Best & worst dressed celebrities
THE BAD: Fans of late 90s cinema will recognise Jena Malone as the little girl on both Stepmom and Contact (and she's more recently been in Sucker Punch, Hunger Games and Donnie Darko) ... here she is wearing For Love & Lemons. Now, etymologically I'm fairly sure there's good reason for the word underwear's first two syllables ... it is meant to be concealed UNDER clothes. This whole thing is very Sister-Wife at the Playboy Mansion.
THE BAD: First things first, I've had a soft spot for Katie Holmes ever since she got herself some disposable cellphones and got the hell out of Scientology Dodge. Second things second, her hair and makeup here is a total 10 out of 10. Third things third, this isn't a terrible, but let's be honest it's been a quiet week in celeb-land (they're all hiding out in the Hamptons and Ibiza) and this is still not great. A) The point where ill-fitting tailored pants meet your belly is not the right place for the only bit of sheer in your outfit. B) This is very Carmen Miranda in mourning dressed by Donna Karan. (Although this whole get up was actually designed by the perma-sunglassed Michael Kors, which explains a lot).
THE BAD: The gorgeous Lucy Aragon featured on the modern-day polygamy-fest that is The Bachelor (HOW is it okay that one dude has a harem of women basically locked in a house. It's like a horror news story from Yemen, just televised). She's also Kate Upton's best friend. I fear the moment she sits down in this 'outfit' (on both a crotch and boob flashing front). 'MY EYES!' (PS: She is pulling off Megan Fox-length hair without it looking Alanis Morisette-like though and that deserves a thumbs up).
THE BAD: First things first, I'm fairly sure this German actress - Michaela Schaffarth - is the half-sister of both Carrie Fischer and Jenna Fischer (who share the same surname which is making my tin-foil-hat-conspiracy theory secret-parentage radar ding ding ding). Back to Michaela, who has had an interesting career trajectory, going from nursing to German porn (which I understand is one of the more intense varieties) to mainstream TV acting. Anyway, she also appears to be wearing the worst jacket in the history of the universe: we have terrible cliche badges, studs, diamantes, fringes, multi zips AND extreme shoulder pads. What a medley.
THE BAD: Here we have another 'undies, undies, clothes, clothes?' situation with Brit singer Neon Hitch (I'm guessing that's not her real name) wearing an Alon Livne 'dress'. I'm not sure a g-string was the classiest choice here, and the torso of this has me coming over all Rorschach test hypnotised ... I'm seeing a mustachioed fly buzzing through a spiderweb (I'm fairly sure that's not a good sign for me psychologically).
THE GOOD: French-Canadian actress Charlotte Le Bon (who stars in the new Yves Saint Laurent biopic) shows us how to do white sheer without showing too much knick and without looking too bridal (you'll see the opposite of this in a few clicks' time). This bell-sleeved Elie Saab dress is romantic and yet not saccharine (although I'm not the hugest fan of the shoes - mostly because I have an irrational fear of 'sprawled toes'. Barnacles, stray hairs, wooden cutlery and sprawled toes).
THE MEH: Megan Fox has been trotting out a lot of bandeau dresses on her Teenage Ninja Turtles press tour, and I'm feeling a bit 'meh' about all of them. The middle Marc Jacobs is very Pam Anderson's fourth wedding. None of these looks are bad, yes, but when you're as beauteous as Megan Fox, you should be aiming for triumphant at every red carpet (I'm also getting Jagged Little Pill-era Alanis vibes from Foxy's hair extensions at the mo. And no, that's not a good thing. Great album, terrible period follicly).
THE GOOD, JUST: I went through a bit of a scroll down process with this Prabal Gurung dress on Inbetweeners actress Hannah Tointon. When I first saw it thumbnail size I was all, ooh gorgeous blush satin ... then I saw the weird mosquito netting at her waist, which perplexed me for a while, but I've come to the conclusion that it adds sporty interest. But then I noticed her shoddily-taken-up hem ... did they do the job with pins in the cab on the way to the red carpet? But this was nullified by her stunning hair and makeup and so I decided overall this is a good. Just. Thoughts?
THE GOOD: Here we have a rare sighting of Heidi Klum on the red carpet sans diamantes or cut outs. I'm shocked and delighted in equal measure. This ivory lace Marchesa jobbie is a bit of a classic, and while it's not particularly 'now' or 'on-trend', it's really rather lovely, and that's what matters. Also, I quite like that she's gone for black and white, not-at-all outfit matching Loubs for shoes. Nude or ivory pumps would have made this whole thing a little one-note.
THE GOOD: Ruching is very much a girl's best friend, and this Lanvin dress truly sings on new Home & Away star Pia Miller. It's like God designed that colour with her in mind, the one shoulder works perfectly on her and her subtle makeup and glossy locks are the perfect accompaniment. Babe.
THE GOOD: I love me some 'radiant orchid' purple combined with red. It's one of those colour combinations that shouldn't work, but most definitely does. Orange Is The New Black star Taylor Schilling looks sleek and understated in Roland Mouret (remember how she once played Zac Efron's love interest in a soppy movie? That makes me feel all icky. Two stars that have taken very different trajectories ... Zac's on some Saudi billionaire's yacht right now pretending to be in a relationship with M-Rod, and Taylor's doing panels discussing the state of women's prisons in the US).
THE GOOD: Remember Sister-Sister? I used to love its theme song - 'oh oh oh oh, sista SISTAAAA ... Talk about a two-way twister ... Shaking up the family tree ... With sibling synchronicity'. Anywho, now that I've finished reminiscing about the days when I was at an age at which I could eat about four Cookie Times a day without gaining any weight, I present thee Tia Mowry (Tamera's twin) totally knocking it out the park sexiness-wise in a charcoal neoprene dress by Alexia Ulibarri. Yes, she's pulling off something that's basically a tubular wetsuit ... and I think she deserves a slow clap for that. Sister, SISTA!
Heidi Klum, Megan Fox, Katie Holmes and a Home & Away babe make up the style stars this week.
In this weekly fashion fest we only bring you the horrors and the hits from the red carpets and only cover events where celebrities know they'll be snapped and critiqued for their fashion (so no Britney leaving Maccas in her trackies.) Why? Well because all humans - even celebs - should be allowed to look rubbish while packing a Quarter Pounder (testify!).