This is a topic/thing I'm dreading... I'm 11 weeks pregnant with my first, and my partner and mother don't see eye-to-eye at the best of times. (and I know mum will want to be a very hands on nana, which he won't like!) I can see trouble brewing in the future on this one in our house. Coping will be interested, so if anyone has pointers now they would be appreciated!

I can relate, on several levels, while we don't have in-laws staying with us, my mother-in-law used to be an emergency foster parent for infants - She is an absolute treasure for advice - WHEN I NEED IT. Otherwise, I'd rather she would just shush. I did, do and will ask for advice when I feel I'm out of my depth, and she's getting better at waiting for me to lose it...

On the flip side, my step-son & his wife recently had a baby & I'm really struggling to keep MY mouth shut. I'm trying desperately NOT to be seen as questioning their decisions, while at the same time making it clear I'm willing to help with anything they're not sure of, and making every attempt to phrase my advice in a way that doesn't come across as judgmental, because I'm NOT judging, just offering an alternative approach. My step-daughter-in-law is not backward coming forward, and she hasn't told me to back off. I hope that means I haven't crossed the line yet.

My in-laws are very full on, and drive me crazy. Having kids actually made our relationship much easier, because they are focussed much more on the kids and less on us. With regard to the kids I learnt very early on that you nod, smile and then do exactly what you intended to do in the first place. When they are at Granny's house they can operate under Granny's rules, and all power to them. But in our house we have our rules, which were put in place to make our lives livable.

You should just be thankful they care. My parents are so wrapped up in their religious beliefs that they've only seen my daughter once since she was born a year ago. This is despite me trying very hard to get them interested in her

My kids have no contact with their paternal grandparents - 1 x their choice, 1 x my choice - as the parent, I will not allow them to force their extremist religious views onto my son, particularly after seeing the effects of this type of upbringing on their own kids. Luckily we live in different towns. So only one set to 'worry' about, and I tend to parent in the same way that I was parented. A couple of differences I can think of - I dont bother cooking vegetables that I know my kids wont eat, ie peas - I replace it with something else that they will eat ie broccoli; I dont get hung up about unmade beds like my parents do!

We don't have kids, but I have lived longterm with my mother-in-law. We both have the primary aim of supporting my wife, but our views and methods differ - precisely because of our differing roles with relation to my wife.

What we do is honour and respect those roles - so in my case I don't try to stop my MIL from offering parental advice, even though sometimes that's frustrating for my wife. If the advice upsets my wife too much, I'll support her to speak for herself in the first instance, and speak to my MIL in the second.

The key is referencing those roles in clarification conversations - so in this case, I wouldn't smile and nod, I'd thank and indicate if there are elements of the advice you need to think about, or need more explanation on - after all, while you know your kids best, a few decades more life experience must be worth something, even if not on every point.

Basically, if you start by acknowledging shared aims (the well being of your lovely 3) you're talking as partners and not creating conflict. Talking from a position of a comfortable and equal adult indicates to partners in a conversation that you already have the confidence to manage your family.

Hi, I think you should be greatful that you have them to care aboout your kids and want to be around. I never had grand parents, they all but one died before i was born and the living grandparent lives in Europe. I always longed for grand parents and I know for a fact that my parents would have really appreciated the help and the securty of grand parents for us kids. I think people take inlaws and grand parents for granted.

@saf1#4 That's so sad. My heart goes out to you.

My own parents are so far away, they are great at advice and suggestions if I ask in an email or a phone conversation, but I'd much rather they had the chance to be hands-on grandparents! My mother-in-law doesn't see my kids so often now, she's too frail to make the one hour journey very often so she just concentrates on loving them and spoiling them in the few opportunities she has with them. However, my sister-in-law tells me that in her younger days, MIL was constantly interfering in her parenting.

I don't have to worry about my mum giving advice - she's coming over from the UK for a couple of weeks after baby is born, and after that I'll have to call her to get advice, so no worries about her. My mother-in-law however... My partner is only just starting to talk to her again after she went beyond the pale with comments and attitudes, so I don't know if she'll even be told when things start to happen (let alone after), but I do know I don't feel comfortable around his side of the family after they tried to split us up. I won't be having any dealings with them if I can avoid it. Any advice that comes from them will get the "nod, thanks and ignore" treatment. I definitely don't want them in the hospital, and since we moved, they haven't been given the new address.