Best and worst dressed celebrities
THE BAD: This is a bit of a zoom-in fail. At first it's like, 'oh, okay, D list actress Challen Cates is wearing a perfectly fine black dress ... her hair looks cute' ... and then, all of a sudden, as your eye adjusts it's like, 'OH NO, the side of her dress has been ravaged and I can discern far too much about the relationship between her armpit and breast than makes me comfortable'.
THE BAD: Cheryl Burke is from Dancing With The Stars (just filling you in in case you don't watch the same hideous levels of reality TV that I've been known to dabble in). She also appears to be wearing a waistcoast that's shrunk in the wash and a bra that's gone all saggy. Oh no? That's a dress? It's MEANT to look like that? The more I stare, the odder it gets.
THE BAD: I think when you look at a dress and think, 'ooh, I'd really like a tablecloth like this', then we have an issue. Also, I don't think I'd ever say this about Heidi Klum in Versace, but I'm wishing it was just an ounce skimpier.
THE BAD: Mira Sorvino, I love thee, and while I'm obsessed with Romy And Michele's High School Reunion, there's no need to actually dress like Romy White in all her 1997 glory. Lisa Kudrow has moved on, and so should you. That said, if I'm looking that 'toight' at 47 I'll probably have a wardrobe made up exclusively of polyester neon mini-dresses too.
THE BAD: 'Psst, Phoebes, your Calvin Klein appears to be sprouting'. While I appreciate the sort of flax mat effect of parts of Phoebe Tonkin's Calvin Klein 'dress', the hairy mesh bits remind me of a potato head just before the grass 'crowns' and pushes past the stocking. Also, I think when your going to have hairy looking stuff just under the crotch-region, black's probably not the best colour choice.
THE BAD, BUT STILL BABEIN': Okay, while Jada Pinkett Smith is effectively wearing a sports bra (and one that would provide very little support) and a skirt that makes it look like she's just come out of some sort of hostage situation (hence the bat?) I can't help but just be in awe of the woman. 42 and with abs that rival Joffrey Bieber's, skin that just glows and arms that look fit and fierce (to put it into perspective, the actor next to her, Donal Logue, is just five years her senior. And, given the fact most actresses lie about their age, they're probably actually the same age).
THE I'M JUST NOT SURE: Here's where I'm at with Nicola Peltz in Prada. I think I love the dress, but I just don't think I love it on her (Rosie H-W would look superhuman in it). Firstly, I think this is just too big a serving of sternum. Secondly, I don't think this was a dress designed for a 17-year-old. Thoughts?
THE GOOD: I don't think it's actually within Ashley Madekwe's ability to look bad, and here she is in another hit. This deep eggplant McQ by Alexander McQueen dress is just flirty enough but still very classy, and her hair makes me think ombre is a trend that should stay. For good. PS: Also loving her power brows. We had a story earlier this week about how we may have reached peak brow, and one of our dear readers replied, 'NO! Brows are the nipples of the face and MUST stay'. I just want to tell you, that's the best comment I've ever read. It made me laugh. It also made me picture breasts with singular eyebrows where nipples should be. Frightening and amusing in equal measure ('oh wow, Gertrude's PCOS is really playing up. Have you SEEN how hairy her nipples are?').
THE GOOD: Here we have Chloe Moretz in Valentino. For me, Ms Moretz's style peaks when she channels a 70s aesthetic but in a simple and modern way, and I think that's exactly what's happening here. Also, girl can rock a Peter Pan collar like no one else (which might have something to do with her being 17).
THE GOOD: Firstly, the fact that this dress is covered in monkeys really appeals to my mental age (which is probably just a touch under Chloe Moretz and Nicola Peltz's actual age). Secondly, pregnancy suits Zoe Saldana, and this Valentino Resort 2015 gown is a fun, ethereal, and different take on maternity wear, and I applaud her for that. I'm never a fan of a ruffle hem at the bottom of a dress (I always find it a touch frumpy looking), but I'm sure the people at Valentino had their reasons. PS: Here she's promoting Guardians Of The Galaxy, in which she plays a bright green being. She's really got that brightly-hued quasi-person market cornered. Meryl owns all roles over 60, Zoe all characters in green and blue.
THE GOOD: I'll never forgive her for breaking George's heart in Up In The Air, but that doesn't change the fact Vera Farmiga, 40, looks fantastic in this Peter Pilotto dress. It's an OTT design - from the boat neck, to the colours, and the gem stones - and I love it for its ostentatiousness. PS: The dude to her right is Freddie Highmore. Aka, Vera's TV son on Bates Motel. He's the fella that played Charlie in the Johnny Depp remake of Chocolate Factory just all grown up (well, he's 22).
THE GOOD: I was a yes, then a no, then a maybe on this, but I've settled on yes. Nicola Peltz would obviously make a bin bag look haute; but then I think the split on this Dior is just a little too high ... but the neckline is exquisite and the lacing details at the back, while not entirely my cup of tea, add a lot of interest.
THE BEST: Former Packed to the Rafters and now Love Child star Jessica Marais is all floaty Grecian this week, and I absolutely love it. A deep burgundy nail and artfully messy hair keep the whole thing from being too soft. The best bit about this well draped, just-enough-arm-coverage, nicely-cinched-at-the-waist dove grey dress is that it's a style that would suit so many women. Although not many of us would have an occasion to wear such a thing. I'm not sure how I would fit it into my work-couch-bed-wake up-work daily routine. I might just turn up to the office in something like this next week. I shall also wield one of those long cigarette holders all day (sans cigarette, obviously) and air kiss everyone who comes to my desk to talk to me. That should sufficiently weird everyone out.
Lots of sternum, hairy dresses and haute maternity wear make up just some of the highs and lows this week.
In this weekly fashion fest we only bring you the horrors and the hits from the red carpets and only cover events where celebrities know they'll be snapped and critiqued for their fashion (so no Britney leaving Maccas in her trackies.) Why? Well because all humans - even celebs - should be allowed to look rubbish while packing a Quarter Pounder (testify!).