When we think of some of the finer virtues of the human character, bravery must surely be one of them.
So let us take a moment to reflect on the extreme bravery shown by two young men last week who took action against that most fearsome of foes, zombies.
While most people would see the Symonds St Cemetery in central Auckland as merely the resting place of some long-dead former citizens, what Brave Hero A and Brave Hero B knew was that this was clearly the hangout of a zombie horde.
And what did they do, these courageous young men? Did they turn up with chainsaws or cricket bats? No. In the ultimate act of bravery they had nothing but a couple of spray cans to defend themselves against the ancient dead. What mad, brave, fools. The cans weren't even of hairspray, which every horror film aficionado will tell you, in combination with a Bic flick, can prove a handy weapon. Nope, these were cans of spray paint. That's like bringing a hacky sack to a knife fight, dudes.
And boy did they show those corpses what for! They bravely, bravely sprayed swastikas on headstones, and references to Israel in an effort to confuse (some of the residents of the cemetery having been dead longer than that country has existed). Not to mention plucky declarations of "Don't f*** with us". Most people would probably find it strange that you'd even need to make this statement to folks who have been dead for decades, since they're not really "fighting fit" and mostly just lie there not bothering anyone but most people don't know about the zombie threat. And most people simply don't have the guts to be aggressive and threatening (in writing) toward the remains of their fellow countrymen and women.
Let me tell you, it takes a really special kind of bravery to pick a fight with someone's dead grandma. And then run away. In fact it's such a special kind of bravery it's actually known as extreme cowardice.
I had a short conversation with someone about this last week on Twitter who was clearly upset that anyone could do such a thing and I pointed out that most people don't. Most people are not this most special kind of brave at all. And when something like this happens, as senseless and stupid as it is, it gives us the opportunity to say just that. That it's stupid and senseless. If you'd like to take the opportunity to say so below, please do.
And now the housekeeping. After some deliberation and absolutely no input from anyone other than myself I have decided that the prize in last week's competition goes to Nosmo for their effort -
"Clearly little Sophie wants her mother to find a jockey for their donkey, which is why she says 'I wish my mum could get a ride for her ass'. Either that or little Sophie wants her mother to get a new boyfriend."
This made me laugh. Maybe it was the jockey, maybe it was the donkey (I find both of these amusing). I suspect it was the filthy innuendo. Anyway, congratulations Nosmo. A minion will be in touch to figure out how we get a real-world item to you in the real world (at time of writing I'm still not sure how this is done but I'm sure we'll figure it out).
Honorable mentions in the competition go to P-town for making it all about competitive cycling and reasonediscrse for turning "as" into "astral projection". P-town, your prize is awarded but then taken back because I strongly suspect that you've used performance enhancing drugs. Reasonediscrse gets to keep their prize. Unfortunately it only exists on the astral plane, which is good because it saves me paying postage. Thanks for all your entries, and feedback. I really enjoyed reading them.