Planet of the Ducks

22:53, Oct 16 2012

There's a much overused aphorism that states that people fall into one of two categories: those who see the glass as half full, and those that see it as half empty.

Recently I've been grappling with a different version, the slightly less catchy "hilarious satire or deeply troubling home-schooled teen".

I'm referring to this letter to the editor that surfaced a week or two ago. In it Jasmin H, 14-years-old of Scargill, North Canterbury enlightens us as to the real menace presented by homosexuality. You might, if you were the kind of person who ponders this sort of thing, have thought that it was AIDS or even more troubling, the proliferation of fashion and makeover reality programming, but no, it's a far bigger problem than that. Homosexuality, if the words of Jasmin H can be taken at face value, threatens to derail human evolution. And also there are the ducks to think of, who may or may not evolve at a more rapid rate than us (because of their heterosexuality) and eventually be burdened with the responsibility of lauding their more advanced development over us, damn dirty apes that we are, or as Jasmin puts it:

"If homosexuality spreads, it can cause human evolution to come to a standstill. It could threaten the human position on the evolutionary ladder, and say, ducks, could take over the world."

But actually evolution isn't really a thing anyway so the whole imagined future in which ducks are at the top of the food chain is nothing but intellectual point-scoring as far as Jasmin is concerned. Also homosexuality is only something the  Romans popularised (like feeding Christians to lions) so it has no place in the modern world. This is more or less the gist of the argument, but I do encourage you to read the letter in full because my summary really doesn't do this piece of writing justice.

The letter has since been picked up on by American sites like The Huffington Post and Gawker.com. I've read it myself several times and even now I just can't decide if this is the most brilliantly written satire ever to grace the letters page of a New Zealand paper, or if it's a jolly good reason to wish myself off this planet and as far way from the rest of humanity as a space programme funded by an energy drink will allow (24 miles to be exact).

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Every time I think I've decided which one it is I swing back the other way, so in the interests of making clear my own thoughts on the topic I thought I'd break it down into pros and cons, fors and againsts.

Reasons to believe this letter is the awesomely satirical work of a comedy genius:

 

Reasons to believe this letter genuinely is the depressing work of an actual home-schooled teenager:

So that's why I can't decide whether this letter is genuine or genius, though on reflection I might be leaning towards the former if only because I desperately want it to be the latter and this could be affecting how much weight I'm giving to the first set of bullet points.

If I could just go ahead and believe in things that I wanted to be true but which the evidence didn't support I wouldn't be an atheist, after all. Occam's razor is slashing away at my faith in humanity just a little and, upon reflection I think it more likely than not that this letter is the real deal. I really, really hope that it's not but I think that's just me wanting not to be incandescently furious at a minor.

But what do you think? Are there any points for or against that I've missed? Do you think this is the handiwork of a home-schooled teen or a hilarious troll?

Update: Damn, I just found out that Jasmin is for real. Now foraging for chocolate to cope with the overwhelming despair I feel at the loss of the great talent that was 42-year-old Bevan. Sigh.

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