I mostly love being a mum. Mostly. There are certainly times when I find it difficult. Parenthood, despite what some people say, does involve compromise.
What I'm finding difficult at the moment is the lack of completion. I never get to finish anything. (Oh wait, I take it back. I finished mowing the lawn on Saturday. It took three attempts around the demands of children, laundry, and not falling over in the heat.)
But things I want to do, that I like to do... those have fallen by the wayside. I've had to miss some band rehearsals and because I don't get to practise tuba during the week, my lip is gone. My sewing machine has been sitting on the kitchen table for a month, waiting for me to finish a simple bag. That was the project that I was so close to finishing in one go... and then Finn threw up on the couch. I've got a cake tin that I wanted for years which has been unused since I was given it for my birthday.
But it's not just the tangible stuff that doesn't get done. I've got an itch to be creative that requires uninterrupted time in "the zone".
I don't know if everyone experiences "the zone", but for me it's an addictive place where the ideas flow, my brain works on a higher level and I'm absorbed in what I'm doing. All it takes is one "Mummy!" and *thump* I'm back to reality, in a bad mood because I'm not flying any more.
It takes effort to gain the zone. I can't switch in and out of it. Being dragged out of it is almost painful. Sometimes I can feel the wisps of an idea escaping, and no matter how hard I try, I can't recapture it. That's heartbreaking and frustrating. I've got lots of big creative projects that I'd love to tackle. I want to improve my photography, have a go at composition, and get time to draft a couple of children's book ideas I have. I'd love to have a go at solving canyoucrackit but I know there's no point in starting, because it will just make me frustrated when I don't get space to make a decent attempt.
That's what I'm mourning most about motherhood. I miss that fulfilled creativity, that chance to be alone in my brain. I know it won't be forever. The twins will grow and become capable of longer periods of quiet, independent play. A couple of years will make a big difference. But right now, it's hard. This introvert needs some space.
And I accept some responsibility for this, too. I need to be more clear about my needs. Hubby is pretty good about chasing me out to get time on my own, but sometimes what I want is for me to stay home and everyone else to go out. Having the house to myself, without any housework needing immediate attention, and a specified minimum duration of at least three four hours... now THAT would be a great Christmas present.
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