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The best worst gifts guide

Last updated 11:40 14/12/2012

It's that time of year again! Which time? The "holy crap, less than a fortnight until Christmas" time, of course!

If you're like me (two jobs, effing massive backlog on the MySky, no spare time to speak of) then you'll be finding it tricky to finalise the multiple gift-buying decisions that you have to make in the next week or so. If you let the pressure get to you too much, you may even get to the point where you no longer care whether the person receiving your gift even likes it. If you're there already, then boy do I have a gift-buying guide for you. Pull up a pew, mein freund. 

God bless Ezibuy. If you're looking for an ugly piece of tat to give someone, you need look no further than their catalogues. Take, for instance, this bedside lamp shaped like a giant spark plug. I don't know what I hate about this more, the fact that they've just taken a random piece of automotive technology and made it a lamp (why not a brake pedal? Or a distributor cap?) or that they've completely overlooked the smutty possibilities with regards to the product description. Where is the "looking to add a bit of spark in the bedroom" innuendo? Do I have to do everything myself? I'm just saying that if you're going to make something this ugly you should really commit to it, bad puns and all.

Booze pumpWhen it comes to men who like things to do with cars, Ezibuy comes up trumps again in the form of the Petrol pump spirit dispenser. Because nothing says "you have crappy taste in booze" like a dispenser shaped like a petrol bowser. I also really like the implication that drinking whatever spirit you put in this might result in blindness. It's almost like they're saying "do you make dodgy vodka in your bathtub from rancid kumaras*? Then this is how you should offer it to your guests. They can't say they didn't have fair warning!"

The chances are good that you know someone who is, or is becoming, a crazy cat lady. It's very common. Occupational therapy has helped a lot of people become less crazy, so what would be the perfect gift for a slightly demento cat enthusiast? Why, Crafting with cat hair: Cute handicrafts to make with your cat of course! And when they say "handicrafts to make with your cat" they really mean "to make FROM your cat". I don't think Tiddles is going to be operating a hot glue gun, do you? "Transform stray clumps of fur into soft and adorable handicrafts..." Have you spotted the typo in that line from the book description? Yes, "revolting" has been misspelt as "adorable".

John Travolta's & Olivia Newton John's Christmas musical monstrosity, ironically titled I think you might like it, is available on iTunes. Buy it for someone you have a seething resentment for today. 

Bacon shaving cream? That's not a bad present, that's an awesome one, I hear you say.

Not if you give it to a vegetarian.

I ventured into a Christmas shop the other day and was somewhat disturbed to find that I was getting the come-on from a motion-activated plastic head shaped like a sprig of mistletoe wearing a beret and speaking with a fake French accent. As unlikely a string of words as that last sentence seems, it's actually the most efficient way of describing this, quite frankly odd, product from Hallmark.

It's sort of like they've distilled all the inappropriateness of festive drunken uncles into a battery-operated talking lump of plastic...and then put a beret on it. Sexual Harrassment Mistletoe says things like "Where I come from, we do everything in French. You know what I mean, haw, haw, haw" and "did you make the naughty list this year? Well there's still time, haw, haw, haw". Because hanging out with your relatives and in-laws isn't awkward enough already. Only buy this for someone if you're not going to be there on the day.

Do you know someone who wants a woolly dog's head mounted on their wall? Well give them one anyway. At $185 a pop, you'll be grooming the cat and making your own in no time.

I personally think that Trotify, the bike attachment that uses a coconut to make your bike sound like a galloping horse, is the best thing ever. The Silver Fox thought it was incredibly stupid, even with the obvious Monty Python inspiration. I shall have to let you decide.

So, what say ye on the Trotify? Or any of the above? What's the worst present anyone has ever given you?

* It turns out there is an actual vodka made from kumara. I haven't tried it but as far as I'm aware it has never made anyone go blind**.

** Please don't sue me.

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