Kim Kardashian's torturous 'waist trainer'
Look! There on the footpath! Faster than a catwalk model, she can leap tall men with a single glance! More powerful than Lindsay Lohan in short shorts! Is it a swimsuit? A jumpsuit? A bikini? (Gasp for air here.)
It's a Kardashian! The one who stirs controversy by wearing mind-boggling, bottom-enhancing outfits. This week, darling Kim shows off her torso, which appears to be powered by some force of physics not yet known to mankind.
The "monokini", as I'm going to call it, should not be worn out of the house by regular folk without stylists, surgeons, dieticians, personal trainers, chefs or full-time nannies, and who have to walk more than 10 metres at a time.
The entire outfit seems to defy gravity, as do her breasts, and leaves me with questions such as: is there a breast fairy holding your boobs up? Can I borrow her? Did you remember to bring extra double-sided tape? Have you thought about wearing a singlet with that? And ... is that a nipple? All the way up there?
Such a realistic role model for new mums. Thanks, Kimmy.
It's all down to a bizarre weight-loss practice, naturally. In early August she tweeted she needed to lose around nine kilograms: "Can't seem to shake this last 15-20 lbs of baby weight."
"I'm not gonna call it baby weight bc thats an excuse, I just gained weight & that's it. Why is it so much harder to lose after baby though!!... ughhhh my hips & butt are huge now! They were big to begin with!"
And she's taken this monokini opportunity to show off a trimmer bod just a few weeks later, apparently achieved with the aid of a low-carb diet. Oh, and a waist trainer.
Yes, waist trainer. Aka a corset - which, you know, encourages your waist to be smaller. The medieval torture tool, sorry, corset, cinches your waist in and over time, breeds your body to a certain shape. Kind of like foot binding.
All you have to do is wear a painfully tight swathe of fabric around your belly for hours on end, which restricts your breathing and "can squish your lungs by 30 to 60 per cent ", according to one website advocating the practice. Sounds fun, right?
When I first saw her in a corset on Instagram (of course, she was paid to flog it), I thought there must something more. Did it vibrate? Was it secreting some kind of magic dragon powder to melt the fat away?
No. It's purely what women wore in the 18th century to create the illusion of a smaller waist, fainting as they did so. I assumed we were well past inflicting such torment on ourselves, but those Kardashians! They'll pull you back a few centuries if you let 'em!
All of which has led to Kim trying to sell the monokini as an acceptable piece of clothing.
So at the risk of me sounding like a dad, Kim, let me give you some advice: Tuck your nipples in, love, you're going to get photographed anyway. There's no need to amp up surgery rumours while possibly harming your body in another desperate grab for money and attention.
Whoops, sorry. For a moment, I forgot who I was talking to.
Sydney Morning Herald