Gareth Morgan has gone to a very dark place and imagined a New Zealand without cats. It's a potent fantasy, so much so he's drawn up a plan to ensure that that purring cat on your lap is the last you'll own.
"That little ball of fluff you own is a natural born killer. The fact is that cats have to go if we really care about our environment," he writes on his website Cats To Go. That website also features doctored photo of - gasp! - a cat with devil horns.
But rather than rise to his cat jibes and get into an alley-scrap with the economist, let's take a gentler path and use the power of the internet to convince him that cats are here to enrich our lives, not destroy them.
Here then are nine steps to rid Morgan of his cat hatred and turn him into a cat lover.
Morgan hates cats but, as far as we know, not unicorns. So let's confuse his hatred and show him pictures of a caticorn, a mystical beast that's half cat, half unicorn. They go "neow".
2. Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats, noooo!
It's time to remind Morgan that without cats, popular culture would be a barren, loveless place: no TC, no rinky-dink Pink Panther, no "I hate Mondays" with Garfield, no Cool for Cats. Jerry would be a lonely little mouse; Mum-ra would rule the universe.
And this pic wouldn't exist.
Source: Warner Bros
While Morgan's sobbing over the loss of Garfield, hit him with the puns. Punning is an art, and no other animal is better suited to punning than cats.
4. I Can Has Cheezburger?
The meme that spawned - and still beats - all other memes. You delete LOLCATS and you might as well delete the internet.
5. Darth Kitty
By now, Morgan will have woken up to the loveless, barren desert our cultural lives would become without cats. Give him a treat by showing him what fun he can have dressing up cats.
6. Cats aren't selfish
Contrary to popular opinion, cats aren't selfish, vain creatures. They are in fact the most helpful of animals. This one acts as a bus service.
7. Kitten in slow motion
What better way to slow Morgan's plans down than showing him a kitten in slow motion?
8. Cat petting guide
Morgan will be ready for this now. Give him a cat and watch him go.
9. Divine intervention
Morgan should by now be a paid up member of the cat lovers society and will have set up his own tumblr account devoted to cats doing cute things. But there's always the danger he'll relapse. So it's important to leave him with this warning: domestic cats are under the protection of the Egyptian goddess Bastet - she won't like it if you strike down one of her kitties.
* Whatever you do, don't let him see this picture. He'll go nuts.
- © Fairfax NZ News
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