The pope-ular vote

00:26, Feb 12 2013

Well, I have to say that when I got up early this morning to write today's blog post that I had not anticipated it being about how the pope had resigned and wouldn't it be cool if they named the new one based on popular vote by the not-even-that-Catholic plebs?

But sometimes Large World Events cast their long shadow creating previously unimagined opportunities for snark.

Let's say, for instance, that in a rather surprising break with tradition the Catholic church chose to appoint an atheist woman blogger from Christchurch as Supreme Pontiff? What, prithee, would that look like? 

Well, for one thing, I would let more girls into the club. I get that dudes like to hang out together in robes deciding on the fates of millions - I bet there's some awesome finger food at these gatherings - and I like the company of fellas, but for the sake of the Friday night YouTube dance parties that I will be instituting as compulsory, we don't want too many dicks on the dancefloor

Also under my rule (because, let's face it, that's what it is) Pancake Tuesday would be today, and also every week. I would also lobby for a weekly Cream Cheese Friday.

Naturally, at the first opportunity I would be giving a rousing speech entitled "Gay people can get married if they want to and I promise nothing terrible will happen, ditto if you have 18 children already and are flirting with the idea of contraception".  This I will do out of a sincere desire to see marriage equality legislation enacted worldwide and not at all because I'm angling for an invitation onto Ellen Degeneres' talk show so that I can show her what real dancing looks like, Pontiff-styles.


In the world of fashion, I will introduce a lightweight "belted robe" because those big drapey tapestries are only good for fat days and covering furniture when you're getting some renovations done. I'd keep the hat though because it "adds height" and there's plenty of room to hide stuff under it like tampons*, packets of jelly babies, small pets, that kind of thing.

Under my leadership ex-Communication would remain a very serious punishment though the grounds for ex-Communication would be broadened to include such sins as: parking on the footpath, taking more than 12 items through the express checkout, buying Cliff Richard albums, and telling someone to "cheer up, it might never happen". 

I can't wait actually. It's going to be awesome. Mind you, I may not have the numbers to pull this off. There are others who are more worthy of the giant napkin hat of power. As I've said before, I'm quite keen on Michael Palin as Earth's representative in case of aliens turning up so it would be a subtle sideways silly walk of a step for him to take up the mantle of God's representative, surely.

Other contenders I'd like to see as pope - Elton John (let's face it, he probably already has an outfit for this), Ruby Wax (because she's both loud AND Jewish), George Clooney (charisma aplenty and he already owns a place in Italy), Oprah (lots of experience with people confessing their sins to her) and Father Dougal (currently paying 1000/1 odds at the bookies).

If you had a casting vote, who would be your preferred pope? If you were up to the job, what qualities do you think you'd bring to the role?

*Dear producers of tampons, I do not want you to wrap these in bright colours so that they can be seen from space. Could you maybe do a line in flesh-toned packaging so I can carry it in my hand without people 3 blocks over knowing I have my period? Thanks.

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