies to the Jem and the Holograms fans among you who probably thought this post would be about something else. I imagine you are the most outraged of all.

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