Best & worst dressed: Cannes day nine

01:18, May 23 2014
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GOOD: I have been known to be a little anti squished-cleavage, but for some reason, Alessandra Ambrosio is making a plunging neckline, a high slit and many, many cutouts work. I think it's her classic hair and makeup that keeps this Roberto Cavalli gown looking sexy rather than trashy. Thoughts?
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE I'M NOT SURE: I don't know if it's because I've looked at about a squillion dresses this week or what, but I just can't make up my mind on this one - it's like Angela Lindvall's Redemption Choppers dress is having an identity crisis and is struggling between whether to channel Morticia Adams or Tara Reid. That said, this may be the first outfit involving extreme patches of sheer material that I don't outright hate, so I guess the demure cut was a good move. Help me out here people, good or bad?
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE MEH: Anne V looks good in just about anything, but this black fungus of a dress by Redemption Choppers falls victim to a slit that's far too high. Never should we be sitting here going, 'ooh can I see .... ?'.
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GREAT: Pure red is the only colour that, according to some colour expert I once spoke to, is flattering to every skin tone in the world - and, well, it's certainly working on Bar Refaeli. This Elie Saab dress is giving off a cheesy 90s vibe, but it's still ferociously hot and super classy. One of my faves.
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GOOD: Look at that contouring on Conchita Wurst's beard line - that puts the Kardashians' makeup artistes to shame. I can't find out who designed it, but this full sequinned number certainly shows off her teensy tinsy waist - it is all a bit puddly at the bottom though, Conch should have chopped off a few inches.
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GREAT: Aishwarya Rai looks every inch the movie star in this Armani Prive gown. I thought for a second that it might be a bit tonal with her skin tone and risk washing her out, but I've changed my mind. I think this might almost be my fave of her Cannes looks because it's that little less in your face. I even like the green eyeshadow. PS: The guy she's with is her husband, Abhishek Bachchan, who's also a very famous Bollywood star. I'd say he's like the Ben Affleck of Bollywood, except, unlike Ben who struggled to get any roles for about a decade, Abhi's had a pretty easy run as his dad, Amitabh, is like the Al Pacino of Indian Cinema (except just a lot taller and a lot more likely to break out into song in the middle of a movie).
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE MEH: I know I often say this about people, but with Bianca Balti I truly mean it - I think the Italian model, 30, may be the most beautiful human on earth and while of course she makes this D&G dress look gorgeous, I really genuinely dislike the random corset. It's very Mills & Boon cover illustration - where's Fabio?!
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GOOD: Coco Rocha can pull off outfits that other humans would just look a little weird in - maybe she's Jane Fonda's lizard daughter? - and she's owning this Maison IRFE mullet dress. Speaking of mullets, I adore her harsh flapper bob.
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GOOD: Dita Von Teese looks amazing in Blumarine - it's very boudoir yes, but then that's her look and she owns it.
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE MEH: Heidi Klum opted for 'legs and boobs' in Atelier Versace and ends up looking more showgirl than supermodel. Ditch the cleavage window and I think she'd look beyond stunning.
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GOOD: It's like Irina Shayk is some kind of burlesque superhero and is in the middle of the transformation, half busted out of her full spandex aero-dynamic skin coloured flying suit, half ready to perform in tight sequins. This is Atelier Versace, obviously. Do you like it?
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GREAT: Izabel Goulart displays just the right amount of feather and poof in this soft pink Emilio Pucci gown. It's very Carrie Bradshaw Bridal, I know, but I don't care, I love it.
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GREAT: Here's Jane Fonda in Atelier Versace. Is she actually a lizard person that goes to sleep in a giant freezer every night to reverse the ageing process? That's my only explanation. 76 folks, 76. I'm off to do some aerobicise.
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GOOD: While I do get a bit sad face emoticon whenever Jessica Chastain steps out in anything other than a jewel tone, there's no denying that this Givenchy Couture dress is very elegant on her.
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GOOD: I am near obsessed with the floral neckline on this Honor dress that Jess Weixler, Jess Chastain's real life best friend, chose for the night's events. Fresh, floaty and yet still fun.
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GOOD: Jourdan Dunn looks A-grade sexy in this woven Balmain dress. Most humans should probably avoid wearing a dress crafted from thick rope, 'I really want something that just makes me look way wider', but she can certainly pull it off.
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GOOD: This is a refreshingly different look for mini-dress-loving Kylie Minogue, and the colour of the Juan Carlos Obando dress looks lovely against her skin tone (that satin will be a crinkle nightmare later on, however).
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE BAD: Was Lara Stone performing on the night? Part of some kind of belly dancing, horse riding Spanish troupe? This is vintage Gianni Versace, and so historically it's a wow fashion moment, but in execution I'm not a fan ... especially considering how amazing she looked in hot pink Calvin Klein yesterday.
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE HMM... I've never been keen on the bodice of these Vionnet gowns - it always looks like they've just run out of fabric and had to settle with a little flabby panel in the middle. That said, Liu Wen still makes the whole thing look quite lovely.
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GREAT: Love, love, love, love. Rosie Huntington Whiteley channels the Khaleesi (just a WAY taller version) in this Emilio Pucci gown. She could tame dragons in this get up, for sure. This hue of yellow is underused.
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE MEH: Whie, yes, Sharon Stone brings the sexy back every time she hits the red carpet (and this colour is great on her) I detest the keyhole cutouts on her Roberto Cavalli gown. It's like this was created as a dress for some crazy, gown-obsessed rich lady to wear during a surgery on her intestines ('I know, I know she'll only wear couture. Just get Cavalli on the phone and get him to make a gown with cutouts that will give us access to the intestines.').
Best & worst: Cannes day nine
THE GREAT: Fantastically classic hair and makeup means Toni Garn turns this simple almost lingerie-like skirt and top from Redemption Choppers into a style symphony.

Day nine of Cannes saw all the red carpet action move to the Amfar Gala - and it was the most stunning fashion parade of the festival so far - probably because the supermodels were out in force. 

Highlights? Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Aishwarya Rai, Kylie Minogue, Bar Refaeli, Iza Goulart and more ...

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