Cats - the conspiracy theory

Last updated 11:30 04/10/2012

Everywhere I look lately there are cats...and I think we all may have reason to fear them.

First there was the story of the kitten that went through the washing machine and lived. What this demonstrates is that cats are a lot harder to kill than most small furry animals. Heck, even my own cat went one round with a lawnmower and lived, so that's at least two examples of felines proving, if not indestructible, at least bloody difficult to kill. And have you ever seen a cat when the light hits the back of its eyes just so? Their eyes glow with unholy malevolence, like this, or this, or sometimes this. What I'm saying is...could cats have a hyperalloy combat chassis, microprocessor controlled, fully armoured and very tough but with living skin and fur on the outside? Since none of us speak "cat", can we be sure they don't all have Austrian accents? We know that dogs don't like them.

Could cats be Terminators?

Clearly Matthew Inman aka The Oatmeal is suspicious. He's just brought out a book entitled How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You.

Upon discovering this title the other day, I mentioned to my multiple-cat-owning colleague that if the furry little suckers ever develop opposable digits, we could all be in a lot of trouble. 

Imagine my horror when he pointed out that there are cats that already have this ability. Polydactyl cats, as they are known, have extra toes. Here's what Wikipedia says (text in brackets my own).

"...a common variation with six toes on the front paws, with two opposing digits on each (comparable in use to human thumbs), enables the cat to learn and perform feats of manual dexterity generally not observed in non-polydactyl cats, such as opening latches or catching objects with a single paw [or stabbing their owner with a shiv fashioned from an empty catfood tin]."

Are these mutants the first vanguard of the feline uprising? Could some cats be X-Men?

And finally, the last piece of damning evidence that means we should be on our guard comes from my very own neighbourhood. As regular readers will know, I live very near to where I lived pre 22 February, 2012. That house has stood empty since the day I cleared the last of my stuff out. Even the broken chimney bricks still lie where they fell (though they're now only faintly visible under a layer of grass and weeds). There have been no repairs, let alone any new tenants. 

So imagine my surprise when I walked past the other day and saw a white cat sitting on the windowsill in what used to be my bedroom, acting like it owned the place. It's not somebody's pet. Nobody lives there.

So how did it get in? Could cats be frightening ninjas?

So given that almost all this "evidence" has presented itself within the last week, you can see why I would be suspicous. Cats. I don't think we can trust them. Our only option is to keep them happy and mollified. Because if they decide to rise up against us, I think we're screwed. If I were the woman who put hers through the washing machine I would sleep with one eye open.

Do we have reason to be worried about cats or are they as harmless as they would like us to believe they are? What do you think Terminators, X-Men or Ninjas?

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