Lane gets a wax
BY LANE NICHOLSI take it back.
Tongue in cheek, I once made fun of girls with rampant body hair.
I laughed (ha ha ha, how I laughed) at minxes cursed with five o'clock shadow and bushy Nick Churchouse-like chest hair rivalling that of an old English sheep dog.
I asked rhetorically the following pointed questions:
"Is it right that a woman with more back hair than a Canadian grizzly should be free to moult in a public swimming pool alongside unsuspecting small children?"
"Or should follicled females take the necessary precautions to ensure their dark, stubbly secrets remain forever under wraps?""
My own answer was obvious, but boy have I changed my tune.
I am a man - and quite a hirsute one at that. I have boasted on this blog about my hairy forearms resembling those of a Namibian baboon and my formative tuft of pubescent chest hair, which only started to flourish in the last 12 to 18 months.
It's okay for men, right? We're "supposed" to look like Turkish rugs.
But now I too have suffered the excruciating agony of a woman's hair removal regime and it's given me new insight into the tough personal hygiene world of my beauty-conscious sisters.
I waxed - and I never want to do it again.
Along with the normal body parts where a person is expected to sprout dark forests of wiry strands, for some reason I get weird growth on the top of my feet, including unsightly tufts on each of my 10 hideous toes.
So on Saturday night I happened to bare my size 10-1/2 feet during a dinner party.
After the usual cries of "Oh God - put them away!" a girlfriend took a second look and decided something must be done.
Out with the wax strips, she assured me the process was quick and painless (she was very convincing) and readied me for the first rip.
As she tore dozens of hairs straight from my sunburnt feet (I'd been soaking up the sun at the Basin Reserve), I screamed like a teenage girl and called her an unrepeatable name.
She laughed and gleefully prepared the next strip.
This torturous process lasted for about five minutes - rip, scream, rip, scream - till my once hobbit-like feet were as smooth as Churchouse's back after a visit to his personal hair removal physician.
It hurt like hell and that was only my calloused limbs. I can only imagine the tormented hell girls must go through seeing to their more intimate regions.
Who on earth devised the ridiculous convention that girls should have to epilate their bikini lines? Why would anyone voluntarily let someone put hot wax centimetres from their genitals then say, "go for gold mate" while their lawns are violently mowed?
It ain't fair. So I take it back. Let it grow ladies.
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, the age of Aquarius...
- © Fairfax NZ News
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The tops of your toes are called 'donks'
haha Lane has hairy donks
Your hairy toes? That's not a wax. It's an overzealous plucking. Harden up.
I ask myself the same question while lying on the table getting hot wax poured on my girlie bits ...... why why why ..... but even I wonder even more about ...... why why why do I pay for this when it is not in the slightest bit pleasant!
Although it does fasinate me the different techniques the waxing ladies use. Some are quite keen on the recovery position (which is probably quite appropriate!) while others, now brace yourself, especially those from east europe seem to take pleasure in demanding 'knees to chest' in a tone that you would expect a east german gymnastic coach to use. There is no arguing with these women, never mind a making the slightest complaint as they have you in a very vunerable position.
Another interesting point is why women do this. Some think it looks better, others think its more hygenic and I suspect the rest is just for horizontal folk dancing. Big fan of the girlie wax as once you wax there ain't no going back, pain or no pain!
*hee* oh I love it! "she laughed and gleefully prepared for the next strip" - I am so with her, that line made me laugh (gleefully!) and clap hands. Good girl!! Go for the chest next *mwahahaha*
hahahahahaha LMAO. I get regularly waxed, and it's mainly for personal choice now. It doesn't hurt any less each time, it's only after a while, there's way less hair, so the pain is minimalised by the amount to take off. I would never do it just for a man though, I just don't like the feel anymore. There are some things men can do that women can't, and vs versa. Amen to you for admitting it - the guy in the 40 year old virgin wasn't acting!!!
Oh and it's not just the girls! Trying to get an appointment for a wax prior to mardi gras in Sydney is near impossible as you have to compete with the 'back, crack and sack boys'!
It's even worse getting waxed when pregnant - you are waaaay more sensitive and it hurts like absolute hell (and you can't take the 'good' painkillers beforehand because most meds are off limits). And another lovely side effect of pregnancy is that you grow more hair, and faster too!
Lane, harden up.
"straight from my sunburnt feet"
That's probably your problem, right there. I too, have waxed the top of my feet out of curiousity, and felt nothing.
Of course, this then encouraged me to try waxing the back of my neck. Oh, the blood that flowed that day!
I have waxed the back of a guy mates neck ... ahahaha sooooo funny, he shrieked like a little girl
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All you had was your toes waxed?? Pathetic. Go get yourself a "back, crack n sac" and then you'll really know what it is like.
But we don't all wax for men. A lot of us do it for ourselves, and also so we don't look like a beast in front of other women. Women are cruel!
I personally wouldn't dare go out in a bikini without ensuring I was waxed to perfection. It's vanity over real necessity but I would be way too self conscious, but glad to have your permission Lane.