Diagnosis? Clinical depression

So there's this TV ad that I'm in. People keep texting and tweeting me to say they've seen it and the first thing that pops into my head is man, the hair is so far from being great in that ad - how many more people are going to see it?

Then I realise (and hope) that everyone who sees the commercial is able to look beyond the lego-hairdo and realise that the message I'm delivering is important. It really is.

Hello! Today's blog is going to be kind of heavy and full of clichés! Sorry...

So, I've known for a long time that this entry had to be written, and as you read on, perhaps you'll know why I've been putting it off.

First, let me give you some background to how I ended up on that ad. The Lowdown is the Ministry of Health's initiative to help young people who might be suffering from depression. The project kicked off in 2007, and at that time the Lowdown team began canvassing personalities that young people might be able to relate to.

They approached various sportspeople, musicians, TV presenters, and actors in the hope they would discuss any experiences they might have had with depression. Back then I was still presenting on C4, and when they came knocking on my door they hit the depression jackpot!

After agreeing to take part we were asked to do a deliver a piece to camera with a message for young people who might be going through hard times. If you'd like to watch my spiel, go for it. You'll see that I ended up admitting I've struggled with pretty serious depression, and as a result of my video I became something of a poster girl for the whole Lowdown campaign. At the time I appeared on a TV ad that helped launch the website, I voiced radio commercials, and also acted as a "navigator" on the site itself.

Then, last year, they asked me to record a new TV ad - which is the one you might have recently seen doing the rounds on the telly.

Getting involved with The Lowdown was my first experience publicly admitting I had been through depression and it wasn't easy. I had managed to keep that little gem under my hat for some time, but I've found that the more open and honest I am about it, the more weight is lifted from my shoulders.

Now I'm about to be publicly more honest than I have ever been before.

I have been diagnosed on two occasions with severe clinical depression. Both times it started out with a trigger event, but instead of dusting myself off and getting on with things, as I always had before, I found myself spiralling into extremely low moods that I just couldn't shake.

Quite simply, I couldn't find joy in anything, nor could I remember what it was like to look forward to anything. Every morning I woke up dreading what the day would bring. I would stand in the shower for extended periods of time, desperately trying to convince myself to face the day. Each step into the outside world was a giant hurdle and I totally withdrew from social activities. Eventually I started going to sleep hoping that somehow I wouldn't wake up in the morning.

It got so bad that I couldn't be trusted to be on my own in case I hurt myself, and I ended up moving back in with my parents where I didn't get off the couch for weeks.

It sounds terribly cliché, but I managed to get through with the help of my family and close friends. Even though I was totally miserable to be around, and very abrasive and nigh on abusive at some points, the people who care about me banded together to support me and help me through. I owe them all my life and will forever be grateful that they held my hand until I could see the path for myself.

And it is like a light at the end of the tunnel, you know. When you realise things are starting to get better, that little pinprick of hope is all you need to get you to the next step. And then things exponentially improve, day by day, until suddenly life is good again. While being in the depths of depression is the worst feeling imaginable, knowing you have come out the other side is absolutely the best feeling imaginable.

It horrifies me to think that prior to experiencing depression, I more or less wrote off anyone who claimed to be depressed as a self-indulgent attention seeker who just needed to suck it up like the rest of us. It wasn't until I was in that place myself that I realised how awful it really is and how impossible it is to understand if you've never been there before.

Right now, life is pretty good and I find it hard to believe that I was swallowed so utterly and completely into the depths of such dark periods of depression. In fact, on several occasions I very nearly didn't make it out. That bit is particularly hard to admit, but I didn't want to skirt around the edges on this topic.

These days I have to be careful. If I feel myself starting to get low, I really have to keep myself in check to make sure it doesn't go beyond the realms of what I can control. It's by no means easy to live life this way, but I continue to hope that I've learnt enough about my depression to keep it at bay.

The reasons I've written all this are threefold. First, it really helps me deal with my experiences by sharing. Second, I'm hoping that if anyone reading this has a loved one who suffers from depression, you might come to understand a little better what they are going through, and also be encouraged that they can come out the other side, particularly with your love and support.

Of course, finally, if you are reading this and you are going through some of the things that I have been through, to whatever degree it may be, I hope it helps to know that you're not the only person to feel the way you're feeling. I hope it helps to know there is a way out and that you just need to reach out to those around you. If you are in this situation, or if you're not sure but think you might be, please talk to someone you trust or visit The Lowdown website and make contact with the team there.

I have no questions for you guys today because I have a feeling a huge number of you will have either have experienced depression yourselves, or watched a loved one go through it... So, I'm just going to leave you to discuss all this as you see fit. Thanks for reading this - it means a lot.

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