Best & worst dressed of the week

19:36, May 22 2014
Best & worst dressed: May 23
THE BAD: I think Alesha Dixon may be one of the world's most divine looking creatures, but this House of Holland night-gown-meets-sweaty-man's-baseball-shirt is doing her no favours. Oh, and guess what? It costs $886. The fashion industry is in a perma-state of 'havin a laugh'. What kind of suckers actually pay these prices for sheeny polyester? She's also suffering from too much high definition powder and concealer under her eyes and so it looks like she didn't read the packet instructions properly and so popped some Ponds nose pore strips under her peepers pre-event and left some sticky residue behind when she ripped them off (ouchies!).
Best & worst dressed: May 23
THE BAD: Is Jesinta Campbell actually a villain from 2084? I can see no other explanation for this. Firstly, white cigarette pants are a very good thing, but this Camilla & Marc pant suit takes them in an unkind direction. Let's leave the drop crotches to Justin Bieber. Secondly, I may be bias as I have a hatred for almost all 'headpieces' that aren't hats designed to keep one's head warm - I know, I know, how very utilitarian of me - but is this NN by NGHI headpiece not the oddest thing you've ever seen? It's like Black Swan meets Battlefield Earth. Or rather the limited edition Google Glass that Rick Owens will release in 2047.
Best & worst dressed: May 23
THE OVERCOOKED: How many bottles of Elnett Supreme Hold do you think it took to create this stiff, bleach-blonde mango of hair sitting atop Paris' head? I'd say one and 3/4. Also, I've now spent far too long staring at Paris Hilton's chest in this Jean Fares Couture gown to figure out the mechanics of her bra situation. That's certainly not something that was on my bucket list.
Best & worst dressed: May 23
THE BAD: Oh dear, another beautiful woman attacked by crotch sag pants that make it look like a bowel evacuation is in process. Halle Berry's back-heavy jumper could look very cute with skinny jeans though.
Best & worst dressed: May 23
THE BAD: This is a dress folks. I do not understand. Nicole Trunfio is wearing a Toni Maticevski number that makes it look like she's required, for health reasons, to wear a back brace, but then also is really committed to wearing a crop top and revealing that alluring patch of flesh that is the upper rib. Right, I need a lie down.
Best & worst dressed: May 23
THE BAD: I'm imagining that there are thousands of microscopic elves pulling at Terry Biviano's pants, at once creating a bellbottom of mammoth proportions while also pulling the top half of her jumpsuit down so that the neckline becomes more of a navel line. But that's just where my head's at.
Best & worst dressed: May 23
THE JUST-PUTTING-IT-IN-THERE-SO-WE-CAN-REVEL-IN-NORI'S-CUTENESS: The baffling decision to wear fishnets aside, Kim Kardashian looks perfectly chic here ... but who cares, can we all just take a moment to appreciate how cute North West is? She's got grumpy resting face sorted, just like her dad.
Best & worst dressed: May 23
THE GOOD: Cate Blanchett brought her well-crafted, just-quirky-enough-but-still-scarily-elegant brand of style to Cannes this year, and I absolutely love this Delpozo crop top on her. It's like she's wearing the gums and teeth of a cartoon character, yes, but she makes it happen.
Best & worst dressed: May 23
THE GOOD: I love that Jennifer Lawrence has put down the hair spray to liberate her hair and let it be all messy and natural: she must be glad to be past the awks' stage of pixie-cut-growing-out and to have now emerged a butterfly, with a bob. I also like this paillette-happy, chest scenery Dior look on her because it's more youthful than her usual choices - remember, she's only 23. PS: Finnick's looking fierce, even when clothed.
Best & worst dressed: May 23
THE GOOD: French actress Lea Seydoux takes a risk with this Prada suit, and it pays off. Sure, pop a cute mini dress on and you're going to look good, but managing to make a double breasted, loose-fitting retro blue suit a good thing is some postgraduate stuff right there. PS: I am now off to get burgundy nails after spying her super cute mani. Knowing me, I'll chip the suckers within five minutes just by looking at them (I once knew a woman who 'did nothing' for three hours after she got her nails done to ensure minimum chip potential. Safe to say she was rather vacuous).
Best & worst dressed: May 23
WILD CARD: You're either going to love or hate this craft drawer on crack, but I dig the Maison Martin Margiela dress on Marion Cotillard in a big way. Margiela is a very quirky brand - they're the ones that almost always put their models in fencing masks (why pay for a model and then obscure their whole face?) and this homage to the Pacific trash swirl is made up entirely of thousands of 'found objects'. It's basically a very expensive piece of recycling, and I love it.
Best & worst dressed: May 23
THE GOOD: This is a nice change for Miranda Kerr - who's been wearing a lot of extremely low cut navel-baring pieces recently - and she looks like a dream in Erdem. I'm a sucker for the embroidery on the Resort 2014 Erdem collection as I love fluoro yellow almost as much as I love peach. Plus, Miranda looks pretty as a picture here. I read one comment on a fashion blog that claimed that Miranda must be really insecure because she always wears her hair in the same way - umm? OMG. If this oracle of sense is correct then I'm a fragile eggshell of a person. Someone, quick, get some bobby pins before I self harm!
Best & worst dressed: May 23
THE GOOD: Fans of teen spin off pop groups will remember Rochelle Humes from S Club 8 - I'm happy to say I don't and that my knowledge of clubs revolving around the letter S ends with the '7' gang. Going another level, extreme fans of orchestrated pop groups will also know that Rochelle recently married Marvin Humes of boy band JLS. Their children will be lip synching in the womb. Anywho, the British singer wows this week in a black and white dress by Safiyaa London - it's timeless, polished and not even an ounce try hard.
Best & worst dressed: May 23
THE GOOD: While I'm not 100 per cent sold on the trombone effect the length of this gown is creating, overall it's so beautiful, and I'm imagining the train was pure magic when Sonam Kapoor walked down the, er, black carpet. The soft blue of this Elie Saab gown is the perfect colour on Bollywood star Sonam, that cut out bodice gives her Chopard bling room to breathe and her simple, middle part ponytail was the perfect hair choice.

In this week's best and worst dressed J-Law, Miranda Kerr and Sonam have fantastic fashion moments, while an Aussie star looks like a sci-fi Justin Bieber. 

We haven't touched upon the looks from the Billboard Awards here, as we've covered those in this gallery. 

Nor have we looked at the main red carpet at Cannes because, as you may have noticed, there's been a daily gallery covering the French Riviera film fest ... 

Here are the fashion moments from Cannes day eight; Cannes day seven; Cannes day six; Cannes five, four and three; Cannes day two and, finally, day one. Phew! And there are still four more days to go! Today's installment will hit your screens by lunchtime.

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